Haha, you said it, Sassy Ostrich!

I was trying hard not to mention the People’s Choice Awards today, the only awards show more asinine than the Golden Globes, but I couldn’t resist pointing out that “Favorite Comedy Movie” went to Grown Ups, the 10%-RottenTomatoes-rated Adam Sandler comedy Burnsy recently recognized as the worst movie of 2010, about which David Edwards of the DailyMirror wrote, “Frankly, if this makes you laugh even once, I recommend seeking medical advice.”

I imagine Kevin James celebrated by taking the cast out for a giant trough of McDonald’s cheeseburgers.  Anyway, as always, the winners were chosen via online voting, and the nominees… well, for that we go to the press release:

“With an ever-increasing audience base, Internet video has become a critical component of the overall media landscape with increasing cultural importance,” said People Choice Awards President Fred Nelson. “The People’s Choice Awards have historically incorporated third-party data like national ratings averages, box-office grosses and music sales to decide on potential nominees. We are excited to integrate Visible Measures’ data and insights on music, television and movie audiences into the nomination process.”

Visible Measures worked with the People’s Choice Awards to determine each potential nominees’ popularity on a True Reach basis, a unique measure of the total audience that has been exposed to an online video campaign – regardless of how widely the campaign spreads or where it appears. To measure True Reach, Visible Measures deploys a robust and patented set of technologies with the goal of capturing the universe of Internet video viewership data in near real-time.

Hmm, very enlightening.  I mean, we still don’t know how the nominees are determined (for such categories as “Favorite TV Obsession” and “Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure,”), but at least we know the technologies involved are “robust,” perhaps with a clean finish and earthy aroma.  Anyway, congratulations to Rachel Ray for winning best TV chef.  Well deserved.

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Writer/directors Poop-smearing monkeys Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, who are to comedy what AIDs is to Africa, yet apparently earn enough to afford $3 million homes, are taking on the indie scene in their next “film”, LA Art Movie.  Haha, stupid art fags, always telling you not to drool on your bib.  We’ll show them with a nonsensical Britney Spears reference.  Anyway, /Film claims to hear rumor the film might actually be a Twilight spoof, and even uncovered a few casting calls, aka ads on Craigslist.

AMBER – 18-22, beautiful and sensitive, must have a flair for comedy… LEAD

PHILIP – 18-24, darkly attractive, aristocratic adn intense, must have a flair for comedy… LEAD

MICHAEL – 18-22, working class, sincere and appealing, must have a flair for comedy… LEAD

FRANK – 40-50, Amber’s dad, good looking

I think it helps to imagine they mean “LEAD” as in the metal.  …Wait, did they say “flair for comedy”?!?

You said it, Sassy Ostrich.  Seriously though, I’d rather see my daughter in bukkake stump porn than a Seltzer Freebird movie.

Variety today reports that beautifully big-breasted actress Rosario Dawson has signed on for The Zookeeper, opposite Kevin James.  What’s The Zookeeper, you ask?  I’ve told you before, but you probably repressed the memory like the time your uncle showed you the bananafish.

Live actioner centers on zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their methods of dating and mating to help him win back the woman of his dreams.

(*pounds head on desk*)

Project reteams “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” producers James, Sussman and Garner (“Sorcerer’s Apprentice”). MGM won a bidding war last year for the “Zookeeper” spec, paying $2 million against $3 million, while the studio was ramping up a slate of homegrown projects.

(*cocks pistol, aims at temple*).

Writer: “I WROTE A SCRIPT!”
MGM Exec: “OMG WHATS IT ABOUT!”
Writer: “ITS LIKE HITCH, BUT WILL SMITH IS A ZEBRA!”
MGM Exec: “I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION:  DOES IT RAP!”
Writer: “HAHA! OF COURSE!”
MGM Exec: “OMG PRICELESS! HERE’S TWO MILLION DOLLARS! LET’S HOLD HANDS AND F*CK!”