Only an idiot would expect a fifth Die Hard movie directed by the guy who did Max Payne and Flight of the Phoenix to be any good, but it’s still impressive the degree to which it’s been able to limbo under even the lowest of low expectations. And you need only read reviews for 5 Fast 5 Furious or The Last Stand to see how willing critics are to praise a film just for fulfilling the basement-level expectations set by their own marketing. While only seven reviews are in so far (and I made Laremy a deal where I’d have to see this if he’d see Inside the Mind of Charles Swan, so look forward to that), A Good Day to Die Hard is currently pitching a perfect Bucky Larson. For the uninitiated, that’s like a knuckleball that no one can hit because it’s so sucky.

Everything that made the first “Die Hard” memorable — the nuances of character, the political subtext, the cowboy wit — has been dumbed down or scrubbed away entirely. -AO Scott, NY Times

Loud and tedious, “Die Hard” 5 is a shaky-cam/Sensurround blast of bullets and bombs, digital explosions and death defying feats of defying death. Not a decent villain or catchphrase in it  -Roger Moore, McClatchy

Hired hack John Moore taps into the McClane mythology to drain any lingering humanity from the Die Hard series. -John Semley, Slant

A complete waste of time on every level. Loud, obnoxious, boring, cartoonish, morally reprehensible, and just plain stupid. -Brian Tallerico, HollywoodChicago

An asinine, immobile feature that’s dripping with trendy cinematography and toxic banter, while a visibly bored Bruce Willis hobbles through this dud, putting in the least amount of effort possible. -Brian Orndorf, Blu-Ray.com

There’s no artistry to Moore’s work, he’s simply a factory employee who knows how to work a punch press, and his take on the world of “Die Hard” is dispiriting and borderline offensive. -Brian Orndorf, Blu-Ray.com

I can’t decide which scenario is more exciting, Die Hard maintaining its perfect zero percent rating, or reading the barely-perceptible praise from the first critics to rate it “recommended.” On another note, I’m a little sad that so far, no one’s gone with the obvious New York Post-ready headline, “Ho Ho No.”

It didn’t take much more than this clip of gay hadouken fighting to convince me not to see The Last Airbender, but in case you were wondering, the critics hated it too (Josh Tyler of CinemaBlend is currently listed as the only “positive” review).  Normally, I’d give a movie like this my “plot-recreated-through-expository-review-quotes” treatment, but this thing’s so heavy on goofy plot, that would probably take 3,000 words.  Instead I crammed the exposition and analysis together, so we could all bask in the delicious hate.  Enjoy.

“The Last Airbender” is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.” - Roger Ebert

Not since Kyle MacLachlan’s whispered voice-overs about the worm and the spice and the worm IS the spice in “Dune” has a fantasy franchise tripped all over itself trying, simply, to please a fan base while creating a new one. -Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

It’s bad enough that this is one of those glossy CGI monstrosities, utterly divorced from anything resembling reality; transferred needlessly to 3-D, it’s just plain ugly.
The script is so incomprehensible, it’s often difficult to follow, despite several instances of characters stopping whatever they’re doing to explain what’s going on. -Christy Lemire, AP

M. Night Shyamalan’s retrofit produces the drabbest, darkest, dingiest movie of any sort I’ve seen in years. You know something is wrong when the screen is filled with flames that have the vibrancy of faded Polaroids. It’s a known fact that 3D causes a measurable decrease in perceived brightness, but “Airbender” looks like it was filmed with a dirty sheet over the lens. -Ebert again

Every time he meditates or is about to fight, the kid does a little Tae Kwan Do dance, a martial arts demonstration. -Orlando Sentinel

Also bizarre is the manner in which the warring parties fight. A fire bender, say, will toss a fireball at an earth bender, who will throw up a wall of dirt and block it. Meanwhile the fire bender will stand there and wait while the earth bender hits him with a rock or something. It’s using elements as rock-paper-scissors, but done by way of a sort of advanced form of martial arts. Why wait for your enemy? Why not just hit him in the head with a shovel while he’s standing there? -AZ Central

When he talks, he reminds you of the clumsy boy from the bad Star Wars movies. “Remember, your chi will warm you!” -Orlando Sentinel

As for the airbending talent that makes the kid so desirable: It’s kind of like having leaf-blowers shoot out of your hands. Useful for yard work, perhaps, but not a whole lot of fun. -Christy Lemire, AP

Another point is that Aang is raised in the Buddhist tradition, so he can harm no one. So for all the choreographed fights and CG action, this is the most bloodless PG movie one will ever see. If water crystals incapacitating warriors are your thing, than you’ll love these ice sculptures. -Hollywood Reporter

Let’s just be honest: M. Night Shyamalan is an idiot.  -Metromix

Mmmm, that’s some tasty hate.  M. Night took a lot of crap for casting white kids in the roles of characters who were Asian in the cartoons.  It sounds like he tried to compensate by making the film stock all dark and swarthy and ethnic.  Nice try, bro.
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(“Take me, you greasy ethnic beast!  Of course, if anyone finds out I’ll have to say it was rape.”)

Did anyone here think Twilight Saga: New Moon was going to be good?  Of course not.  The best thing you could say was that there’s less Cam Gigandet in this one.  But realistic expectations aren’t the point, the point is to bathe in the delicious, delicious hate.  Ahh, it feels so good in my gills.

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes the tepid achievement of “Twilight” (1988), guts it, and leaves it for undead [That's wordplay, motherf-cker!  Ebert represent! -Ed.]. You know you’re in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead.  Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.

Bella: So…you’re a werewolf?
Jake: Last time I checked.
Bella: “Can’t you find a way to…just stop?
Jake (patiently): “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella.” -Roger Ebert

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Hey, remember I Hate Valentine’s Day? How could you forget, it opened on three screens.  Here’s the trailer and my original description:

Nia Vardalos is back, writing, directing, and starring in the new romantic comedy I Hate Valentines Day, which promises to be the Citizen Kane of Kate Hudson turd ripoffs.  Vardalos plays a strong, sassy know-it-all New Yorker who doesn’t believe in love and sucks at acting.  The voice of TGI Friday’s plays Joe Regular, the average schlubnik trying in vain to win her heart by being adorably boring.   But after a few dates (*RECORD SCRATCH*) could it be SHE who’s falling for HE??  I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than find out!

Sounds great, right?  Sadly, as GordonandtheWhale discovered, it seems poor Nia has yet again become the victim of a vast sexist conspiracy.  Damn you, patriarchal society!  You just can’t stand to see a terrible actress succeed!

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Sweet Odin’s Raven! I don’t think a movie has ever been as universally reviled as the Love Guru.  The sheer volume and intensity of hatred is almost enough to feel sorry for Mike Myers.  But then I remembered how much more money he has than me.  And that “His Karma is Huge” poster.  And how people sometimes judge me just because I’m beautiful.  So fuck that guy.  Enjoy:

Myers has made some funny movies, but this film could have been written on toilet walls by callow adolescents. Every reference to a human sex organ or process of defecation is not automatically funny simply because it is naughty, but Myers seems to labor under that delusion. - Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times  

…a pitiful assortment of bad ideas and gags that never work. -Wesley Morris, Boston Globe [and keep in mind, this is the guy that liked The Comebacks, and raved over You Don’t Mess With the Zohan] 

A movie endlessly amused with its own stupidity — to the point where Myers actually laughs at his own jokes, and shots of other characters breaking character to giggle are left in, as though this were a “Carol Burnett Show” sketch — “The Love Guru” is a soul-draining waste of 90-plus minutes. –MSNBC 

Let’s not pussyfoot around: "The Love Guru" is an atrocious, idiotic 88 minutes of anti-entertainment. To borrow word-shtick from the guru Pitka, it’s AWFUL as in, "Anyone Watching Feels, Um, Loser-ish." –NYDailyNews 

Mike Myers is anti-comedy . . . that is, if one presumes comedy ought to be smart, new, surprising or, yes, funny. –Washington Post 

A whole new vocabulary seems to be required. To say that the movie is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. The word “unfunny” surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, “The Love Guru” is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again. -NYTimes 

But, uh… I hear he’s still nice to his dogs.