LatinoReview debuted the the new poster for Disney’s Secretariat, which stars John Malkovich and Diane Lane, though you’d never know it from the poster, which seems to focus more on the Sarah Jessica Parker angle.  (Had you heard?  She somewhat resembles a horse).  And of course the tagline, “THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUE STORY.”   Talk about selling the sizzle!  Come see our horse movie!  A story so wholly impossible and totally true that it’s literally incredible!

Now, I know I’m being a word nerd here, but is it really so much to ask that you sell a product without completely raping the meanings of words?  This is not an isolated problem.  Even as I was writing this post, I got this press screening invite in my inbox:

BRAN NUE DAE is a charming new Australian-based, road movie, coming of age, comedy musical that literally bursts onto the screen with unbridled energy and fun.

Dude. “Literally bursts onto the screen with unbridled energy and fun.”  I don’t know what that means.  It means nothing.  Next time, just write “Got ___” and take a lunch break before you hurt yourself.

Haha, just kidding, you guys, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t actually in this Secretariat movie. I was just making a joke because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but many people say she somewhat resembles a horse.  No really, it’s true.

Dylan Walsh, John Malkovich and Scott Glenn are saddling up for “Secretariat,” the story of the horse that won the 1973 Triple Crown.  Diane Lane stars as the horse’s owner Penny Tweedy, the housewife who broke though a gender barrier to usher Secretariat to greatness. Walsh plays Lane’s husband, a successful attorney who is accustomed to his wife being at his beck and call.  Malkovich plays a charismatic trainer who underestimates the power of Secretariat; Glenn is a southern-bred aristocrat who loses the horse in a coin toss. [THR]

Hey, didn’t we already make this movie when it was called Seabiscuit?  A different horse wins the Kentucky Derby every year, they don’t all need movies.  When you break it down, a horse just happens to be the only animal stupid enough that you can not only climb on its back, but whipping it actually makes it take you places faster.  Try pulling that sh’t with a retarded kid.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  You don’t even have to promise the horse anything.  You just scare it, which isn’t hard because it’s an idiot, and then if it’s more scared than the other horses you start treating it like it’s the effing pope.  Screw horses.  The only way I’m seeing this movie is if it’s about a guy who boxes horses.  Cinderella Horse, they could call it.  Because hits them so hard they lose a shoe, you see.