Our country’s finest satirists, Jason Seltzer and Aaron Friedberg (Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie) are lampooning the country’s vampire craze in their latest film, Vampires Suck.  Here’s the first trailer.  And of course by ‘lampooning’, I mean literally recreating scenes from other movies but rewriting it so that someone gets hit with something.  I’m f*cking serious.  That is the format of 99% of Seltzer-Freebird’s jokes.  I could take the keys off my keyboard, feed them to a hobo, sock him in the belly, and whatever came out his ass would still be a better screenplay than anything these two idiots have ever written.

Hey, remember last time I wrote about Seltzer-Freebird, knowing absolutely nothing about this movie other than that it was about vampires?

With Seltzer-Freebird, you know the satire will never go further than Lady Gaga slipping on a banana peel.  Seriously, I will bet you $1000 that this will include a Lady Gaga joke.

Pay up, motherf*ckers.  And for shame, Ken Jeong.  You can’t need the money that bad.  Seeing Ken Jeong in a Seltzer-Freebird movie is worse than a Cowboy fan watching Jimmy Johnson do commercials for d*ck pills.

Virtually everyone hated Seltzer-Friedberg's movies, but alas, their only audience was retard pig

Seltzer & Friedberg loved their new co-director, Retard Pig. Meanwhile, even Brendan Fraser found the action so stupid, he had to pour coffee on himself to prove he wasn't hallucinating.

Brilliant satirists Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, whom you may remember as the writer/directors behind such films as Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, and Epic Movie, are back, and this time they’re doing a vampire spoof. Because they like to take their time and put a lot of thought into these, it will be in theaters in less than two months, on August 18th. The title?  Vampires Suck.  Seltzer and Friedberg are very in touch with their inner 5th grader, who’s kind of an idiot.  No cast yet, but the IMDB listing includes Ken Jeong of Community, which I hope is a misprint.  C’mon, Ken Jeong, you’re better than that.  Gary Coleman’s widow is better than that.

Say what you will about the obviousness of a Twilight parody, you have to admit a thuper therious thullen abstinence parable about gay vampire scarf baseball is at least ripe for parody; far more than, say, taking already funny comedies and “lampooning” them (I’m looking at you, 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up... Etc.).  Though with Seltzer-Freebird, you know the satire will never go further than Lady Gaga slipping on a banana peel.  Seriously, I will bet you $1000 that this will include a Lady Gaga joke (the real loser of the bet will be the person who has to watch the film in order to collect).  Who finances these pieces of sh*t, anyway?  Oh right, Fox.

The problem is personal responsibility.  The guys who finance these should have to publicly take credit for them, every idiotic reference with no point or punchline.  I would rather finance child porn than a Seltzer-Friedberg movie.  Seltzer-Friedberg financiers make child pornographers look like hospice nurses.

Writer/directors Poop-smearing monkeys Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, who are to comedy what AIDs is to Africa, yet apparently earn enough to afford $3 million homes, are taking on the indie scene in their next “film”, LA Art Movie.  Haha, stupid art fags, always telling you not to drool on your bib.  We’ll show them with a nonsensical Britney Spears reference.  Anyway, /Film claims to hear rumor the film might actually be a Twilight spoof, and even uncovered a few casting calls, aka ads on Craigslist.

AMBER – 18-22, beautiful and sensitive, must have a flair for comedy… LEAD

PHILIP – 18-24, darkly attractive, aristocratic adn intense, must have a flair for comedy… LEAD

MICHAEL – 18-22, working class, sincere and appealing, must have a flair for comedy… LEAD

FRANK – 40-50, Amber’s dad, good looking

I think it helps to imagine they mean “LEAD” as in the metal.  …Wait, did they say “flair for comedy”?!?

You said it, Sassy Ostrich.  Seriously though, I’d rather see my daughter in bukkake stump porn than a Seltzer Freebird movie.

No one knows much about “directors” Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, as they wisely keep a low profile.  The only thing certain is that their “movies”, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, are like a biblical plague.  They’re almost impressive in that it’s impossible to overstate how bad they are.  No one knows why they keep getting made, or why their financiers aren’t tarred, feathered, and sterilized.  And though everyone hates them, financially, they seem to be doing just fine.  In fact, Seltzer recently put his house on the market – for almost three million dollars.

Film writer-director-producer Aaron Seltzer has listed his Studio City home at $2,949,000. The Cape Cod-style house, built in 1951, has five bedrooms and 5 1/2 bathrooms in about 4,200 square feet. The sunroom has walls of French doors. [LATimes]

That’s right, the guy who wrote Disaster Movie was living in a $3 million house.  Game over, man, game over. I may have to cheer for the terrorists from now on.

[Thanks to 'Slowhand' for the tip]

If the trailer for Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl looks familiar, that’s because it comes from director/special-effects guy Yoshihiro Nishimura, of Tokyo Gore Police/Samurai Princess fame.  This time it’s like he isn’t even trying.  The whole trailer is just constant blood spurting, exploding heads, and assorted weirdness, like a girl with a herpe on her lip.  It looks like the Japanese answer to Seltzer-Friedberg.  Which is a shame, because when I hear a movie called Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl I expect coherent storytelling.

Also, what the hell is this supposed to be?  Blackface is one thing, but giant prosthetic lips and a big flat nose is taking it a step too far. I learned that at sensitivity training.  I mean, what gives, Japan?  It’s not like we’ve ever turned your people into an offensive stereo- what’s that?  Hold on, someone’s sending me a picture… Oh right.  Carry on then.

[via Twitch via RoboPanda]