After being bumped from its original December 2012 release, the

I haven’t read the book, but from what I understand, it’s an oral history of a zombie apocalypse told after the fact. The movie is set during the zombie outbreak, with Brad Pitt trying to find out what caused the zombies to become zombies, while stuff explodes around him as graphs and helpful expository dudes tell us how many people have died and Brad Pitt runs and runs. It all feels very Nic Cage. Have you noticed that in movies, “racing against the clock” always involves a lot of actual racing? They should just hire the world’s foremost scientist, Usain Bolt.

Meanwhile, Brad Pitt’s daughter in this may win the son-in-Homeland Memorial Award for being a verbose rube. “Daddy, I’m scared!” Wait, you mean you’re scared of the horde of murderous zombies trying to beat down the door as we cower in this tiny panic room? Gee, what a fresh observation, honey! This changes everything! You’re just the one to lead us out of this mess, we’ll start by declaring you the Empress of Obvioustown.

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Can combining two lame, played-out genres create something new? That’s the basic question behind Warm Bodies (based on the book of the same name), which combines the zombie movie with the unpopular-high-school-kid-in-love movie, in the hopes of earning a DOUBLE KITSCH SCORE. Nicholas Hoult (Beast from X-Men First Class) plays the zombie, Teresa Palmer is his human love interest, and you can watch the first four minutes online below. I guess it makes sense, I mean, what’s a zombie anyway if not a prototypical movie slacker, only with paler skin, discheveleder hair, a slouchier posture, and a dirtier hoody? Anyway, I have to admit, my initial reaction is “GUHHHHHHH…”, but it does come from Jonathan Levine, who last directed 50/50, which was easily one of my top five favorite movies of that year. Maybe this will be good? I wouldn’t put my money on that, but I’d bet my life that the zombies are some kind of metaphor, you guys!

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(*extended fart noise*)

Etan Cohen, one of the town’s hottest comedy scribes, is in negotiations to make his directorial debut on Paramount’s horror-comedy Boy Scouts vs. Zombies.
With an “it’s all in the title” moniker, Boy Scouts centers on a troop that must save a group of girl scouts from a pack of zombies with designs on spoiling a camping trip.
The script was written by Carrie Evans and Emi Mochizuki and made the 2010 Black List of Hollywood’s most-liked screenplays. Paramount picked it up the same year. |THR|

Be honest, you’re just playing shitty-idea Mad Libs now, right? Pride and Predator and Sea Monsters and Zombies and Queefs and Angels and Demons and Vampires and (noun).

Meanwhile, Marc Forster, whom I remind you has directed multiple Oscar-nominated films, has signed on to direct… ugh… Cowboy Ninja Viking for Universal, adapted by Zombieland writers Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese from the comic of the same name. It’s pretty much exactly like it sounds, because… how could it not be? It’s called “Cowboy Ninja Viking.” I don’t know what idiot’s greenlighting these, but I imagine he’s wearing a Charlie Sheen “WINNING” t-shirt and asking for high fives in a Borat voice when he does it.

Hey, what’s more original than the concept of zombies?  Ooh, I know, seeing the movie through the eyes of the characters filming it on their crappy camcorder!  Brilliant!  That’s never been done before!

God, Hollywood is like a magical land of new ideas and originality and mythical rainbow vagina fairies. 

When I was typing up this post, I accidentally typed Dairy of the Dead, and then I realized that wouldn’t be any less stupid than this.  Moo, I’m dead, call the academy.