As you may remember from their Oscar Spectacular, the folks at Some E-Cards do movie related stuff from time to time, and always with their usual high degree of excellence and professionalism. 

They’ve recently added a summer movie section, and I’ve included a few excerpts here.  I love Some E-Cards so much.  If Some E-Cards were a girl, I’d have sex with her. Sober.  Boosh. 

[Thanks to Sicksauce and Deaners for the tip] 

To coincide with the Sex and the City Movie opening May 30th, today on ABC News: the cautionary tale of Lisa from Long Island.

She got hooked on "Sex and the City" when she was a 14… It was the same year she lost her virginity. She soon graduated to ordering cosmopolitans at bars she snuck into and cheating on her boyfriend with up to seven other guys — in one week.

Man, what a whore!  But surely she couldn’t be to blame for her own actions!

"When you’re that age you try to emulate people on TV. Carrie smoked, so I smoked, Samantha looked at hooking up with random people as not a big deal, so that’s what I did too," said Lisa, now 22.

Hooking up with random people?  Probably not that big a deal.  Seven dudes in one week when you’re 14?  You just won the Whore Olympics (if you thought the regular olympics’ torch was phallic…).

    But Lisa remembers re-enacting one particular Samantha scene in her own life: Season 3, episode 39, in which the bachelorette-for-life scrunches her face up at her latest suitor and tells him she doesn’t like the way he tastes.
    "That was something that happened to me. I used her exact words: ‘You have funky spunk,’" she said. "I knew from watching the show that it had to do with something he was eating," so she took a cue from the script and took an ax to a certain item in his diet.

Might as well have taken an ax to his penis after you had sex with him!  Haha, this is going to make great brunch conversation!  But of course, Lisa’s story has a happy ending, and not because it’s set in an Asian massage parlor.

Lisa left her "Samantha" ways behind at 19, when she moved to Utah, became a Mormon…

…married a man within the church and gave birth to two children [bet they just fell right out of there - Ed.]. For the first year of her marriage, her husband forbade her to watch "Sex and the City" for fear that it would lure her back to her habits of sex, drugs and one-too-many cosmos. [via ABC]

Yup, if there were ever a surefire cure for whorin’ it’s Mormonism.  I mean, what a story!  Hope you were paying attention, Mormon missionaries, that’s recruiting gold! The real winner here is the husband, who, after a life of abstention and wholesome haircuts gets rewarded with a wife who used to get her guts exploded by any biker with a six pack and a motel key.  Yes, the lord works in mysterious ways.

The rest of the article drones on for awhile quoting random “experts” out of context and attempting to justify a story like Lisa’s being in ABC and not The Onion.  Although I only skim read it, I’m pretty sure it never explains when they started hiring 15-year-old girls taking remedial English classes to do their reporting. 

This is from the Sex and the City movie premiere in London.  I have a hat just like that, except with a grizzly bear catching a salmon.

[Source] 

Sadly, it’s not Charlotte/Kristin Davis, because she’s a big prude.

Davis, 43, recalled the moment when the film’s writer and director Michael Patrick King told her to strip. She said: "He tried to get me to be naked in the shower scene. I feel like I can’t do that stuff. I feel really panicky about that stuff." [It's okay, baby, just relax. -Ed.]

Surprisingly, it’s not Samantha/Kim Cattrall either.

Cattrall was notoriously uninhibited as the promiscuous Samantha and frequently appeared naked. Now divorced, however, even the 51-year-old actress is featured only partly nude in the new film, in a scene showing her fantasising about making love while covered in sushi. [Source]

Jesus.  According to the ancient texts of my religion, post-menopausal vag should be kept far far away from raw meat.  Anyway, of course Carrie/Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t getting naked, so who does that leave?  …Yup, Miranda/Cynthia Nixon.  Orange you excited?  Reportedly the nude scene occurs when Miranda is surprised by a pack of lions while munching on acacia leaves down at the watering hole.    -Thanks to Robo for the tip

The hot rumor on the interwebs for a while was that the Sex and the City movie (trailer here) would kill off one of the show’s major characters.  According to the director, it won’t be Mr. Big.

"Kill Mr. Big? I would have been chased around the planet by women with torches," said Michael Patrick King, who also wrote the film and produced it along with its star, Sarah Jessica Parker.

"I did want an emotional roller-coaster," King said. "But my ultimate target was to make our ‘girlfriends’ — in other words, our audience — happy. And I don’t think Mr. Big dying would make them happy."

King went on to say that Samantha would discover a new variety of bon bons that make you younger, and Carrie’s aloof fuck-buddy will fall in love with her “because she’s so good at expressing herself and always says whatever pops into her head, no matter how trivial.”