"Come and give bubbe a kiss."

Here’s Sean Penn on the Dublin set of This Must Be the Place. At first I thought he was playing the role of the world’s ugliest Jewish grandma, but then I realized he wasn’t wearing nearly enough jewelry.

Sean plays a retired rock star who puts on his Detective La Toya monocle to track down the Nazi war criminal responsible for torturing his father at Auschwitz. [DListed]

I think these are the pictures your doctor keeps handy in case your boner pills give you one of them four-hour erections.

Sean Penn recently took time out of his busy schedule of saving Haitian orphans using the healing power of scowls to sit down with Zach Galifianakis on Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis.  Or rather, sit down with Zach Galifianakis’ twin brother, Seth. I don’t want to ruin it by telling you what happens, but I really enjoy this as a non-sequitir:

“Funions needs to be in the movie, he’s got a captain’s hat on him!”

I’m going to be shouting that at strangers all week.  Sidenote: is there a more white name than ‘Seth’?  Preston?  Mort?  Discuss.  Hey, which one of these do you think looks more like Funions?

“What? No, mom, how many times do I have to tell you: I am a serious writer!  Quit riding me, I’ll be up for dinner in a minute.”

Here we have the first trailer for Fair Game, starring Naomi Watts as Valerie Plame and Sean Penn as Joe Wilson, directed by Doug “Uncle Touchy” Liman. This looks Valerie LAME, amirite?  High five? …Guys? Look, it’s not that the true story of a CIA agent getting outed by the government (a potentially life-threatening situation) for refusing to lie for them isn’t inherently dramatic, it’s definitely got more drama than, say, the story of the Facebook guy, it’s just that we already know that she’s fine.  Hell, she wrote the damn book.  It’s a little hard to take that much drama and heroic music in an autobiographical story.  “Yeah, so then I was all like, ‘DID. YOU. ORDER. THE CODE RED!” and he was all, ‘YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!’ and then I kissed Demi Moore and the crowd went wild.  I’m telling you, I was the best fruity midget JAG lawyer the Navy had ever seen.”

They went all Social Network with this one when they probably would’ve been better off going the Burn After Reading/Wag the Dog route.  By the way, I still say “Wag the Dong” would make a great porn parody title.  Starring Naomi Twattz.

Obvious Mash Up Idea:
NAOMI WATTS AS VALERIE PLAME: “You can’t break me. I have no breaking point.”

DOLPH LUNDGREN AS IVAN DRAGO: “I must break you.”

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Are you still interested in a Valerie Plame movie?

(Watch out, you know he’s angry when his face gets blurry)

According to TMZ, the LA City Attorney plans to file charges against Sean Penn for misdemeanor battery and vandalism today. The maximum sentence he could face is 18 months in jail.  The charges stem from an incident last October in Brentwood (video below) when Penn came up to some photographers and was all like, “Hey, you guys like kickball?”  *clang, clang*.  We used to play that game all the time back in the dorms, hence why I’m sterile.

Penn previously served 33 days for assaulting a photographer back in 1987, and most recently announced his unretirement from acting last month.  By most accounts, Penn is kind of a prick.  But Penn aside,, why is this illegal?  If you take a picture of someone without their permission, you run the risk of getting punched or kicked. That’s just basic logic.  In fact, I propose simple battery on a paparazzo be made legal, provided you do it yourself and don’t pay some bodyguard to do it.  It’s only fair.  You can’t just stand around all day pestering someone, then run and tattle when you get smacked.  If you choose to act like an annoying little sister, you’re gonna have to play the why-you-hitting-yourself game from time to time.  Those are just the rules.  I thought this was America.

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I was the first to confirm the rumor that Sean Penn would be playing Larry in the Farrelly Brothers’ Three Stooges movie back in February.  Benicio Del Toro and possibly Jim Carrey later signed on to play Curly and Moe, until Penn announced his “hiatus from acting” and threw the whole project into limbo.  But now, Penn is back, and the Farrellys want to shoot Three Stooges after they finish an awful-sounding Owen Wilson comedy called Hall Pass.

Penn took a Tinseltown time-out back in June when he announced he was forgoing future film projects to focus on his family as his marriage to Robin Wright Penn went down the tubes.  [Editor's Note: why does every gossip columnist think alliteration is so clever?]
“We got him back,” Bobby Farrelly told the Track. “He always said he wanted to do it after, you know, taking care of his family.”
Now that they have their Larry back and Benicio Del Toro is still interested in playing Moe, Curly still needs to be cast. There was word, way back when, that Jim Carrey was interested. But Bobby claims otherwise. [BostonHerald]

The Farrelly Brothers haven’t made a good movie in a really long time, but if they want this to work, I’d suggest working aspects of their actors’ lives into the plot.  Larry’s cheats on his wife and is gettin divorced, Curly’s wife has some cockamamie theory about vaccines causing autism, Moe is turning into the Wolfman — it’d be like a Tyler Perry movie for white people, but awesome.