Courtesy of Bloody-Disgusting, you’re looking at the new motion poster thingy for Saw 3D (“The traps come alive!”), aka Saw VII, aka Saw 7, Audience O, aka 5aw 5373n, aka 7 Saw 7 Furious. Well, hopefully that’s what you’re looking at and not just a blank screen. If you can’t see it… well, it’s pretty cool. Definitely the coolest thing ever to be associated with Saw. Get it? “Eye-popping 3D” because the eyeball is literally popping! You “can’t blink” because it ain’t got eyelids! And ’cause of all the microwave meth and Mountain Dew!  Boy, if that eye could only see the audience staring back at it. Just WWE shirts and Juggalo orgies as far as the eye can see, and no one under 400 pounds. Dig in, fatty, hope you like torture porn.

The poster designer was probably depressed to find that his Un Chien Andalou reference had been mostly lost on this crowd. Stupid liberal-arts education, what a waste of money.

Whoa, settle down, there’s no reason to bring jack handles into this…

It’s hard to believe that this fall will see the release of a seventh Saw movie.  These sh*tty movie franchises, they grow up so fast.  Today, the news hit that that title of the latest will be, I poop you not, “Saw 3D: The Traps Come Alive.” Eh, not bad.  As far as horror movie concepts go, I’d say that’s only a few rungs below “Gesundheit.”

Anyway, here are some of the titles they didn’t use.

• Saw VII: No Seriously, F*cking Seven
• Saw VII: Torture Everywhere Up in This Bitch
• Saw VII: 3-DEEEZ Nuts
• Saw VII: The Derpening
• 7 Saw 7 Furious
• Saw VII: F*cking 3D — How does it work?
• SEVEN! SEVEN SAW MOVIES! HA HA HA!
• Lucky Number Sawvin
• Saw VII: OOH WAH-AH AH AH!
• Saw VII: RIP Dimebag
• …And the Wal Mart of Doom
• Saw VII: Chromosomal Disorder Summit 2010
• Saw VII: Air Bud Spikes Back
• Thhhhhhhaw Thhhhhhheven: My Knee Ligamenthhhhh Are Loooooooooth, Starring Nick Ring
• Saw VII: I Keep the Jack Handle in the Front Seat, H8r F*ggots
• Saw VII: Because You Never Learned to Read
• Saw VII: P*SSY TUBING!
• Saw VII:  Live Free or Saw Hard
• Saw VII: No Vegetables
• Saw VII: You Can Just Bring Your Meth and Your Baby into the Theater
• 5aw 5373n

Aaaaaand I’m spent.  Thanks to Burnsy and the Frotcast crew for the help.

AW GOD D*MN IT UPDATE: Apparently it’s just called “Saw 3D” and “The Traps Come Alive” is just the tagline.

(“No, please, not a tribal tattoo!”)

Cockroaches and Saw movies, those will be the only things to survive if there’s a nuclear apocalypse.   Why?  Because Saw VII, that’s why.  They’ve already got the release date locked up (October 2010 – yep, one per year), and the plan is to make this installment 3D.

Twisted Pictures producer Mark Burg told the press next year’s entry is slightly more expensive and involves more pre-production. Why? Because it will be shot in 3-D with Saw V’s David Hackl back in the director’s chair.  [Thank goodness. Saw VI was supposed to be twice as good as Saw III, but it was really only half-again better than Saw IV].  Burg says he was impressed by a brief presentation he saw of the original Saw in 3-D and felt the series lent itself to the format.
“It’s worth it,” he explains. “We want to be able to build the sets that take advantage of depth. We’re going to design traps to come at you. The pendulum trap that opened the last movie would have been great in 3-D.” He’s excited by the prospect of the next entry and compares some of the gags they’ve got in mind to My Bloody Valentine 3D.
“A lot of the movie we’re planning where the victim’s eye, stuff is coming towards them. They’re point of view. I think the audience wants some Bloody Valentine-type moments where the gun comes into the audience and stuff like that.” [Shocktillyoudrop]

A gun comes into the audience?  If only.  Whatever, I feel the same way about torture porn as I do about pro wrestling or musicals — I don’t really get it, but if that’s your thing, swell, just stay away from my pets.  It also seems like these movies could be greatly improved if only Dennis Hopper showed up whenever everyone gets thrown in the rape dungeon to yell, “POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT!”