There isn't a single thing about this picture that I'm not completely in love with

A dude named Sean Dunne went to the Gathering of the Juggalos this year and made a 20-minute documentary called “American Juggalo,” which he released online for free (which you can watch below). It had me hooked from the opening shots, when it started off as a sort of slow-motion, Juggalo video essay set to atmospheric music like some kind of meth-lab Koyaanisqatsi. Look, we all know they’re easy to make fun of, but it’s impossible not to be somewhat fascinated by these people (and in some cases, charmed). They’re just so open and earnest that it’s totally compelling. (That said, you will never convince that “juggalo baby casket” isn’t a hilarious phrase.)

Why aren’t there more short-form documentaries like this available in theaters? They’re almost always amazing. Anyway, I’d urge you to watch the entire thing, but in the meantime, I’ve compiled some of my favorite quotes below, and some of my favorite pictures (which are even better than the quotes) on the following pages.

[The dude at the 5:30 mark, who is by far the best part of this whole thing]
“I was drinkin’ Caribou Lou on the carnival rides. Apparently, I f*ckin passed out, and then my f*ckin homeboy shows up outta nowhere and gets me back to the tent. I was a f*ckin’ spectacle, but I don’t give a f*ck, cause that sh*t was righteous.”

“You should never put spray paint on your face.” [Said while a friend spray paints his face while smoking a cigarette]

“Somebody told me there’s nothing good left in the world, and I actually believed that sh*t until I came here and seen all the titties… all the weed…  all the fast food… I mean, this sh*t’s the bomb.”

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RADICAL!

Personally, I love sorority chicks. For one thing, they take pride in their physical appearances , and for another, they’re easily fooled (IMPORTANT QUALITIES). Yet still, a lot people ask me, “Vince, is there anyone more gullible and enthusiastic-to-a-fault than sorority chicks?” To which I would answer yes. Sorority chicks who volunteer for their school’s Panhellenic Council. It’s twice the responsibility of junior high student council with half the political power! Why not? Yay, it’ll be fun, break out the puffy paint! Anyway, just such a group of girls from the University of Alabama made a video for Rush Week, which you can watch below. It has pretty much everything I look for in a sorority recruitment video:

• Star wipes!
• Circle wipes!
• Grid wipes!
• Front-to-back wipes!
• Record scratch sound effects!
• Nice white girls in clumsy, exaggerated parody of rap culture!
• A call to action to “Go Greek!” (That’s slang for butt secks, tee hee!)
• White chicks with no rhythm!
• “Parents are missin’!”
• A Rebecca Black parody!
• Actual black parody!

I could go on, but suffice to say, it is magnificent. If you find Chet Haze videos not nearly uncomfortable enough, than this is the video for you. And there’s not a single minority! Not even an Asian! How is that even possible? This “University of Alabama…” are we sure it’s a college?

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Here’s a five-second film called “Crabwalkin’” starring my favorite actor/comedian/person, Patton Oswalt. Expertly shot, beautifully acted, and breathtakingly self-explanatory, it should be required viewing for all aspiring film students.  Watch this, friend, and you may know suspense.

Yes, crabs walk sideways, but Patton is playing a BIZARRO-EARTH MUTANT SIDEWAYS CRAB, OBVIOUSLY.

[many thanks to our friends at 5SecondFilms]

While I could listen to a slowed-down track of a six-year-old singing about her hot ass in front of Sharon Osbourne all day, there comes a time in every blogger’s life when he has to say, “oooh, look at me, guys, I’m all cultured and arty.”  On that note, here’s a short film by JW Griffiths, Splitscreen: A Love Story, which was shot entirely on a Nokia N8 cell phone and won the 2011 Nokia Shorts Competition. Aww, I thought the Nokia Shorts Competition was something entirely different. (*hangs head, morosely puts rhinestone hot pants back in Chodin’s closet*)

It’s basically a predictable, perfectly-executed experiment in form, which tend to be the most effective short films.  You can see the making-of video after the jump (along with a few more of my favorite shorts).  But spoiler alert: hold onto your panties, ladies, because the director is a handsome, scruffy Englishman. Yeah, whatever, dude. Let’s see you craft a pedophilia joke. Or make awesome gif animations.

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Oh. My. God.  This is a short film called “Phone Sex Grandma”, and it’s one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.  The concept is simple: a 60-something Southern grandma works a phone sex line.  I’m sure we’ve all seen a  version of this scene played out in countless films and television shows with varying degrees of hackyness, but somehow, the no-frills bleakness of this one, in depicting a scene which we all essentially already assumed existed, is indescribably divine.  The woman is LITERALLY KNITTING AND SITTING ON THE TOILET while delivering some of the most coarse, disgusting, swear-filled perversion you’ve ever heard. Filth flarn filth flarn filth.  She makes Betty White’s schtick look like a Disney adaptation of a Norwegian black metal song.  And she does it all!  She can play black, Asian, dominatrix, innocent schoolgirl, toothless penis-craving cumdumpster — PICK YOUR POISON!

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