The fine hombres at Latino Review have scored a review of Quentin Tarantino’s script for Inglorious Bastards, his homage to the Dirty Dozen and, I assume, Guns of Naverone. The following is a monologue from the script. Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs are two of my favorite movies, but I’d have to be dead, retarded, or Harry from AICN not to make fun of this. It displays a grasp of grammar and spelling normally reserved for 12-year-old girls on MySpace. In fact, I can only assume the original was written in crayon. I especially like how he drops commas in at random intervals to keep you on your toes. Enjoy:
My name is Lt. Aldo Raine, and I’m putting together a special team. And I need me eight soldiers. Eight – Jewish – American – Soldiers. Now y’all might have heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we’ll be leavin a little earlier. We’re gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we’re in enemy territory, as a bushwackin’ guerilla army, we’re gonna be doin one thing, and thing only [sic], Killin Nazi’s [sic]. The members of the Nationalist Socialist Party, have conquered Europe through murder, torture, intimidation, and terror. And that’s exactly what we’re gonna do to them. Now I don’t know about y’all. But I sure as hell, didn’t come down from the goddamn smoky mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half Sicily, and then jump out of a fuckin air-o-plane, to teach the Nazi’s [sic] lessons in humanity. Nazi ain’t got no humanity. There [sic] the foot soldiers of a Jew hatin, mass murderin manic [sic], and they need to be destroyed. That’s why any and every son-of-a-bitch we find wearin a Nazi uniform, there [sic... oh fuck it] gonna die. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty, they will know who we are. They will find the evidence of our cruelty, in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German will not be able to help themselves from imagining the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heals, and the edge of our knives. And the Germans, will be sickened by us. And the Germans, will talk about us. And the Germans, will fear us. And when the Germans close their eyes at night, and their subconscious tortures them for the evil they’ve done, it will be with thoughts of us, that it tortures them with. But I got a word of warning to all would be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me, personally. Every man under my command, owes me, one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y’all will git me, one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred Nazi’s or you will die trying. -Lt. Aldo Raine aka Aldo the Apache
Dear Quentin, for the love of God, lay off the nose candy. Also: when’s the last time you heard a Jew use the word “y’all”?
Oh, and I confirmed with the writer from LR that the typos are indeed Quentin’s. They’ve also got some more info on the movie, go there to check it out.
Apparently, Paramount Vantage’s Oscar site gives you access to the full scripts for A Mighty Heart, Into the Wild, Margot at the Wedding, The Kite Runner and There Will be Blood, the last two of which haven’t even been released (Joe Carnahan had earlier posted the scripts for White Jazz and Killing Pablo but has since removed them.)
But yeah, if I wanted to read, I’d buy a graphic novel. I think I’ll wait for the movie. [RoS]
PS – Anyone else think Daniel Day Lewis looks like he’s made of plastic in the There Will Be Blood Poster? Must’ve used Billy Bob Thornton’s makeup guy.
The following is a final note from Allan Weisbecker. Though this seems to sum up his feelings equally well:
A Final Note From Weisbecker
Since I fired all my agents and lawyers and editors (and would have fired the above interviewer, had he been working for me) and have otherwise alienated most of the studio executives and producers and movie stars and coverage writers, plus publishers, on planet earth (add Bob Woodward to the list), but would still like to see the adaptations of my books (the adaptations I wrote) produced, I’m providing links to the screenplays. My (faint, faint) hope is that there is a Hollywoodite somewhere out there with no cranial/posterior disorder, and who will actually read (as opposed to look at) the fucking things.
CLICK ON THE THUMBNAIL TO READ THE SCREENPLAY. DOUCHEBAG.
Although the screenplays are owned by third parties, based on the extensive research I’ve done my theory is that it’s entirely possible that these third parties would not notice if someone else produced them. It might just slip by under whatever radar, so to speak (an in-joke), they may have. If this sounds iffy from a legal or ethical standpoint, the other alternative would be to buy the rights from the third parties. However, still another catch-22 rears here: If a movie then gets made and it’s a hit, the third party will look foolish (for having sold the rights). Since the real job of the third parties involved is the avoidance of looking foolish (or cultivating and maintaining the denial that they in fact look foolish), a sale of the rights is unlikely.
See what I mean?
In the case of my Cosmic Banditos adaptation: I’ve been waiting for someone to read it for about eight months now, and would appreciate some feedback. It might be a fun exercise: Pretend you coughed up a bunch of money to the screenwriter (me) and fire away with “notes” on how he should approach the revisions. (On the other hand, maybe it doesn’t need any fucking revisions. Maybe it’s just fucking right the way it is. Know what I mean?)
EMAIL YOUR NOTES TO ALLAN@BANDITOBOOKS.COM
The other possibility is that if you’re a buddy of John Cusack, you could forward the screenplay to him, then, if all goes well, demand an executive producer credit and a back end piece. (My advice is to tie it to the box office gross as reported in Variety, which is a concept I concocted for my contract; “net points” are of course a howler of the first order.)
The Zero screenplay is iffy in terms of your getting an executive producer credit (by forwarding it to the producer), since in our last communication the producer (Sean Penn) wished me death, or to quote him verbatim, “something that resembles death.” (I’ve pondered the question of what could possibly resemble death, aside from the Big D itself, but have come up empty.) In other words, the whole Zero deal is a sore point with Sean: even mentioning it to him could result in your getting your lights punched out.
One last thing. It occurs to me that in the above interview there’s one person I did not completely alienate: Michael Mann. (Just kidding about the dick-size issue, Michael!) If anyone out there knows Michael, maybe suggest that Foreign Policy is a movie whose time is ripe. An exec producership looms!
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