"Oi, cont. D'ya loike dags?"

Oi, conts. It’s da Stafe ‘ere, innit. Whoilst it wiz fun muckin’ about wiff Sloy Stallone an dem ovva geezahs in Da Expendabews, da Stafe is in da proime of ‘is loife, an’ ‘e don’t roide shotgun in some ovva cont’s sazz wagon for very long, now does Oy. Roight. So Oy ‘as got a fiwm a me own once again, and dis toime, some cont is killin’ coppahs, donnit. Turns out, da cont ‘as been running ’round London offin’ coppahs left and roight, an’ da ovva conts is wew ‘elpless to stop ‘im coz dey’s too busy pushin’ penciws an’ playin’ boy da fockin rules, now isn’ dey. Meanswhoilst, Da Stafe is a loose fockin cannon, oo ‘as been kicked off da force for knobbin’ too many fit birds and doin’ flash stunts on BMX boicycles, donnit. But da fing about a loose cannon is, whoilst ‘e moight knob ya girlfriend when ya’s not lookin’, dere’s nuffin bettah for blowin’ a cont’s ‘ead off, now is dere.
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^{Pretty noice, innit.  Dat’s whoy Oy do free ‘undred bloody crunches a day now don’ Oy.}

Oi.  Oy’m Jason Stafam. Go see moy movie da Transpor’a Paht Free.  Heah’s some pictures from moy fock’n scrapbook.

Picture 1:  Awlroight yous cunts, backup cuz Oy’s takin’ moy shir’ off, an you don’ wanna be around when da guns come out now doesn’ dey.

Picture 2: Dis cunt’s pissed coz Oy’s shaggin dis fit bird.  Oi, oo d’ya fink da bird’s gonna loike, some cunt onna outsoide a da fock’n door, or Jason fock’n Stafam?  Fock’n is moy middle naime.

Picture 3: In dis one, Oy’s propa worried.  Oy’s finkin, “Oi, Stafam.  Did you do 800 pullups dis morning or only 799?  Oi, eivva way, you’s sure an ‘andsome cunt.”

Picture 4:  Oi, in dis one, Oy’s gonna deflect dis cunt’s knoife wif moy faice.  Won’ be da first toime Oy’s won a starin contest wiff a knoife.

Picture 5: In dis one, Oy’s bout ta give dis fit bird a knobbin onda hood a moy sazz wagon.  She looks loike she could use a good knobbin now don’ it.

Picture 6: In dis one, Oy’s troyin ta decoide whevva ta run ovva deez cunts in moy flash shoiny sazz wagon or taike me shir’ off an roide aroun’ on moy fock’n boicycle.

Picture 7: Now if dis don’ maike da bird’s moist den dey’s droy for loife now doesn’ dey.

Picture 8: Oi, fock off, ‘elmet! Oy’s fock’n Jason Stafam now don’ oy!  Oy can fock’n ponch an kick at the same toime!

[As a thanks to RopeofSilicon for these pictures, check out their feature on this year's Oscar race]

Oi, allo.  Oy’m fock’n Jason Stafam.  But yous probly already knew dat, didn’t ya?  Cunt.  Anywoay, Oy’s heah ta introduce da new TV spot fa moy new movie, da Transpor-uh paht Free.  As you praps already know, in dis film Oy droive round inna flash bloody sazz wagon, bloindin cunts wif how fock’n shoiny da bloody fing is.

Oi, but oy’ve also got more impor-un fings ta tell yous about, now don’ oy?  Look heah: keep da fock’n pets spayed an’ neu-uhd, will ya?  Oy mean for fock’s saike.  Loike, da ovva daiy, oy wuz out inna yahd doin fock’n push-ups, roight?  An’ long story shoht, Oy’s shaggin dis fit bird, when all ovva sudden Oy rolls ovva, an’ Oy squishiz inna big fock’n poile a bloody dog flop, innit.  An Oy’m finking, “Oi.  When did moy lawn turn into a fock’n poikey traila’, now don’ oy?”

So da moral of da story is dat dere’s too many fock’n bloody dogs muckin’ about, now don’ it?  Oi, so get it sore-id out before oy have ta taike moy fock’n shir’ off an’ staht buggerin’ cunts, ya heah?

Oi, ‘course oy’s jokin, moy shir’s already off.

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Oi, ‘allo.  Jason fock’n Stafam ‘ere again.  ‘Scuse me whoile oy put moy fock’n pants back on, now innit.  Roighto den. So dis is da new fock’n traila fa moy new fock’n movie, Da Traspor’a Paht Free.  In dis one, oy’s gonna droive roun’ punchin’ fock’n blokes an’ taggin’ birds, now isn’ oy? Cuz dat’s wha’ oy fock’n do, now don’ oy?  In between fock’n transpor’erin’ fings a course.

Righto den, yeah.  So den in dis one, some cheeky cunt ‘as put a fock’n bomb roun’ moy fock’n wrist, anne sez ‘e’s gonna set it off if oy go more den 75 fock’n feet from da fock’n car.  Oi, ‘sa good fockin’ fing ‘e ain’t set da fock’n bomb on moy shir’, now don’ it?  Cuz oy’s oilways a good fock’n ways away from moy shir’ now doesn’ oy?  Anyway, as oy was sayin, oy can’t go very far away from da fock’n car, else da cunt’ll blow me oll ta shite.  Luckily, dey done fought of everyfing, and not only do oy get ta droive a flash shoiny bloody sazz wagon, day done put a fit bird roight dere inna fock’n car wif me.  Moighty fock’n convenien a dem, oy fought.  Dat way after oy’s done beatin a piss out a cunts, oy can go roight back to da fock’n car, an’ ‘ere’s a fock’n bird roight fock’n ‘ere. Oy, ‘howz abou’ a shag den, swee’art?  Roighto den.  Long story fock’n shor’, go see moy fock’n movie, ya cunts, cuz ovvawoise oy’s gonna roide moy bloody fock’n BMX boicycle roight up your fock’n backside, now isn’ oy.  An’ den oy’s gonna do a fousand fock’n pushups.  Cunts.