Wherefore art thou, Ally Sheedy?

If I want to see a modern take on 1986′s Short Circuit, I’ll just watch Wall E again (the definitive “cute robot” story). But where we see progress, Hollywood sees remake potential, which is why they’ve been working on a Short Circuit “reboot” (THAT’S NOT A REAL THING! STOP ACTING LIKE IT’S A REAL THING!) since 2008. The latest news is that the director of Hop and Alvin and the Chipmunks is in negotiations to direct, which should be great, because the first Alvin teaser opened with a chipmunk putting a turd in its mouth (seriously, it did). Can robots fart? Well they can now.

Dimension Films is making a deal with Tim Hill to direct its reboot of Short Circuit, the 1986 film about an experimental robot manufactured to be a weapon until a lightning strike fills it with intelligence. It runs away and befriends a fractured family, the military in hot pursuit. Hill directed the Illumination pic Hop and Fox’s Alvin and the Chipmunks. Dimension optioned the remake rights in 2009, originally signing Paul Blart: Mall Cop helmer Steve Carr and screenwriter Dan Milano. The project has languished and Hill is being brought in to supervise a new script and get the iconic robot Johnny 5 moving. [Deadline]

The guy from Paul Blart is out, so they got the guy from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Jeez, was Leni Riefenstahl busy? Los Locos kick your ass! Los Locos kick your face! Los Locos put on sunglasses and dance to hip hop. Los Locos start loading gypsies into train cars.
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A remake of Short Circuit is a really good idea, as you can see from this quote by one of the producers:

We’re bringing Number 5 into the 21st Century and taking advantage of the improvements in robotics that are so massive that robots are now performing heart surgeries in hospitals,” Producer David Foster said. [Variety]

And in case you still had any doubts about a remake, don’t.  They hired the director of Paul Blart: Mall Cop to direct it.  He’s Sassy Ostrich’s favorite.

Dimension Films has signed Steve Carr to direct “Short Circuit,” the remake of the 1986 sci-fi pic. Carr is coming off the Kevin James hit “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.”  Scripted by Dan Milano (“Robot Chicken”), the remake is a robot reboot that brings the iconic Johnny 5 into the 21st century. Built by the military to be a highly sophisticated weapon, Johnny 5 develops a conscience and personality after being hit by lightning. He befriends a lonely boy and his fractured family. [Variety]

Look, I have as fond of memories of Johnny 5 as the next guy, especially the time those Puerto Ricans taught him how to steal car stereos.  But calling Johnny 5 “iconic” is like saying The Noid is an American institution.

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Aw, remember the good old days when Puerto Ricans could teach a robot how to steal car stereos?

When the remake of Short Circuit was first announced last year, it was set to be written by original Short Circuit writers Brent Maddock and the S.S. Wilson. The original was about a robot, intended as a weapon, who got struck by lightning and turned into a hippie, and then had to run from the government who wanted to destroy him (as I’ve said, almost all 80s movies were about peaceful aliens, robots, or mutants running from the government for some reason). Today it’s being reported that Robot Chicken writer Dan Milano has been hired on as a writer to give Maddock and Wilson’s script a “subversive edge.”

“We’re bringing Number 5 into the 21st Century and taking advantage of the improvements in robotics that are so massive that robots are now performing heart surgeries in hospitals,” Producer David Foster said. [Variety]

“It’s amazing, some people are even designing robots to give idiotic PR quotes.”  What Foster means, of course, is that in the updated version, Johnny 5 will wear sunglasses, and possibly have a faux hawk.  Seriously, who wants to bet me?  I guaran-goddamn-tee you either the trailer, the poster, or both will have Johnny 5 wearing sunglasses with his arms crossed over his chest.  Because he has attitude, you see.

Ever since the first Wall-E stills hit the web, me and many other movie bloggers have noted his similarity to Johnny 5 from Short Circuit.  Someone in Hollywood noticed, and in typical Hollywood fashion, confused a reference to something with a good idea, and now they’re planning a remake of Short Circuit.

The original introduced Number 5, a robot built by the military to be a highly sophisticated weapon. It developed a conscience and a personality after being hit by lightning, and then needed the help of humans after it was targeted for destruction by its makers, once it became a peacenik. [Variety]

Yes, and he also joined the Los Locos street gang, we remember.  The writers of the original (and of the Tremors movies), Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson (who’s apparently a ship), have been hired to write the remake.  Anyway, I realize I’m partly to blame for this and I apologize.  Everything else is still either Brett Ratner or those Meet the Spartans dipshits’ fault.