A couple weeks ago when I posted that video of Shia Labeouf getting beat up outside a bar in Vancouver (where he’s in town to shoot The Company You Keep), it quickly became one of my more popular posts. Shia LaBeouf has never bothered me as an actor (aside from being in bad movies), and mostly seems like an okay dude. But in general, people really seem to like the idea of him getting punched. Anyway, there were a ton of people standing around outside the bar at the time, so it seemed inevitable that we’d eventually get some eye witness accounts. This account comes from a regular at the bar in question. Obviously I wasn’t there, so I can’t totally vouch for its veracity, but I didn’t get the feeling he was just making this crap up. Besides, Canadians aren’t allowed to lie, are they? Isn’t that in their constitution, right next to the right to bear gravy?

• The two dudes trying to console Shia in the video were other bar patrons, not Shia’s friends. He supposedly comes into that bar all the time alone and gets “loser wasted.”
• Shia and that fat shirtless guy had been brawling inside the bar, where Shia “held his own,” but he was wasted and after they both got kicked out, it led to the pummeling you see in the video.
• “The best part missing from the video is the dude yelling ‘Where’s Bumblebee now!’”

Okay, so that last bit is really the only reason I posted this. “Where’s Bumblebee now?” is up there with “Three points for Gryffindor!” when it comes to hilarious celebrity meathead burns. People can be so cruel.

I debated whether or not to post it at all, because I don’t want to get all gossip queen on you, but in the end I figured that my job is to share things that I read and find interesting with you (and make wiener jokes about them!). So I feel like if I took some big moral stand about not posting something that I read myself and chuckled about, I’d be putting my own faux-righteous, feel-good, token stand above the people I’m supposed to be serving (i.e.. the readers. And the money. Of course the money. This jewel-encrusted jack-off couch doesn’t pay for itself.).

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"ERECTION, YOUR ONION, THE DEFENSE BREASTS!"

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for Puncture, in which Chris Evans plays a drug-addicted lawyer fighting a massive healthcare conspiracy in an indie drama he signed on for before Captain Amurka. I could tell you more about it, but really I just wanted to post this picture of Chris Evans lawyering shirtless (HOW DID HE STEAL THIS ROLE FROM MCCONAUGHEY?!) in a motel room for a mock jury of skanks. This is exactly how I’ve always imagined Danger Guerrero‘s legal career. “Your honor, I’m going to level with you. I may not have a ‘fancy law degree’ or ‘pants’. I’m just an ol-fashioned country boy with chiseled biceps and an ass you could bounce a quarter off. But one thing I do know, is that if you steal a man’s hot pockets, that man is entitled to retribution! Now can I get an amen?”

CAT JURY: Meow.

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Del Monte Foods has released the first photos of the Daniel-Craig-shaped popsicles from their “License to Chill” line.  My sources close to the company say the idea was born out of a brainstorming session in which the CEO challenged, “Folks, my family has been selling frozen juice phalluses for seven generations.  I just have one question: How can we make this gayer?”

Here at BASF, we don’t make a lot of the products you buy.  We make a lot of the products you buy gayer.

[JustJared via BWE]

^{They say cutoff shorts are the new loin cloth}

USA Today has your first look at the Native Americans cast as Stephenie Meyer’s “Wolf Pack” in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight.

Unlike cold-blooded neck biters, these poster guys for animal magnetism are hot. So hot that their temperature runs a steady 108 degrees, as anyone who has read Stephenie Meyer’s series of gothic romances knows.  Four actors — Chaske Spencer, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon and Bronson Pelletier, all with Native American heritage — join Taylor Lautner, 17, who returns as a hairier, scarier Jacob Black. The plotline finds Jacob growing closer to a distraught Bella (Kristen Stewart) after her vampire beau, Edward, runs off. [USA Today]

Great reporting, USA Today.  Hey, am I taking crazy pills?  Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that an abstinence parable does such a poor job of disguising the author’s fantasy of getting f*cked by a hot-blooded wolf Indian?  It’s just odd how okay everyone is with selling abstinence to tweens using the female equivalent of, “Hey, guys, check out the sweet tits on these pubescent virgins! Man, you can almost taste the steam comin’ off those camel toes.  Really makes a guy wanna bed the same one for his entire life, knowhatI’msayin?”

On an unrelated note, I think the one on the right is called Dances with Radcliffe.

Guy Ritchie is making a new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law.  Ritchie’s Sherlock will still be the logical mentalist you remember, but just because he’s smart doesn’t mean he can’t climb into a giant pit to see how many rats he can kill in two minutes from time to time.  This is Victorian England, after all.

Alternate caption: Heroin – it does a body good.  Picture 2 caption: “Psst, how much for a mustache ride?”

[IESB]