(Rambo bought this thermometer from John McCain. The only setting is “DEAD GOOK.”)

Ever since I moved to New York, I’ve marveled at how people here seem incapable of SHUTTING THE HELL UP DURING THE GD MOVIE.  Hell, keep talking, I’d settle for you just learning to whisper, you loud a-holes GODIHATEYOUSOMUCH!  Anyway, I’ve shushed people because I’m gangsta like that, which is why I’m thanking God I didn’t end up like this guy:

A dispute at a Lancaster, CA movie theater during a screening of “Shutter Island” ended when a man, who had complained about someone nearby talking on a cellphone, was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer.
The incident occurred two weeks ago at the Cinemark 22 theater in Lancaster, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department.
The theater was packed for a 9 p.m. Saturday screening of the Martin Scorsese horror movie when the victim complained about a woman near him who was using a cellphone during the show. She and two men with her left the movie theater. Two men returned a few minutes later and stabbed the victim, said sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore.  The victim, who was not identified, was hospitalized with serious injuries. [LATimes]

Are we sure this wasn’t just a botched pick-up line?  That’s happened to me before:

Hey, girl.  Are you feeling okay?

…I’m fine. …Why?

I dunno, I just thought maybe I should take your temperature… with an ALL-BEEF THERMOMETER!

*stabs girl in neck with meat thermometer*

Crap, I think I did this wrong.

(“Jeez, Leanahdo, didjou just faht?”  “Dat’s right.”)

Shutter Island landed atop the box office for the second week in a row with $22.2 million, a modest drop of 44% from its first weekend — the big question was whether it’d perform like a horror movie, which usually drop like a rock the second weekend.  The answer seems to be no.  Said Mark Ruffalo, “Hey Leanahdo, somthin about this island seems queah.”  “You’re right, Mahk, an I’m gonna get to da bawtum of it.  GO SAWX!”

Meanwhile, Kevin Smith, fresh off more flops than your mom’s fat titties (Zack & Miri, Jersey Girl) had his highest-grossing opening ever with Cop Out earning $18.6 million (despite largely negative reviews).  And to think, all they had to do was just not mention it was a Kevin Smith movie or let him do press or use his name in the marketing material at all.

The Crazies earned decent money with $16 million in its first weekend, and even more surprisingly, got pretty good reviews.  It’s exciting because maybe now, people can finally start making zombie movies.  They hardly ever get made and they’re always so… uh… good.  And totally not boring. *pulls crossed fingers out of ass*

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It’s always nice to start the week with good news and though I don’t have your STD test results, I can tell you that a Martin Scorsese film (Shutter Island) wiped its ass with Ashton Kutcher’s Al-Qaeda recruitment tape at the box office.  Shutter Island‘s $40.2 million opening weekend was a career best for both Scorsese and DiCaprio.  Reached for comment, Shutter Island author Dennis Lehane said, “To celebrate, Me n Leanahdo n Mahty ah gonna go pahty with some hookahs and then kill the sonovabitch priest who molested my daughtah.”

Meanwhile, Valentine’s Day suffered a massive 70% drop from last weekend, which is a nice bit of schadenfreude, but with an $87.5 million domestic gross thus far on a $52 million budget, it’s probably not enough to keep the mullahs who financed it from making another one.  And who wants to bet this kid won’t be blowing guys for heroine in a couple years?  “C’mon, man, make it $20, I was in a movie with Ashton Kutcher.”  Just what the world needs, another drug-addicted former child star.  Or worse, Danny Masterson.

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Awright, listen up ya queahs, Shuttah Island has a new trailah.  I don’t gotta tell you dat I gawt a majah fackin hahd on for this movie ’cause it’s from Mahtin Scoah Seas, the fackin’ guy who directed The Fackin’ Depahted, an it’s fackin’ set in fackin’ Bawston again. GO SAWX!  This one’s gawt Leanahdo Di Caprio, Special K, Ruffo, and that othah queah from the Watchmen — that movie was wicked queah.  It’s like, if I wanted to stayuh at fackin’ blue cawcks fa two houahs, I’d take Tawmy an’ Caspah an’ Squeezebawx down to da fackin’ hahbah an go skinny dippin’ in fackin’ wintah.  Am I fackin’ right oar am I fackin’ right?

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Martin Scorsese‘s latest, Shutter Island (trailer below), was set for release October 2nd, but Paramount has decided to move it to February 19th, taking it out of contention for the 2009 Oscars (and a February release won’t help their chances in 2010 either).  Via Nikke Finke:

An insider tells me. “It tested in the high 80s/low 90s and Scorsese even brought it down to 2 hours.” So what’s the problem? I hear that Paramount told the filmmakers it doesn’t have the financing in 2009 to spend the $50M to $60M necessary to market a big awards pic like this. [...] I’m also told that, among the many reasons for the move, Leo [DiCaprio] wasn’t going to be available to promote the pic internationally. So the studio settled on the release date of February 19th because “that’s when Silence Of The Lambs came out” back in 1991 and it won the Oscar.

Now Paramount can throw their full weight behind their other two big Oscar contenders, GI Joe and Transformers 2.

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