Hold on to your tin foil hats and put some microscopic seatbelts on your thetans, because a new whistleblower is telling some tall tales about Tom Cruise and the church of Scientology. Valeska Paris claims that she was kept both as a prisoner and slave for 12 years by the church on its cruise ship, Freewinds, as part of the organization’s “Sea Org.” According to the Village Voice…

… she joined Scientology’s hardcore Sea Organization — signing its standard billion-year contract — at only 14 years of age. Three years later, after her stepfather committed suicide and her mother denounced Scientology on French television, Paris was ordered to “disconnect” from her family. She says that church leader David Miscavige then enforced that disconnection by having her put on the cruise ship, the Freewinds, that sails the Caribbean and caters to high-level church members.

Paris finally left in 2007 and first told her story to another Scientology defector last year, but this is the first time that she’s really speaking out publicly and sticking it to the controversial church. The Village Voice got a hold of her the other day for an interview, and not only does she spill the celestial beans on the crazy behind-the-scenes workings of Scientology, but she also points a crooked, glowing finger at Cruise.

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Okay, so the bad news is that this story is about Tom Cruise.  The good news is that it involves a sci-fi project that isn’t a sequel or a remake.  Joseph Kosinski’s first feature was Tron Legacy for Disney. He had another project called Horizon set up there, but Disney wouldn’t do it unless it was PG rather than PG-13.  Now, Variety reports that Universal is close to picking it up with Tom Cruise still attached to star.

Story takes place in an apocalyptic future where most of the population lives in clouds above an earth surface that is now uninhabitable. An earthbound soldier, repairing drones that patrol and blast a savage alien life form, encounters a beautiful woman who crashed in a craft that forces him to question his world view. [Variety]

Just one question about this barren wasteland, mysterious beautiful plane crash lady: will there be gays in there?  Anyway, while I’m no fan of Tom Cruise, I must admit that he does do his best work in sci-fi (Minority Report).  Especially if it’s set in some futuristic space society which has evolved beyond the point of recognizable human feelings and emotions. That seems to be Scientology’s end game.

[picture source: Radar]

Okay, I admit it, that headline was needlessly provocative.  It’s just that, when you have the chance to write “rich, bisexual heiress” in a headline, you take it, unless you’re allergic to cash money. And as you can see by this bedazzled sweater with a dollar sign hot glued on it in rhinestones, I AIN’T, SON.

The heiress in question is Megan Ellison, 25-year-old daughter of Oracle boss Larry.  (A Gawker piece on her in 2007 said her Myspace status was listed as “bi”, which is more than enough to fill my mind’s eye with gratuitous scissoring). Now she’s into movie producing, and according to Vulture, she wants to step in and finance There Will Be Blood director Paul Thomas Anderson’s planned Scientology allegory, The Master.

We’re told that Ellison is also in negotiations to co-finance Anderson’s untitled religious drama, based on an original script about a disaffected disciple’s relationship with the founder of a new spiritual movement called the Cause — a not-so-thinly-veiled stand-in for Scientology — that examines the human need to believe in a Creator.

Anderson had been forced to shelve Master last September after Universal Pictures balked at its $35 million price tag; as a consequence of the delay, the film lost Jeremy Renner, who’d been attached to play the part of Freddie Sutton, an alcoholic acolyte of the Cause‘s founder who was to be played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Insiders say Renner, who’s buried in offers since his Oscar-nominated turn in Ben Affleck’s The Town, is no longer attached, but we’re told Hoffman is still keenly interested in doing the picture.

That’s right, Universal, a company that’s spending $200 million on a movie about battleships that fight aliens, based on a board game and starring Rihanna, wouldn’t spend $35 million on a movie from a five-time Oscar-nominated director, an Oscar-winning actor, and another two-time Oscar-nominated actor.  Maybe I’m weird, but to me that seems way more embarrassing than being a party lesbian on Myspace.

Kindly prepare your anus.

Resting on the mahogany credenza next to my Ira Glass commemorative fart decanter (What, am I supposed to stick my head between my legs like some sort of philistine?) is the current issue of The New Yorker, featuring a twenty-five thousand word exposé on Paul Haggis’ decision to leave the Church of Scientology. Best known as the only screenwriter to ever win back-to-back Best Picture Oscars, for 2003′s Million Dollar Baby and 2004′s Crash (guhhh), Haggis was also one of the Church’s more prominent…parishioners? What do they even call themselves? Seamen? I prefer Seamen. Wait.

Anyway, Haggis says that after 34 years of allegiance to Admiral Ascot up there, he felt compelled to resign when the Church tacitly endorsed California’s Proposition 8, which defined marriage as between a man and a woman, but I like to think the decision came after witnessing one too many dinner parties like the one ruggedly described by Josh Brolin, who was also interviewed for the article:

Brolin says that he once witnessed John Travolta practicing Scientology. Brolin was at a dinner party in Los Angeles with Travolta and Marlon Brando. Brando arrived with a cut on his leg, and explained that he had injured himself while helping a stranded motorist on the Pacific Coast Highway. He was in pain. Travolta offered to help, saying that he had just reached a new level in Scientology. Travolta touched Brando’s leg and Brando closed his eyes. “I watched this process going on—it was very physical,” Brolin recalls. “I was thinking, This is really f-cking bizarre! Then, after ten minutes, Brando opens his eyes and says, ‘That really helped. I actually feel different!’ ” [New Yorker]

Vigorous once more, Brando then ate 400 deviled eggs and took a swing at Jenna Elfman. All-in-all a fairly normal evening for all parties involved. Praise Xenu!

So according to this new Scientology commercial, Scientology is… shiny cars, kids on trampolines, true love, music, touchdowns, and chocolate. (couple more commercials after the jump) [via THRfeed]

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• 10 must-see Michael Jackson impersonators. Michael Jackson grabbed his crotch so often, it’s almost as if we lost a fellow Italian. |HailMaryJane|
• “If internet commenters had a magazine.” |HolyTaco|
• Michael Jackson in his prime, “Thriller” live from 1987. As you can see, video editing was also in its prime. |Buzzcuts|
• Andy Dick interviews Adam Carolla. |Atom|
• Before they were stars: Music stars’ high school yearbook photos. |YepYep|
• A College Humor Tribute to Michael Jackson.. |CollegeHumor|
• Smoking Section has a picture of Perez almost at the moment he was punched. Someone should make a .gif of that. And for the record, “punching people never solves anything” is only something people who aren’t good at punching say. |SmokingSection|
• Chad OchoCinco: “Losing Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson is as bad as 9/11.” |KissingSuzyKolber|
• Megan Fox offers $5,000 for information on the dork trying to hand her a flower so she can apologize. |DailyFill|
• Fight Night Round 4 preview. |G4|
• The cool thing about acid is that it makes everything fun, even sitting in your tent saying “Boom boom boom boom.”  |BoH|

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