The Golden Globes happened last night, and thank God there was a dog in a bow tie there, or else it would’ve been a total loss. To recap briefly, Ricky Gervais was the main reason to watch, and save for a few moderately funny Kardashian jokes, he was thoroughly unmemorable (you can watch his monologue below. It was… okay). The highlight of the night was probably seeing George Clooney talk about Michael Fassbender’s huge penis, because it means George Clooney is as obsessed with the Fasspenis as I am. The other highlight was Seth Rogen taking the stage with Kate Beckinsale and saying, “I’m Seth Rogen, and I’m trying to disguise my enormous erection.”
Basically, it was a great night for boners. The lowlight probably went to Madonna, who won best song (???) and took the stage pretending to be Abe Simpson on Vh-1 Storytellers (“The story of how I wrote this song isn’t so much interesting as it is long…”). Though Michelle Pfeiffer introducing War Horse as an incredible film “about a miraculous horse” was also quite bad. Though it did encapsulate perfectly why I could never like that movie. I don’t trust anyone who could write or say the phrase “miraculous horse” without feeling like an asshole. War Horse and the Iron Lady aren’t films that should win awards, they’re satire that prove how terrible awards shows are.
Full list of winners plus my live-tweet of the event on the next page.





