That's not a green screen

You may not remember through the haze of booze, pills, and indiscriminate hobo sex, but back in 2008, I posted a clip of a zombie fighting a shark. This was not done through special effects, unless you consider sticking an actor inside a shark tank a special effect. The clip came from Lucio Fulci’s 1980 film Zombie — why wouldn’t you call it “Zombie Shark Fight?” Sell the sizzle, man! — and thanks to a recent re-release, you’ll be able to see it in theaters this weekend at special midnight showings in advance of its DVD and Blu-Ray release next week (October 25th, to be precise). I’ve got the list of theaters and more pictures and video after the jump.

“Fulci put a stuntman dressed as a zombie in a tank with a live shark and made them fight – it’s one of the craziest, most insane and irresponsible scenes ever put on film. This was 1980, years before CG. And the zombie wins! To this day, nobody knows how in the hell he did it, it’s simply jaw-dropping. There’s nothing you will see in any modern zombie movie that comes close to what Fulci did in 1980.” – Eli Roth. [from the press release]

Based on my extensive knowledge of racial stereotypes from the 30s, I think I can imagine it went down. (EXCLUSIVE!):

STUNTMAN: But-a mister-a Fulci, how-a Guiseppe guana fight-a di shark? My mama, she barely-a teach-a me to swim! Please, Guiseppe got-a keeds to-a feed!

LUCIO FULCI: Guiseppe! Testaduro! How many-a time Lucio guana tell-a you? You dona a-gotta FIGHT-a di shark, you-a just-a gotta SWEEM with-a di shark. The shark, she wont-a even-a be-a hungry. We fill-em uppa good, with-a my mama’s a-meataballs!

STUNTMAN: …With-a… you mama‘s a-meataballs? Mamma mia! Everyone-a know, Mama Fulci’s a-meatballs, they’re-a di best eena Italy!

LUCIO FULCI: Oh, so-a now a-you no-a scared-a no more, skifozo? You just-a make sure-a the shark-a belly, she no burst-a from a-too many meataball. Now go, get inna di tank. You film-em uppa good, I give-a you some-a di leftover a-shark a-ball.  ACCIONE!

STUNTMAN: Mama Fulci’s a-meataball, here I a-come! (*kisses fingers, jumps in tank*)

After the jump: the trailer, more stills, and a list of theaters where you can see Zombie this weekend.

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Take off your smoking jackets and gather round, for today I bring you the trailer for Super Shark Attack, a film that promises to make Sharktopus look like Sharks in Venice.  This one comes from director Fred Olen Ray, a man you may know from such films as Super Ninja Bikini Babes, Genie in a String Bikini, Bikini Pirates, Bikini Round-Up, Bikini Chain Gang, The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., and Teenage Cavegirl (also known as, you guessed it, Bikini Cavegirl).

This time around, the Macguffin, if you will, is a giant shark that can walk on land, eat planes, and is impervious to bullets, which is of course a grave threat to a woman’s right to wear a bikini.  QUICK, TO THE EXPOSITORY DIALOG!

THE PRESIDENT: Bullets bounce off it, it walks around on its fins and it flies!?

ADVISOR: …It’s Super Shark. [DUH]

[...]

WEAPONS EXPERT: It’s a special prototype tank.

SOME DAME: A walking tank?

WEAPONS EXPERT: A walking tank for a walking shark. [BOOM, LOGIC BOMB]

And that’s when, in a scene that will surely go down in history, a WALKING TANK KICKS A WALKING SHARK IN THE FACE.  After all, why give a tank legs if not to… KICK ASS.  Oh, also, JJ Walker is there (filming in a separate room, it seems).  But will he say “DYN-O-MITE?”  Unless you watch, you’ll never know.

[i09 via GammaSquad]

Dammit. I know I already compiled my list of best “should be a movie” stories of 2010, but this definitely would’ve made the list.  Take a lesson, aspiring journalists, now THIS is how you write a news lede.

A Serbian man reportedly has become a hero in Egypt — by accidentally killing a shark with his butt while drunk.

(*weeps tears of joy*)

Dragan Stevic was soused to the gills [I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! -Ed] while partying at the Red Sea resort Sharm El Sheikh when he inadvertently felled the beast that had been terrorizing tourists for weeks.

Stevic cannonballed into the water from a high-diving board, according to a Macedonian news agency. [they have a diving board at the ocean? or was the shark in a pool? -Ed]

Instead of making a splash, he came down right on the shark’s head, killing the toothed terror instantly.

The fun-loving party boy was immediately touted as a local hero who saved tourist season, which had dried up after the shark had injured three people and killed one vacationer.

Stevic swam to shore and is currently in the hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning. [NYPost]

“Hello, Michael Bay? Yeah, gas up the hovercraft. That’s right, a shark. AND HE KILLED IT WITH HIS BUTT.”

Man, if this Serb with the butt that kills sharks teamed up with Melissa Lee Williams’ poisonous vag, they’d be an unstoppable killing machine.

I first brought you news of Sharks in Venice nearly a year ago, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t follow up to inform that you can now own it on DVD and Blu-Ray and possibly laser disc, the format of kings.  As you can see from the trailer, this movie has literally everything: sharks, treasure, Stephen Baldwin, sharks, machine guns, boats, Italians, sharks, motorcyles, chainsaws, sharks, and sharks.  And might I add, critical acclaim?

[From an Amazon user review] Ah, Venice. The gem of Europe with it’s swimming pool colored water, incompetent police force, and English-speaking citizenry who occasionally string together a many as two or even three simple Italian words together just so you know you’re in Italy. And how could one forget the roaring man-eating great white sharks patrolling the surface in broad daylight that nobody ever sees and ignores even when they tear through a gondola or two and then spend two minutes chomping at minuscule floating bits of bait while one wonders where the rest of the person they are supposedly eating is? Either way, the populace simply report these people as missing and the police do their best to assure everybody that it was just a boating accident even when there is no evidence of a boating accident aside from the occasional gnawed torso floating around. Because they wouldn’t want tourism to go down, see? Personally, I’d go to Venice right the hell now if there was a chance I’d see a great white shark eat a dude. Now what’s REALLY scary is all of those boating accidents.

And if you act now, you can buy Sharks in Venice bundled with Yeti and Warbirds for just $35.97.  How awesome would that be??  You’re right, Stephen Baldwin, there is a Santa Claus.

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I posted the first clip earlier, and now Jason Reitman’s Up in the Air has a trailer.  We see cameos from Zach Galifianakis, Danny “I’m in every movie now” McBride, and Jason Bateman, all of it set to a George Clooney voiceover that seems really deep, but it’s probably just the piano music.

“How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack.  Now, I want you to pack it with all the stuff you have in your life.  You start with the little things: the shelves and drawers and nicknacks. Then you start adding larger stuff: clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… Your backpack should be getting pretty heavy now.  You go bigger.  Your couch, your car, your home.  I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.  Now, I want you to fill it with people.  Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office.  Then you move into the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets.  Brothers, your sisters, your parents, your children.  And finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend.  You get them into that backpack.  Feel the weight of that bag.  Make no mistake, your relationships are the heaviest components of your life.  All those negotiations and arguments and secrets and compromises.  The slower we move, the faster we die.  Make no mistake, moving is living.  Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically over a lifetime: star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans.  We. Are. Not. Swans.  We’re sharks.”

I bet the hardest part of this for Jason Reitman was figuring out how to pitch such a philosophical concept to a bunch of movie execs.  But then one day he had an epiphany: “GEORGE CLOONEY… has a backpack… full of SHARKS.”

Pictured: The best JanSport ad ever.  [video via /Film]