This is the only scene from Sherlock Holmes 2 that Tyler Perry understood

As every moment brings us closer to death, every Tuesday brings us more new old movies to watch at home. This week we’ve got two unnecessary sequels with unnecessary subtitles.  There’s also a not-in-drag Tyler Perry, David Cross, Peter Dinklage as a dwarf hooker, some generic monsters, a horror musical, the latest from The Asylum, and once again, Danny Trejo.

The DVDs:
Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows
Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance
Good Deeds
Thin Ice
Demoted
A Little Bit Of Heaven
In Darkness
Kill Speed
Almost Kings
Ranchero
You’ll Know My Name
All Alone
Don’t Go In The Woods
Monster Brawl
Alien Origin
Rift

Instead of fixating on the fleeting nature of life, mosey on over to the next page to learn more about each of these important films. If your time among the living is short, click here for some movies you can stream from Netflix right now. Read the rest of this entry »

UPDATE: According to the just-released updated numbers, Dragon Tattoo beat Chipmunks by $100K. Still too close to call.

There were three new releases over the Christmas holiday, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Tintin, and We Bought a Zoo, and all three got out-earned by last week’s top three, Mission Impossible IV, Sherlock Holmes 2, and Alvin and the Chipmunks 3. Dragon Tattoo earned an estimated $13 million for the weekend, which isn’t terrible — BoxOfficeMojo compares it to True Grit‘s $16 million on the same weekend last year — but was still below expectations.

Now, there are a few ways to read this. Obviously, one is that it’s a precursor to locusts and zombies on horseback as a harbinger of the apocalypse. Another way to read it is as a validation of Mission Impossible‘s platform-release strategy, where it came out in IMAX a week early, and by Christmas time, everyone had heard of it (I get the sense people just didn’t know some of these movies were out yet). And of course, there’s always the possibility that people were with their families on Christmas, and didn’t want to drag grandma to a film featuring graphic rape and gratuitous merkins. Not me though. My grandma practically invented the merkin. She even weaved one for the German Chancellor, Angela Merkin.

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Coming off last week’s worst box office weekend since 2008, there was hope that some bigger films would turn things around. Overall they did better than last week, but totals were down 13 percent from the same weekend last year. Sherlock Holmes 2 grossed $40 million domestically, which is decent, but disappointing compared to the last one’s $62 million opening. Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked made less than half what the Squeakquel made on opening weekend (WHEREFORE ART THOU, SQUEAKUEL?). It’s pretty bad when sequels are down significantly from their predecessors, given that even the sh*ttiest ones tend to out-earn the original thanks to name recognition. Mission Impossible was the only success, with its early, $13 million IMAX release qualifying it as the highest-grossing opening weekend for a limited release (fewer than 600 theaters).

Basically, films aren’t the draw they once were. With streaming and cable and TV shows getting better and better, there’s a lot more competition now, and the longer studios ignore it and try to operate like they always have (releasing all their “smart” movies at the end of December, for instance), the more it’s going to continue to decline. Almost without exception, all the decent movies I saw this year were films that the distributors considered too niche for a broad audience and almost no one saw them, because they barely had a chance to. Meanwhile this week’s top three releases have a 2, 3, and 4 next to the titles, and all had concepts created in the 1960s or earlier. If films are going to compete long-term, they’re going to have to start giving the “niche” stuff that gets people excited about movies a chance to compete with the bland blockbusters that make money. There are only so many Dark Knights. The general public has a major ambivalence towards movies right now, and if it doesn’t get better soon it’s going to turn into a grandpa medium the way late-night TV has. Even worse, if people stop going to see movies, they’re probably going to stop caring about movie news, and may even stop reading my website! CAN YOU IMAGINE A GREATER TRAGEDY TO BEFALL HUMANITY? Then what, I have to get a real job? Screw that, bro. Trust me, you don’t want me in the job market. Read the rest of this entry »

"And with these I can shake Jeremy's hand and not catch the gay?"

In Theaters Everywhere: Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol, Young Adult, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

FilmDrunk Suggests: There’s a little bit of everything for you movie hounds this weekend, and while I suggest that you make your own decisions in life, puppet master Vince reminds you that Young Adult was decent enough, but his money is on a HUGE second weekend for New Year’s Eve.

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That’s right, the movie is called “Good Deeds, and Tyler Perry plays… wait for it… WESLEY DEEDS. (Hence the “WD” on his briefcase). It’s also interesting to note, if you just replace “struggling to make ends meet” with “karate-chopping terrorists,” Tyler Perry movies are actually pretty similar to Steven Seagal movies (though admittedly less exciting). Replace his briefcase with a pistol in this poster and the morning sun behind him with a burning foreign city… BOOM, Steven Seagal poster. Tyler Perry is basically the Steven Seagal of quasi-religious melodrama.

Anyway, the movie. Let me guess, he struggles with the challenges and temptations of modern life, but ultimately finds redemption? Tyler Perry movies are already so much like dentist’s office posters, I’d respect him a lot more if he just broke down and made “Hang in There, Kitty: The Movie.” Someone write that down.

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