An artist's conception of what it might look like if these chicks almost touched boobs.

I can’t watch Glee, and it’s not because I’m homophobic — I still love Project Runway and have even watched Shear Genius once or twice — I just loathe campy musicals.  Nonetheless, for all you queerbaits who do love that show, Glee‘s Dianna Agron (left) has signed for I Am Number Four, the Michael Bay-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie, based on the upcoming book by James Frey and Jobie Hughes. Here is the cast as it now stands, including (in bold) the two that I can report exclusively (TOLDJA TOLDJA TOLDJA! — sorry, bloggers are supposed to do that, right?).  And you know you can trust me because I reported the casting of the lead two weeks before the trades, and because my mom says when I sleep I have the face of an angel.

Alex Pettyfer – John/Number 4
Teresa Palmer – Number 6
Sharlto Copley – Henri (Number 4′s guardian and mentor who comes to Earth with him)
Kevin Durand – The Commander
Dianna Agron – Sarah (girl dating the head jock who falls for Number 4)
Callan McAuliffe – Sam (Number 4′s best friend)

From what I understand, John is the lead, the good alien who flees his planet, Lorien, from the Mogadorians, led by Kevin Durand’s character, who chased them to Earth.  I know, I know, it sounds pretty silly.  But then again, there were lots of aliens at my high school.  Mostly in my Spanish class.  And now that I think about it, they must’ve had super powers because it was almost as if they knew the material before it was even taught.

According to Funny or Die, this is a little vignette called “Wikus and Charlize”, which originally played as an intro clip during the South African Music Awards (which is apparently something that exists).  In it, District 9′s Sharlto Copley reprises his role as Wikus van de Merwe, the Afrikaaner Steve Carell, and tries to convince fellow South African Charlize Theron to appear with him at the awards show.  I post it mainly because I know there are many of you who can’t get enough of Wikus from District 9.  I enjoy it too, even though Afrikaaners sound like scary witch people, and if I ran into one I’d probably burn it alive just to be safe.  This must be what they listen to while they wait for their babies to cook.

[ForD via Cinematical]

There’s a new trailer out for the Joe Carnahan-directed A-Team, and this one seems specially designed for the person who saw the first one and said, “Hmm, not ridiculous enough.”  Besides more of the parachuting-a-tank-out-of-an-airplane-and-shooting-other-planes-with-it scene, we’ve also got:

• Liam Neeson as Hannibal pulling the old Shawshank Redemption trick… for a cigar.  Just buy it at the commissary, show off.
• “I ain’t flyin on no planes!” is now “Oh hell naw. I ain’t steppin foot on any type a aircraft.”  Well la di dah, looks like someone‘s dating an English major.
• Instead of BA saying “I pity the fool!’, he just has “PITY” and “FOOL” tattooed on his knuckles. …Right, because just saying the line would’ve been stupid.
• District 9‘s Sharlto Copley as Murdock tries to jump start a van with a defibrillator.  About which Hannibal says “My kind of guy.”  Aw, I love that electricity-ignorant f*ck.
• RAIL GRINDING DOWN A SKYSCRAPER, OOH WHA AH AH-AH!
• BASE jump to parachute snagged on the skids of passing helicopter.  You know they planned that sh*t too.

As you all know, I grip it and rip it and live life with a lot of flair on a daily basis, but even I might have to keister a couple Red Bulls to get through this.  Ooh, and I almost forgot: Brad Cooper shirtless.  I knew there was a reason I had that vaseline out.

[available in HD at Apple]

The A-Team movie just released a batch of new pictures from the movie, in case you’re one of those people who prefer their photos not projected in rapid sequence to create the illusion of motion.  I just wish we could decide once and for all whether keffiyah scarves are for hipster pussies or special forces guys so I can exercise my God-given right to punch hipsters without worrying about getting my trachea stomped.  As Nathan Hale famously said, “I regret that I have but two fists with which to punch hipsters in their stupid face.”

[via ComingSoon]

(This scene was so extreme Vin Diesel started skysurfing on it.)

I posted the crappy, bootleg version of the new A-Team trailer last week, but now the official version is up and you can see Rampage, Liam, Brad Cooper, and the District 9 guy in glorious regular resolution. It’s still a dopey concept based on a dopey show, but it appears they’ve done a great job updating the plot.  By which I mean OMG SKYDIVING ON A TANK, SO XXXTREEEME!!!  *Rockstar Energy Drink enema*

No one seems to know whether they won’t actually kill any of the bad guys like in the original.  One of them is wearing a gas mask in the trailer — tear gas and tranq guns instead of bullets, perhaps?   Maybe instead of killing bad guys, they just drug em up and date rape them.  Seems plausible.  I mean, they are driving around in a van.

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