It’s always nice to hear an outsider’s perspective on things you take for granted — case in point, Tommy Edison here, the Blind Film Critic.  The poor bastard was born without the ability to appreciate the beauty of one of Lights Camera Jackson‘s Hawaiian shirts, but that doesn’t keep him from going to movies.  Edison recently took in a screening of Scream 4, which he didn’t seem to like much, which isn’t that surprising because it sucks.  You don’t need functioning eyes to hear Anthony Anderson shout “DAMN!”, unfortunately.

“This movie’s great, there are segments four or five minutes long, where no one’s saying anything, it’s just music, sound effects, screaming…  There are giant holes in this plot!  How do you have a movie where no one says a word??  One of the most difficult movies for me to follow.”

You think anyone has told him that the title is actually “Scre4m?”  That would probably blow his mind.

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Reference Reference Reference Reference (*Fart*)

Scre4m is like a thousand amateur Freudians queefing in an echo chamber and then discussing it for the next hour.  It is an amazing combination of ambitious, pretentious, narcissistic, and idiotic.  It is a remedial-English class slam poem. This is a film in which each character can demonstrate familiarity every horror film franchise and plot cliché of the last 60 years, yet seem totally unaware when they’re actually executing one.  It is a film shamelessly aspiring to meta post-modernism in which Anthony Anderson plays a sassy black deputy who exclaims “DAMN!” unironically.  It is boring, pointless, obnoxious, and terrible.  Oh, and one scene involves, I kid you not, DUELING WEBCAMS.

The film begins with about six cutesy false openings in a row, always beginning with the iconic (I guess…) scene where two girls are in a house, and one of them gets a call from Ghostface.  You know the drill: she thinks it’s just a joke at first, but then it’s not and she gets killed, only really she doesn’t, because then the camera pulls back and it turns out the previous false opening was actually just a horror movie on TV, which two new girls were watching.  Then the two new girls talk about how horror movies are stupid (WINK WINK, AUDIENCE!), and the process begins anew.  This continues until it’s finally not a winky inside joke anymore and the movie can actually start.  DESENSITIZING THE AUDIENCE TO YOUR OWN ARTIFICE BEFORE THE STORY EVEN BEGINS, WHAT A BRILLIANT STRATEGY!

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The new trailer for Scre4m is out, and hoo boy, is it Scream-y. Like its predecessors (which, if my memory serves me, were titled Scream, 2 Scream 2 Screamious, and Scr3am), it features heaping spoonfuls of scary phone calls, hypermeta horror film references, doofy Keystone cops, and hot chicks getting chased around and stabbed in or around the boobs. It’s like a Scream madlib.

A few additional thoughts:

- Holy crap, a Seth Cohen sighting. Remember when Adam Brody was being touted as some sort of rising rom-com star? Yeah… not so much. Times have been tough for the kids from “The O.C.” Ben McKenzie (Ryan) is on “Southland” on TNT, which is supposedly good, but not widely watched. Mischa Barton (Marissa) disappeared off the face of the Earth. And my precious Rachel Bilson hasn’t done much of anything since Jumper. That last one is a travesty. New plan, Hollywood: less Katherine Heigl, more Rachel Bilson. Chop chop.

- I bet if you told Neve Campbell after Scream that 15 years later she’d still be starring in the sequels, she would have laughed and had her people escort you out of the building. Although that would have been an incredibly weird thing to do on your part. Unless you’re some sort of future-seeing witch. In which case, you know… (*puts on sham trial, finds you guilty, burns you alive*)

- Uproxx fan favorite Alison Brie is in the movie. If I understand the terms of my contract properly, I am required to post a GIF of her whenever she is brought up. I have complied with this requirement in the sexiest way possible.

Trailer and Briesy GIF after the jump
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Well, folks, it’s come down to this.  I’ve been training all year, squeezing stress balls and doing forearm curls to the beat of Eye of the Tiger, and finally it’s tonight.  The Scream Awards on Spike.  The Super Bowl of Dismissive Wanks. In between finding out which studios paid Spike the most money and Olivia Munn shooting pyrotechnics out of her cooter, we’ll get to see the new trailer for Scream 4, which is apparently still  Scre4m.  In the trailer, new Scream expository dialogue guys Rory Culkin and Erik Knudsen explain to us the rules of the modern horror movie, which are themselves a parody of old horror movie rules, which the original Scream parodied.  The new movie, which is itself a parody, promises to parody those new rules, which are themselves parodies, as well as being a worthy parody of the original Scream, which was of course a parody. (*BRAAAAAAAAAHM*)  Sorry, that wasn’t the Inception foghorn of meta-ness, I just farted.

It stars David Arquette, Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, Alison Brie, Adam Brody, Kristen Bell, Anna Paquin, and a bunch of other people.  Is one of them Anthony Anderson?  You god d*mned well better believe one of them is motherf*cking Anthony Anderson. I cannot wait for Scre4m, which I will carefully pronounce, “Scree-forum”.

[via JoBlo]

I’ve got lots of stories from this weekend to cover, but I’ll be damned if I spend all week playing catch up. So here are some of the headlines:

The Scream Awards happened. (Dammit, Aronofsky, not again! Quick, get the hose!) Last night, Blake Lively presented her Green Lantern co-star Ryan Reynolds the award for “Most Anticipated Movie,” Hollywood’s most coveted award, as decided by the president of show business.  I guess those Oscars are looking pretty stupid now, eh, Streep?  They also revealed the first photo of the power battery from Green Lantern, about which I know nothing, but gather may be of interest to huge dorks.  Also, they showed a trailer for Scream 4 which you can watch below.  It’s at least as fascinating as that sounds.  Oh, and it may still be titled “Scre4m.”  Airing Tuesday, the show promises to be Spike’s most important work since Blue Mountain State. [ComingSoon]

Mel Gibson has a cameo in The Hangover 2.  Gibson will play a tattoo artist in the film, which is set in Thailand.  By now, it’s a tired cliché that every broad comedy has to have a cameo from a big star in the middle, but give Todd Philips credit for at least having the balls to have his be Mel Gibson. Ten bucks says the studio was pushing for Betty White as Galifianakis’ wacky grandma. |WWTDD|

Angelina Jolie’s rape movie got its permit back.  Bosnia originally denied Jolie a permit to film there after it was rumored that the film was about a Bosnian woman who falls in love with her rapist, a Serbian soldier.  Jolie has since been given permission to shoot there, which presumably means the culture minister read the script and the rumors were wrong, although it is suspicious that he’s recently been seen gallivanting around town with a new blade on his plow.   [Yahoo]

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