(The poster, if it were honest)

It’s been a while since we played this game, so here’s a refresher. The way it works is, we take a movie none of us are probably going to see (say, a Miley Cyrus tear jerker, a J. Lo rom-com, or in this case, a high-larious laffer about Carrie Bradshaw juggling family and career), and try to recreate the plot using quotes from the sad-sack critics forced to sit through it. Because great art comes from limitations, we restrict ourselves to only expository quotes (NO ANALYSIS!). But of course, the thinly-veiled hatred still seeps through, and therein lies the fun. Today’s subject is I Don’t Know How She Does It, starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Greg Kinnear, and Christina Hendricks, based on Allison Pearson’s clit-lit bestseller of the same name. You might be shocked to learn that an SJP vehicle with a condescending title and a script that looks like it was written in 1978 was not a critical darling. Oh I know, I was as shocked as you are, she’s such a hit with the commoners.

Sarah Jessica Parker plays Kate, a harried Boston banker who spends the entire movie warming up leftover working-mom gags. -NYPos

She’s usually a mess: shirt partially untucked, hair uncombed, a splotch of that morning’s breakfast lodged in a crusty clump on her blazer. -AP

Her job as an investment banker has her traveling frequently. -Film.com

We first see Kate, who’s Type-Triple-A, as she desperately repackages a store-bought pie for a bake sale to make it seem homemade. -Chicago Tribune

She narrates the film for us, Carrie Bradshaw-style, letting us know how much she misses her 6-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son when she’s away. -Film.com

“This pie was going to be home-made if it’s the last thing I did,” vows Kate as she hastens to the bake-sale. -Guardian

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Just in case you needed to hear “Empire State of Mind” for the 8th time this morning, here’s the trailer for Sex and the City 2.  My favorite exchange:

SAMANTHA:  I’ve tricked my body into thinking it’s younger.  *pulls out pills*
CHARLOTTE:  How are you gonna swallow all those?
SAMANTHA:  …Have we met?

Ha, it’s funny ’cause she’s a slut (*gong*).   Other highlights included my favorite guest star, Liza Minelli (just edging out Miley Cyrus), and my favorite outfit, this:

God dammit. *reluctantly changes out of blazer with glittery, spiked shoulder pads*.

The plot is that the girls get together for a group vacation to Abu Dhabi, where Carrie runs into old flame Aiden, aka John Corbett, and the sparks and fur fly.  Is he trying to start a country music career or something?  What’s with the phony, folksy accent all of a sudden?  But anyway, Abu Dhabi is a great setting for this movie, because as we all know, Islamic countries just love scantily clad sluts.

“Who ees thees transvestite donkey witch next to you, and why it no wear burka?”

Kim Cattrall’s dog has a hat, your argument is invalid.  As you may have already guessed, Sex and the City 2 has a trailer.  It’s set in New York, so it begins with Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind, as now required by law of all things related to New York.  Then it’s girl time.  They want you to know that despite all that’s happened — marriage, menopause, babies, equine encephalitis — they’re still the same girls.  Samantha the slut, Carrie the clownish fashion victim, Charlotte the cute one, and Miranda the hideously deformed sewage mutant.  Wait, what?  Anyway, here’s to you, girls.  May you forever buy shoes and get boned and junk.
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Sarah Jessica Parker recently revealed that she was kicked by a cow on the set of her latest movie, Did You Hear About the Morgans.

“The cow kicked me in the middle of the scene and they left it in.” The 44-year-old added: “But I sympathised with the cow. I didn’t belong there and she knew it.” [BBC - thanks, Alan]

Now that you have more than enough material, add your own punchline in the comments section.

This is the new poster for Sex and the City 2, and while I always assumed all posters for this movie would be airbrushed beyond all recognition, I didn’t expect them to make Sarah Jessica Parker look so much like a middle-eastern dictator.  …That’s not the actual plot, is it?  Why do her sunglasses reflect the desert?  And why are they gold?  They have gold aviator shades now?  Maybe they’re actually blinders, to keep her from getting spooked and kicking one of the grips.  Haha, good one, Jay.

[via Moviefone]