This is the first poster for Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island…  Hee hee!  I’m totally joking!  This is the real poster.  Aren’t I zany?  I just couldn’t resist.  Because people often light matches when someone farts, you see.

It stars Leonardo DiCaprio.  The poster seems to say, “This guy. Walks. Through the raindrops.”

Sir Ben Kingsley has joined the cast of Martin Scorsese’s upcoming Boston-set Dennis Lehane adaptation, Shutter Island, starring alongside Leo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo (more like Mark Kerfluffle-o – hee hee, oy’m cheeky!).

Kingsley will play Dr. Cawley, the hospital’s enigmatic chief physician who must reluctantly play host to the two U.S. marshals [DiCaprio and Ruffalo]. [Reuters] 

Since I don’t have much to say about this, I turn to Wikipedia, which tells me that Ben Kingsley was born Krishna Bhanji, and in 2005 he divorced his then wife after pictures of her kissing another lover surfaced on the internet.  But don’t cry for him, because now he’s banging some Brazilian actress.  Score one for Krishna (Special K). 

I like random trivia, because I often need something with which to regale the strippers once I’m out of singles.  I’m like the Cliff Clavin of Spearmint Rhino.  Sometimes the girls take my knowledge spreading as an opportunity to engage me in conversation, at which point I give them a Bogey-esque fist caresse on the jaw and say, “Aww, that’s cute sweetheart, but this is what I come here to avoid.” Girls love that romantic old movie crap.

Mark Ruffalo will star alongside Leo DiCaprio in Marty Scorsese’s movie adaptation of the Dennis Lehane novel Shutter Island.  Lehane, of course, has previously had his work made into the Boston-set films Mystic River and Gone, Baby, Gone (maybe the best movie I’ve seen this year).

In Laeta Kalogridis’ [Pathfinder, Alexander] adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s 2004 novel, Ruffalo will play U.S. Marshal Chuck Aule, who travels with his new partner (DiCaprio) to the titular Massachusetts island in 1954. As they investigate the disappearance of a patient from a hospital for the criminally insane, they encounter a web of lies, a hurricane and a deadly inmate riot that leaves them trapped on the island.

If you’re confused because you read that the Aule part had been offered to Stallone, you’re not alone (wanna bone? maybe get stoned, or have a scone with an old crone? hold the phone).  I reported that a few weeks ago, and now realize the source for the story was AICN – run by Harry Knowles, who looks nothing like his sister Beyoncé.   

Between this and their story about Christian Bale in Terminator 4, I’m beginning to think AICN merely serves as the mouthpiece for lonely nerds whose wildest fantasies involve crazy movie casting rumors, as opposed to picturing themselves making love to Anne Hathaway in a gingerbread spaceship on a bed of baby polar bears. 

Ever imagined Sly Stallone with a Bawston accent?  God knows I have.  "Yo, Adrian!  Come heah quick, ah gotta wicked hahd on!"

Well the fantasy is one step closer to reality today with the news that Martin Scorsese has offered the part of Chuck Aule in his big screen adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s novel Shutter Island to Stallone.  He’d star alongside Leo DiCaprio, who’s already signed on to play the role of Teddy Daniels. Amazon review:

U.S. Marshall Teddy Daniels and his partner, Chuck Aule, arrive on Shutter Island, a secure facility for the criminally insane in Boston Harbor, to investigate the mysterious disappearance of Rachel Solando from her locked and guarded room. While looking for Rachel, a woman who has murdered her three children, Teddy also plans to investigate rumors that the hospital is performing radical brain surgery as part of its experimental treatments.

Oh, I get it: Sly Stallone, radical brain surgery – now it makes sense.  In all seriousness though, Gone, Baby, Gone was one of the best movies I saw this year, so all in all Lehane adaptations (Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone) have a pretty good track record.  Plus, one of Stallone’s best roles was in Cop Land, which was about as close as it gets to a Scorsese movie without actually being one.  In conclusion, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore.    

BFFs Marty Scorsese and Leo DiCaprio will be teaming up again for Dennis Lehane’s (Mystic River, Gone, Baby, Gone) Shutter Island, which I’m assuming somehow involves murder and child rape.

Drama is set in 1954, with DiCaprio in final talks to play U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels, who is investigating the disappearance of a murderess who escaped from a hospital for the criminally insane and is presumed to be hiding on the remote Shutter Island. [Variety]

Okay, so I was half right (though it doesn’t say whether the murderee was a child or if it had been raped first), and of course it’s going to be set in Bawston, like Mystic River and Gone, Baby, Gone*.  Meanwhile, Scorsese’s still mulling my autobiographical script about a muscular ninja who escapes from a hospital for the criminally handsome in a sequined spaceship that crash lands on Planet Awesome, where he wrestles chicks and bangs tigers.  

^{*Which I think should’ve been titled You Think Ya Fackin Betta Den Me?}