Make ouuu-- oh. Carry on, then.

The other day I brought you the news that Natalie Portman had co-written with college friend Laura Moses BYO, a “raunchy”, female-driven sex comedy in the vein of Superbad, in which a sexed-up Portman would sexily play one of the main sex characters.  The script is currently making the rounds, and now, much like your sister in a mini-skirt, some of the juicier bits have begun to leak out.  In fact, according to a recent report, the script features one of the leads giving a Boniface Jenkins to a 15-year-old boy.  And on the fifth page no less!

The two main characters are Lucy and “Al” (short for Alice) — Lucy is the wild sex fiend and Al is the more or less level-headed one. There’s a scene on page five in which Lucy is caught blowing a 15 year-old by the teen’s mother. “There is one other sex scene,” he says, “but who knows what it’ll be. Let’s just say [the rest of the script] doesn’t get any dirtier than the page-five BJ.” [Hollywood-Elsewhere]

And I hope that by “level-headed” they mean she blows dudes her own age, because when I was 15, the closest I got to a BJ was when mom’s boyfriend slept over.  What is this, science fiction?

Sub-joke: Oral sex with a 15-year-old on page five?  Sounds like someone owes Roman Polanski royalties.

Sub-joke 2: I heard “Page-five, BJ” is how they call your mom over the intercom where she works.

YouTube claims this is NSFW and made me sign in to watch it, but aside from some swearing, I’m not sure what’s so NSFW about it.  Oh my God, cartoons having sex that they don’t show with no nudity! Hide the children and put a helmet on the dog!!  Anyway, it comes from some dude named Harry Partridge and is sponsored by Newgrounds, whatever that means.   It’s not the actual Na’avi tentacle sex scene from the script, but I’m not ashamed to say that it made me laugh a lot.  Still, I’m not convinced the actual scene wouldn’t have been just as funny.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some soup to drink.  Vagina soup.

(Hand soup)

[via GorillaMask]

Grease up your gearshift, sailor, because Zac Efron’s gonna be in another movie.  But not just any movie.  A sexy movie.

Zac Efron has signed to star in an untitled thriller for Mandate Pictures, which is being written by Leslie Dixon.

The plot is being kept under wraps but it is described as “a sexy thriller.” The deal continues the evolution of Efron from the teen heartthrob of the “High School Musical” franchise to a more mature leading man, and also sees him stepping into producing shoes.

The producer shoes are five sizes too big – he likes to make a mustache out of charcoal and then waddle around in them like Charlie Chaplin, it’s the cutest!  Anyway, I’m not saying I’d rape Zac Efron in prison, but I’d sure as hell watch.

[via THR]

Marsha Brady (Maureen McCormack) went on the Today Show today to discuss her memoir, and how she used to trade sex for drugs (1:16 of the first video) and get abortions and dated Michael Jackson and Steve Martin and almost lost her virginity to her TV brother.  Pretty much the same old child actor story except sexier.  But the fun really starts in the second video when Extra correspondent Carlos Diaz gets ahold of it.

“Thank God that grass in the back yard was fake, they probably would’ve tried to smoke it!  I mean, I can’t – this is unbelievable stuff!  I mean, I didn’t know that she was so ticked off that her nose got broken because it affected her coke habit!  And the eating disorder!  You had Alice makin all your food, how could you have an eating disorder!

“Yeah, and Sam the Butcher providing only the leanest cuts of beef I’m sure!

“Exactly!  I just. Cannot. Picture. Marcia Brady freebasing!”

A bottomless well of hilarity is the only way I can describe it.  I can’t wait until Carlos Diaz goes on the Today Show to promote his upcoming book, A Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being an Insufferable Dickweed.
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