Icon Entertainment has announced the existence of a new Seltzer-Friedberg movie (“The Biggest Movie of All Time 3-D”), and not a moment too soon.  I’m not sure how much longer I could’ve gone without seeing a Spike TV actor dressed like Snooki slip on a banana peel and fart.  Icon plans to sell distribution rights at Cannes, where I like to imagine them discussing the relative merits of Donald Trump with a bowl of spaghetti on his head over beluga caviar and magnums of Dom.  “Ahh yezz, my friend, but are you not forgeteen about zee farts?”

Meanwhile, the Variety article treats the project with the perfect use of Sarcastiquotes:

Yes, ‘movie’ indeed.  It just goes to show, Osama may be dead, but Al-Qaeda’s still recruiting.

The good news is that at least Vampires Suck wasn’t number one.  The bad news is, it was the top new release this weekend, earning $12.2 mil ($18 mil including Wednesday and Thursday) with an audience that was 72% under 21.  Scott Pilgrim, which opened about $2 million lower than Vampires Suck last weekend, fell off 52% (compared to 48 for Eat Pray Love) and dropped to number ten.  It’ll be out of theaters in a matter of weeks.  It’s made $20 mil so far on a $60 million budget.  Fingers crossed for DVD?  Oh hey look, a puppy died of cancer.

Vampires Suck is like that obvious joke anyone with a sense of humor skipped over. You just assume anyone with half a brain already put it together in their head a quarter second after they saw the first Twilight trailer.  A whole movie making fun of Twilight?  What’s the point?  It’s already funny on its own.  That left Seltzer-Freebird the only game in town.  “Awesome, dude, someone’s finally stickin’ it to Twilight!”  Idiots thought to themselves. All I’m saying is, it looks like we’re going to have to start playing dirty.  If people can get outraged over Janet Jackson’s nipple, can’t we boycott Fox for distributing these Al Qaeda recruitment videos?  Or at least start punching teenagers?  Please?  Come on, I really want to start punching teenagers.

Oh who am I kidding, we’ve already lost.  Tyra Banks will be elected President, and Heidi Montag will have to take over for Tila Tequila as speaker of the house when the Juggalo majority pelts her with rocks and poop and Brian Pumper CDs. It’s too late, we hit Idiocracy 500 years ahead of schedule.  This what happens when Antonio Cromartie and the Duggars contribute 37% of the total gene pool.

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Every time I post a story about the near-universally-reviled, turd-making duo Seltzer-Friedberg, the obvious question is: who the hell sees these movies?  Now, thanks to this video from the Vampires Suck premiere, we have some idea. This is my favorite screen cap of at least the last six hours.

Dammit, Dad, what’d I tell you about borrowing my Fozzy Bear beanie?  Ugh, you’re gonna get it all stretched out.

Jeez, this is the worst Gwar tribute show I’ve ever been to.  I’m not sure they’ve even seen the original.

It was cool of the PR firm to give this guy something to do. This way he gets to make a few bucks, and he doesn’t have to spend the rest of the day in the park trying to f*ck his mannequin.

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Wow, a Seltzer-Friedberg joint wasn’t good?  Who knew, huh?  I like how you can’t show a nipple on TV, yet Fox continues to distribute these guys’ movies without fear of a boycott.  I’d rather support Al-Qaeda.

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If you’ve seen five minutes of any of their movies (Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie), you know that without a doubt, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg are two of the finest satirists ever to live.  The way they skewer societal paradigms with Paris Hilton impersonators getting hit by cars and Lady Gaga slipping on a banana peel… (*kisses fingertips*) magnifique.  Acclaimed film critic Armond White once said of the duo, “they stand so lonely on pop-culture’s fringe that their a la carte recidivism seems absolutely contre-jour when compared to the ersatz Hollywood j ne sais quois.”

Well sadly, it seems those two national treasures may not receive the compensation they so richly deserve for their upcoming masterpiece “Vampires Suck.”  According to a new report, it has been downloaded illegally 100,000 times.

An unfinished copy of “Vampires Suck,” Fox’s the hotly anticipated [!!!] parody of “Twilight”, has now been downloaded more than 100,000 times since its leak more than a month ago, according to TorrentFreak.
Now faced with another major leak, Fox’s legal department has quietly become more aggressive, sending takedown requests to torrent sites and Google. They likely want to avoid the fate of the 2004 parody film “Soul Plane,” [!!!] which prompted an FBI investigation after pirated copies flooded the black market weeks before its release.
“Soul Plane” was cited as one of the first Hollywood films to be impacted by digital piracy [the horror!]. Will pirates suck the life out of “Vampires Suck?” [LORD GOD I HOPE NOT!] Fox is publicly downplaying down the leak [DERP!], saying the incident occurred a month ago and there isn’t anything new to report. [Yahoo/THR]

That’s depressing.  Not the piracy, the fact that 100,000 people actually wanted to see Vampires Suck.  Illegally downloading a Seltzer-Freebird movie is like stealing a Susan Boyle sex tape.