I’ve never been a fan of fake white hair on short Latin girls or skanky pornstar makeup or fake boobs that only look good after pregnancy, but I know Christina Aguilera has her fans so this story’s for them.  She’s soon to be making her acting debut in a role as a “burlesque dancer,” which I guess is like a stripper who can read.

Burlesque, for Screen Gems, casts the singer as an ambitious smalltown girl with a big voice who finds love, family and success in a Los Angeles neo-burlesque club. Steven Antin will direct from his own script. [EmpireMovies]

I understand finding love and success, but how do you find family at a strip club?  Just because I ask to call you “mama” doesn’t make it so.

…Does it?

Here’s a rundown of some of today’s “other” stories

• Everyone’s reporting that Will and Jaden Smith‘s Karate Kid remake will be called Kung Fu Kid, even though this news is old as hell.  And anyway, it seems like something you’d infer based on the film starring Jackie Chan and being shot in China.  Meanwhile, I’m writing a script in which Joe Son plays the Miyagi character.  I call it Gun Rape Kid. [3newsNewZealand]
• New Star Trek poster, same lame, generic tagline (“The Future Begins”). [Below]
• Emma Stone is a slut. Bong.  And by that I mean she’s signed up for Easy A, a reimagining of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter set in high school.  Too bad it’s being shot by Screen Gems, which means it’s either (A) going straight to DVD or (B) involves vampires, aliens, zombies, or vampire alien zombies. [Variety]
• Richard Linklater is trying to find a distributor for his “spiritual sequel” to Dazed and Confused. Says Linklater, “It’s tough. It’s not a tentpole, sequel, remake, or over-the-top comedy. The studios have kind of admitted they’re not in the business of doing anything else. The slightest level of irony or intelligence and, boom, you’re done.”  A Fox exec responded “Haha, ‘Fah-Q’ – I just got that,” and tripped over the curb.  [EW]
• This is a supposedly hilarious script called Balls Out which the writers, who call themselves The Robotard 8000, claim their agents refused to send out, so they’ve posted it online.  I’m gonna read it while I poop.[Robotard8000 (via cinematical)]
• Some talk show host no one’s heard of insulted Canada and Canadians are all pissed and indignant, especially about all the famous comedians who everyone forgets are from Canada.  Wait, you want us to thank you for Mike Myers now? [NationalPost]

Now this is going to be an F’d up movie.  Tracy Morgan, Martin Lawrence, Chris Rock, Danny Glover, and the guy from Step Brothers Stomp the Yard, have all signed on for the remake of Death at a Funeral.

Neil LaBute is directing the Screen Gems release in which a funeral turns into a debacle of misplaced cadavers and family secrets. When things can’t get any worse, a man arrives saying he’s the dead man’s gay lover and threatens blackmail. [THR]

Keep in mind, Neil LaBute (also a theater director of some renown) directed the Nic Cage remake of Wicker Man, and Screen Gems is the most awesomely sh-tty production company in Hollywood (if it has zombies or lesbian mutant ninjas in it, chances are it was a Screen Gems joint).  Also, the original Death at a Funeral came out in 2007 and is British (I saw it, it’s okay), so it’s not like it needed to be updated or translated.  Think about it: the guy who conceived of Wicker Man un-ironically, translating a film that didn’t need to be translated, to a terrible production company’s conception of what “the urban audience” consists of.  I. Cannot. Wait. I’m hoping they change the name to, “Yo, Dawg, Who be Dat Faggot Inda Coffin?”

This trailer for Quarantine is brought to you by America’s favorite breakfast cereal, Post Apocalypse – now made with 100% recycled material!

I’m convinced Screen Gems is run by a group of 13-year-olds who met at a Disturbed concert.  Or possibly those guys from Tapout.

This is the trailer for Prom Night (a remake of the 1980 movie of the same name), which was made by Screen Gems so you know it’s gonna be really good.

Tagline: If you don’t come home by midnight…YOU WON’T COME HOME AT ALL

Rejected taglines: If you leave the house looking like that, I’LL DISOWN YOU LIKE YOUR GAY BROTHER!  That’s a nice tattoo, honey, IF YOU WANNA GET YOUR ASS BEAT IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS!

Anyway, judging by the trailer, it looks like a killer terrorizes the cast of High School Musical.  Who am I supposed to root for again?  I don’t know if I’ll see it, but I’m headed straight to iTunes to download that emo cover of "Time After Time".