The Fast and the Furious was a film about a group of felonious street racers and the undercover police officer who was tasked with taking them down. Its sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious, followed a similar premise, but took us all to Miami and replaced Vin Diesel with Tyrese. Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift — which is one of the greatest titles of anything ever — changed the formula entirely, focusing on a dollar store version of Paul Walker as he navigated a dangerous Japanese high school with Bow Wow, presumably because whatever it was cool and how many movies have you made? Anyway, the whole gang came back for 2009′s Fast & Furious, which ended (Spoiler Alert) by having Vin Diesel drive his car through a goddamn mountain and crush the bad guy against another car. And the most recent film, Fast 5, added The Rock, and was set in Brazil, and at one point they ripped a bank vault out of a building and drove all over the place towing it behind them on a 30-foot long chain while every police officer in Rio chased after them.

My point here is that these movies are awesome and America is a great, strong nation.

The first commercial for the sixth film in the franchise, Fast and Furious 6, debuted during the Super Bowl. As UPROXX’s resident expert on the series, I feel it is my duty to walk you all through it. I hope you like tanks and exploding planes.

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Well this is amazing. After three movies, the Step Up franchise, or as I like to think of it, the house that C-Tates built, is still going strong. The latest installment (previously called Step Up 4Ever) just released a trailer. It’s called “Step Up: Revolution,” and I swear to you this is the actual tagline: “It’s not just a step, it’s a revolution!” Basically, the plot is that Miami’s hottest all-white dance crew is busy setting the town on fire with their unzipped hoodies and sex appeal. One day they go to where the minorities hang out in order to build up the street cred, and a wise old Cuban man is all like, “Mira, ju putos son pretty goo for gringos. Ju okay by me, mang. Here, let me teach ju the handchake of my people.”

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It’s official, everyone. I have a new favorite movie. Holy crap.

The jawdropping genius of the 2004 masterwork Karate Dog has been discussed around these parts before, as one of Vince’s “Forgotten Classics.” He hit many of the key points of the film in his examination of its trailer, but allow me to make you this promise: Any time a movie starring Simon Rex climaxes with a 70-year-old Academy Award-winning actor getting in a ninja/breakdance fight with a talking CGI dog, I will cover it with the breathless intensity of the Cuban Missile Crisis. It deserves AT LEAST that amount of respect.

Karate Dog is the tale of Cho Cho, a martial arts expert canine voiced by Chevy Chase. After his master and sensei (Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid, obvs) is killed by intruders, Cho Cho teams up with a computer nerd police detective (Simon Rex, obvs) to bring the corrupt businessman responsible for his murder to justice. In the process, Cho Cho helps play matchmaker between Simon Rex and Jaime Pressly, drives a convertible and a SWAT van, and hosts a raging dogs-only party at Rex’s apartment. If that paragraph doesn’t sell you on this movie, you should be disenfranchised.

The only downside I experienced in watching this movie is that I apparently forgot it existed and had been using Ninja Dog: The Dog Who Does Ninja! as my go-to, hilarious fake movie title. I obviously needed to scrap that to avoid looking like a two-bit, derivative hack. Luckily, I was hit with a bolt of inspiration over Thanksgiving and came up with a new one: Stunt Horse: The Horse That Does Stunts! (Sample dialogue: “Dammit Stunt Horse, I don’t care if the President has been kidnapped! I need you on set! WE GOTTA DO THIS STUNT!”)

So, yeah. Disaster averted. TO THE BREAKDOWN!

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The plot description in the Wikipedia entry for Stone Cold begins with this sentence:

Brian Bosworth stars as Joe Huff, a tough Alabama cop who is frustrated with a system that handles criminals with kid gloves.

Let me be clear about something: If you advertised a movie simply by putting up a plain white billboard with black writing that said, “A tough Alabama cop is frustrated with a system that handles criminals with kid gloves. Opens Friday,” I would immediately cancel all my plans for Friday and go see that movie. Provided, of course, that I don’t get so excited upon seeing the billboard that I veer right off the road and die in a fiery wreck. The only way a movie could be more squarely in my wheelhouse is if you managed to somehow work in the phrase “children who are ninjas.”

As I sat down to rewatch the movie this weekend, however, I realized I had already broken the whole thing down. You see, Stone Cold is nothing but Cobra and Cool as Ice whirred up in a blender on puree. You’ve got the smug, motorcycle-riding renegade with a horrible haircut (more on this later) and single earring a la Vanilla Ice in Cool as Ice, and the leather-wearing, badass cop trying to take down a violent motorcycle gang a la Sly Stallone in Cobra. For the love of God, the movie opens with the main character battling madmen with shotguns who are running wild in a supermarket, which is almost exactly how Cobra opens. The only difference is that there are three maniacs as opposed to one. What I’m getting at is this: everyone responsible for Stone Cold should be sued for copyright infringement. And being awesome. Because they are DEFINITELY guilty of that too, as you’ll see.

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The early 90s were a weird time. I’m fairly certain that if you boarded a plane to Los Angeles, took a bus to any studio lot, and screamed “I AM A RAPPER!” the top of your lungs, someone would have offered you a starring role in a TV show or movie (see Prince, Fresh, and Play, Kid ‘n). I theorize this because there’s really no other way to justify the fact that someone funded a movie starring Vanilla Ice, and Cool As Ice does, in fact, exist. While IMDB describes it as a “rap oriented re-make of Rebel Without a Cause,” at its heart Cool As Ice is more of a Dollar Tree version of Purple Rain. Like the Prince vehicle, approximately 70% of the movie features Vanilla Ice riding around on a motorcycle or delivering impromptu concerts. Unlike Purple Rain, at no point does it feature Morris Day dressed to the nines and ordering his henchman to chuck a lady into nearby dumpster. This is an unfortunate oversight.

The part of the film I’m breaking down comes from the other 30%, involving Vanilla Ice wooing and later rescuing a local, stuck-up girl named Kathy — specifically two short back-to-back scenes where he first starts to win her affection. Take note, fellas. It’s nothing if not a master class on courting. (Note: There are a few more slides than usual, but I promise we’ll make quick work of a bunch of them.)

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