Get out your clippers, it's sideways brohawk time

I wasn’t able to attend SXSW because one of my stupid friends got married like an idiot, but virtually everyone I heard from who saw Attack the Block, the Edgar Wright-produced tale of an alien invasion striking a South London housing project, said it it was the movie of the festival.  At the time, it didn’t have a distributor, and there was even talk of possibly adding subtitles to make the British slang and accents more comprehensible to American viewers.  (Also, can you make them look fatter in post?  Otherwise I fear people will be confused.).

If you know anything about headline-question-mark etiquette, you already know we don’t have an answer to the subtitle question, but we do know that Screen Gems will handle theatrical distribution.

Sony announced today that they have picked up the film and that Screen Gems will distribute it; there’s no release date yet in place, but it sure seems like a good late-summer offering to me. Here’s what Screen Gems president Clint Culpepper had to say about the film: “Steve Bersch screened this film for me and I fell completely in love with it. The film is, at once, charming, scary, funny, hip, clever and completely hits its mark. I hope this is the beginning of a long relationship with these incredibly talented filmmakers.” [CinemaBlend]

It seems the sideways brohawk rally helmet I’ve been wearing has worked.  And I should hope we won’t be needing subtitles. I understood everything in the trailer fine.  I mean, it’s not like they’re speaking Scottish.  I would, however, welcome seeing an American film translated into Cockney gibberish.  “Oi, da puntah’s quaffed da wicket, ‘e ‘as!  Fetch da bobby’s knickaz, blokes, we’s snoggin’ lorrie crisps tonoight!”

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Jamie Foxx and Martin Lawrence made the above trailer, Skank Robbers, featuring their characters Sheneneh and Wanda, as a bit for the BET awards.  Audience reaction was said to be huge, and I imagine a lot of black women got out of their seats and pumped their fists and screamed because that’s what black women do at stand up shows.  They’re the best audience, easily.  Anyway, they’re going to make the fake trailer into a movie (a la Machete) for Screen Gems, because Screen Gems is basically Fox on a smaller scale.

Foxx will write the script for “Sheneneh and Wanda”, and he and Martin will produce together through Foxx’s Foxxhole and Lawrence’s Runteldat production banners.  In the comedy, Sheneneh and Wanda are modern day independent women trying to make it on their own, one bank robbery at a time. [Variety]

As a sketch it’s a decent concept — “I know the baby’s Chris Brown’s ’cause it keep tryin’ to kick me” — but can you really stretch a few one liners and funny makeup into an entire movie?  Who do they think they are, the Wayans brothers?  Also, when I was researching this, I started to type “Sheneneh and Wanda” into Google, and it suggested “Sheneneh and Wanda Sykes.”  Which means either Google is racist, or someone’s already gotten a head start on writing the next BET Awards parody trailer.

This is the red-band trailer for Legion, starring Paul Bettany, Charles S. Dutton (who has actually killed a man), Dennis Quaid, and Adrienne Palicki.  It was directed by Scott Stewart, co-founder of the FX company The Orphanage, which has an amazingly solid track record.  It opens looking pretty cool, but then it flashes the Screen Gems logo and I’m like, “Uh oh,” because most Screen Gems movie are old smelly ox cock.  But if I’m honest, I have to admit I almost pissed myself in terror a couple times during this.  Towards the end, an old lady comes in Roc’s restaurant and she’s all like, “Your baby’s gonna burn,” and everyone’s like, “What?” and then OH MY GOD SHE BIT THAT GUY ON THE NECK KILL IT WITH FIRE KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

After God loses faith in humanity, the archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) is the only one standing between mankind and the apocalypse. He leads a group of strangers who must protect a woman who is pregnant with Christ in his second coming.

It’s post apocalyptic… because God hates you. Nice. I like the twist. And it’s been a long time since a trailer ripped my face off and effed the nostril hole like this one.  Legion, rated P for pants sh*tting.

[via /Film]

From the director of the flipper-handed remake of Prom Night comes another remake, of The Stepfather.  It stars not Steve Gutenberg and Penn “I swear my parents gave me this gay-ass name” Badgley in film about oh Christ if you can’t already predict the entire plot the only thing you should be doing on the internet is buying a drool catcher.  Was this plot really that complicated that it had to be a remake?  “What if your stepdad… was evil?”  THAT’S THE ENTIRE MOVIE.  My only hope is that this is all a ruse to sell popcorn that makes you sterile.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the most unnecessary horror film remake?

(So.  This where the high school chicks hang out?)

I’ve identified two kisses of death for prospective movies – Cam Gigandet and Screen Gems – and this project has both of them.  Plus vampires.

Cam Gigandet will star opposite Paul Bettany in “Priest,” a horror Western that Scott Stewart is directing for Screen Gems.  Adapted by Cory Goodman from a TokyoPop comic book, “Priest” is set in a world ravaged by centuries of war between man and vampires and follows a warrior priest (Bettany) who turns against the church to track down a murderous band of vampires who have kidnapped his niece. Gigandet plays a young wasteland sheriff who is part vampire. He partners with Bettany to save the girl he loves, the niece. That latter part has yet to be cast.

Let’s review:

• Cam Gigandet
• Vampires
• Comic book adaptation
• Kidnapping plot
• Half-breed vampire

Whoever thought this was a good idea must’ve been reading Bizarro FilmDrunk.  Oh, but wait, we haven’t gotten to my favorite paragraph:

Gigandet, repped by WME Entertainment, is filming Screen Gems’ thriller “The Roommate” with Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly. The actor is coming off of winning an MTV Movie Award for best fight, awarded for his work in “Twilight.” Gigandet won the award the previous year for “Never Back Down,” making him the only actor to win it in back-to-back years. [THR]

Damn, two “Best Fight” awards in a row?  Cam Gigandet makes Sir Lawrence Olivier look like a peepshow janitor.