I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that the following story miiiight not be true.  But seeing as how it involves a short film, it is my duty to cover it.  Hey, don’t kill the messenger.

A report has just broken out about a rumored sex tape between Academy Award-winner Sandra Bullock and motorcycle mogul Jesse James. Here’s a graphic report of what can be seen in that video, according to Showbiz Spy:

The alleged tape reportedly includes James smearing feces on Bullock’s upper lip during various types of anal sex, lots of profanity hurled from both parties, and a leather clad James, sporting a Hitler mustache with brown hat with a swastika, ramming a handcuffed Bullock’s bottom with a shotgun in his left hand. [DailyInquirer]

Hey, wasn’t this one of the deleted scenes from The Proposal?  Oh, and for future reference, if you stick a finger in a girl’s butt and then wipe it on her upper lip to give her a poopy Hitler ‘stache, it’s called a “Dirty Steinwiess.”  If you do it while singing show tunes, it’s a “Dirty Sondheim.”

UPDATE:  I didn’t feel like I needed any facts to assume this wasn’t true (I actually thought it was an April Fool’s post), but if you want them, my older brother site WWTDD does a pretty thorough job.

"Very funny, motherf*ckers."

In a shocking turn of events, The Blind Side author Michael Lewis said in a recent interview that Michael Oher, the subject of his book, wasn’t entirely thrilled with his portrayal in the movie as a noble, helpless slum ogre.  From Bloomberg (via Movieline):

Bloomberg: Have you kept up with Oher, the football player at the center of “The Blind Side.”

Lewis: Yes, but very loosely. Michael liked the book, but when the movie came out he was just starting his rookie year, and I think he was hazed constantly in the trenches. So he refused to go see it, he didn’t go to any of the premieres, he didn’t come to the Oscars — he didn’t identify himself with it.

Since the movie came out, the one thing I’ve heard from him is, “It’s not true that I was that idiotic when I started.” They took surprisingly few liberties, but the few they took really bothered him.

“Look, baby, we know you’re good at protecting the quarterback.  Baby, you’re the g*ddamned Albert Einstein of knocking people down.  What our movie presupposes is, maybe that’s because Sandra Bullock told you to pretend he was your new white family?  This is Hollywood, baby, don’t worry about it, we’ll take care of everything.”

Either Spazzy McSpazzerson here is Sandra Bullock’s new number one fan, or Pete Hammond is looking remarkably svelte lately. So this guy was just watching the Academy Awards, pacing nervously in his “I heart Sandra Bullock” t-shirt, as any normal person would be. Then they announce Sandra Bullock as the winner and professor soul patch here goes nuts. Look, he’s probably just really into football movies.  I kind of hope he’s kidding, but then, I don’t know what the point of that would’ve been.  Then, after his finished dusting the floor with his clothes, he turns to the camera and says:

“I’m so happy she won, that would’ve been really awkward.”

Yeah, dude.  Good thing we avoided that.

Yer changin’ that boy’s laaahfe….

[-via Tosh.0]

Sandra Bullock showed up to the Razzie Awards in Hollywood Saturday night.  They gave her a trophy, and in return she gave them All About Steve DVDs.  What a bitch.

“I think this is an extraordinary award.  I didn’t realize that this is the only award in Hollywood where if you say you’ll show up, you get it…
Something tells me you all didn’t watch the film.  Because I wouldn’t be here if you’d all actually watched the film and understood what we were doing here.”

Her intent aside, she just busted them on the two things that have always bugged me about the Razzies.  Well done, Sandy.  Anyway, then she said she was giving everyone DVDs and…

“I will show up next year, IF, you promise to watch the movie, and really consider if it was, really and truly, the worst performance.  If you’re willing to do this, I will come back next year and give back the Razzie.

“I also heard over the wire that Brad Cooper and myself won best couple.  Again, if you had seen the film, it’s pretty much a film about a woman stalking a man.  That doesn’t really set up the premise of a loving couple.  So to give us the worst couple award, is kind of a ‘Duh.’”

Two things: That it doesn’t really set up the premise of a loving couple is kind of why everyone thought the movie was so crappy, wasn’t it?  I mean, it was kind of weird being asked to laugh at an autistic woman who chokes on her seatbelt when she tries to attack Brad Cooper, no?  Secondly, as far as people confusing stalking for a loving relationship… have you heard of Twilight?

Post script: This is neither here nor there, but I think my favorite YouTube Comment was from “angloempire” who writes, “get in the kitchen you slut.”  Ah, YouTube.

[video via BestWeekEver]

The NY Times recently posted a video (after the jump) of famous actors choosing their favorite performances of the decade.  It’s fairly interesting — especially Jeff Bridges’ choice of Mike White in Chuck and Buck — but the best part is where they show Sandra Bullock with the above hairstyle and offer no explanation.  Which is kind of like showing up to a fancy dinner party with your scrote hanging out of your pants and not acknowledging it (as I do).  Sadly, I don’t have an explanation either.  But I hear Pete Hammond is already calling it “The biggest hair of the year!!!” underneath the headline “Mighty Afro-dite!”

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