So I just read a CNN story entitled “Sean played a role in hikers’ release from Iran.” Now I’m full of questions. Perhaps you can help. Take this ride with me.

Actor Sean Penn helped play a role in securing this week’s release of two U.S. hikers imprisoned in Iran for more than two years, his representative confirmed Friday.

His representative “confirmed?” That implies that someone else had previously suggested, or suspected, that Sean Penn helped play a role. Quit skipping steps, CNN, I’m lost.

The report was first published by the Reuters news agency, which cited a source close to the release process as saying that Penn flew to Venezuela months ago to speak about the hikers’ plight with President Hugo Chavez, an ally of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Mara Buxbaum, a rep for Penn, confirmed the Reuters report but declined to provide additional details.

Venezuelan state media reported Friday that Chavez was part of the mediation process that resulted in the release of Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer on Wednesday.

Okay, let’s break this down: Hugo Chavez took credit for getting the hikers released through state-owned Venezuelan media. Sean Penn went to see Hugo Chavez a few months earlier. Ergo, Sean Penn played a role in the hikers’ release. Because, after two years and a full court trial including conviction on espionage charges, “Hugo Chavez says that Sean Penn says that he vouches for these dudes and that they’re cool” was what finally got them realized.

I… I can’t tell if that story is retarded or the world is.

(*graciously accepts Oscar for ‘Lamest Pun Headline’*) Oh thank you, thank you, no, no, please, you’re too kind. Anyway, as you may have guessed, this is the first official trailer for This Must Be the Place, starring Sean Penn as an aging, Robert Smith-esque rock star who sets out to find the Nazi who tortured his father. It looks eerily similar to Frotcast Brendan’s idea for a film about a superhero who just goes around to nursing homes smothering super-old Nazis with a pillow. Only in Penn’s case in this movie, I’m assuming he plans to just talk to them in that creepy baby voice until they blow their brains out.

Battle Los Angeles director Jonathan Liebesman is doing a Julius Caesar movie for WB. Reports say the pitch for the Patton-esque story, being written by Chris Boal (his brother, Mark wrote The Hurt Locker), “came with some of the action scenes choreographed.”  Proving once again that it’s impossible to impress a Hollywood studio exec without making explosion sounds with your mouth. SKUZHH! PHZZZ! WHOOOOSH! |Deadline|

Paul Rudd set to star in an Errol Morris film based on an Ira Glass story. The beloved actor joins the acclaimed documentarian for a narrative feature about TV repairman and cryonics pioneer Robert Nelson, based on a segment from Glass’s This American Life called You’re As Cold As Ice. Rudd. Morris. Glass. Together. Quick, someone find some vegan, non-soy smelling salts, I think Zooey Deschanel just fainted into her iced Chai. Dammit, the cardamom is hell on a ukulele finish. |/Film|

Dark Knight writer David Goyer to write Godzilla reboot. The Legendary Pictures project is set to be directed by Monsters director Gareth Edwards, and I’m sure it will be really good, not like all those other times Hollywood tried to make a Godzilla movie every five years.  |ScreenJunkies|

Finally, and this is neither here nor there, but an Austrian Atheist was allowed to wear a colander on his head in his driver’s license photo, after he claimed the “religious headgear” was an important tenet of his religion, “Pastafarianism.” Actual BBC page description: “Austria embraces pasta headgear.” |BBC|

In This Must be the Place, Sean Penn plays a creepy, possibly-retarded aging rock singer who talks in a baby voice (see trailer below), who sets out to find the ex-Nazi who tortured his father (seriously).  Now, one thing I never wanted to see in this life was Sean Penn dressed like a hippie cat lady making a sad Bambi face at me, but what this poster presupposes is… maybe I did?  Aaaand… Nope. I’ve thought about it again, and I was definitely right the first time.  So sad.  It seems like only yesterday he was partying with David Lee Roth and the Beastie Boys.

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The New York Post reports that Sean Penn has signed on to direct The Comedian, a script co-written by Art Linson and Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross, with Robert Deniro attached to star.  Tweeted Ross, “My film degree might pay off yet.” The project would be Ross’s first.  If it does well, you can expect him to recycle it six times for different award shows. OH! I kid, I kid.  Seriously though, tip your waiters, Donald Trump’s hair, try the veal.

Sean Penn will come aboard to direct “The Comedian” starring Robert De Niro, according to sources. The film was written by Art Linson and Jeffrey Ross and follows De Niro as an aging, bitterly funny stand-up comic. It will go into production in New York next year. Penn’s last directorial effort was the 2007 Jon Krakauer adaptation, “Into the Wild.” Reports from Cannes had erroneously said Martin Scorsese would direct “The Comedian.” [NYPost]

Deniro famously played aspiring comedian Rupert Pupkin in Scorcese’s 1982 film, King of Comedy, though all remember about that is him saying “Rupert Pupkin” about 16 thousand times and the secretary who never wore a bra.  Anyway, this sounds like a perfect pairing, because if anyone knows comedy, it’s Sean Penn.  As long as you don’t do anything insane, like imply that Jude Law is in a lot of movies at the Oscars.  Barrel of laughs, that guy.  Never without a smile on his face.

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Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life plays Cannes in just a few days, and opens in limited release in the US May 27th. Although I was already sold when I found out there’d be velociraptors in it, the studio still saw fit to release this latest clip, which you can watch below. In this scene, Brad Pitt’s character teaches his son to box, which he of course learned to do while researching his award-winning roles in Snatch, Fight Club, Meet Joe Black, and The Pacifier.  Try as Brad might to toughen the kid up, he still grows up to be Sean Penn.
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