"TOGA!"

Full disclosure: I’ve seen a total of two Takashi Miike movies, Ichi the Killer and Gozu.  But based on those and basically every trailer for every other movie of his, I felt comfortable in the assessment that he was a lot like Nuprin.  Little.  Yellow.  Different.  Sorry, I chose a really racist way to say that he’s weird.  Point being, when the new trailer for 13 Assassins hit, I was a little taken aback by how normal it was.

Cult director Takeshi Miike (Ichi the Killer, Audition) delivers a bravado period action film set at the end of Japan’s feudal era in which a group of unemployed samurai are enlisted to bring down a sadistic lord and prevent him from ascending to the throne and plunging the country into a wartorn future. [Apple]

And wait, isn’t “bravado” a noun?  IT’S LIKE EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW IS WRONG!

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Commercial director Carl Rinsch (you can see couple examples of his work below), who was once attached the Alien prequel, has been hired to direct 47 Ronin, a Keanu Reeves samurai movie.

Actioner “47 Ronin” tells the famous fact-based story of a band of samurai swordsmen who avenge the death of their master in 18th century Japan. The Chris Morgan (“Wanted”) script was tailored so that the half-Asian Reeves can play one of the swordsmen. The picture mixes the fantastical elements of films like “The Lord of the Rings” with battle scenes of the sort found in “Gladiator” and “300.”  [Variety]

Uh, hello?  Keanu Reeves is not half-Asian.  At the most he’s a quarter.  His mother is English and his father is Hawaiian and Chinese and named “Reeves”.  Pff, these Variety idiots act like they’ve never read a Tiger Beat.  (It’s called “Tiger Beat” because as soon as I open it I start pawing at my junk).  Anyway, Hollywood samurai movies are always great because since Japan was completely closed to the outside world from 1639 – 1854, they always have to come up with a really cool reason for why a famous white guy like Keanu Reeves or Tom Cruise is there. And Keanu Reeves can play a great samurai.  Samurai, KGB agent, caveman, one of those Buckingham palace guards — pretty much anyone who’s face doesn’t move much.   I have a Bell’s Palsy script I’m trying to get him to read.

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The LA Times has uncovered an old mug shot of Mario Majorski, the brave samurai who died valiantly trying to protect Hollywood from Scientology the other day.  They’ve also included some new details about his life:

Majorski was a church of Scientology member in good standing in 1993 when he and a classmate sued a psychiatry professor and UCLA.
The professor, Louis West, was an expert on brainwashing and an outspoken critic of Scientology, which he dismissed as a “pyramid scheme.”
Suits filed in state and federal court accused West of activities, including speaking to anti-cult groups, that transgressed the separation of church and state and interfered with Majorski’s practice of religion. Both suits were dismissed, and court records indicate that Majorski’s role was largely limited to providing his name as a plaintiff.

Public records show a recent history of confrontation in both states.  On Nov. 2, Majorski was arrested at a Mormon church service in Florence, Ore., the coastal town where he lived. A Florence police spokeswoman told the Associated Press that he was “cursing and moving around a lot” and was charged with disorderly conduct and criminal trespass.  Less than a month ago, he was arrested in Florence for swinging an ax at an Auto Club employee who was bringing him gas for his car. Majorski threatened to shoot police who went to his home to investigate, according to a police report. He pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct.

Reached for comment, a spokesman expressed condolences for the victim’s family on behalf of the Scientology Centre.  “It’s a senseless tragedy,” the spokesman said, “if he’d only paid us a few thousand more dollars, he’d be in heaven right now.  Space heaven.”

A guard at Scientology’s Celebrity Centre in Hollywood heroically shot to death a sword-wielding intruder (no doubt under the influence of Thetans) on Sunday.

Police did not release the name of the guard or the man killed in the shooting, which occurred about noon. The tape showed the man arriving at the Celebrity Centre’s Bronson Avenue parking lot in a red convertible, getting out of the vehicle and approaching a trio of security guards and waving a sword in each hand, Hara said.

He said the man, who was described as being in his 40s, was “close enough to hurt them” when the guard fired. The man was taken to County-USC Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead.

Det. Wendi Berndt said the man was involved with the church “a long time ago.”

A teenager who saw the man arrive in the parking lot said he stopped the car abruptly in the driveway and climbed out with a 5-foot sword in his hand and an angry expression on his face. Tony Marquez, 17, said the man, who was bald and had tattoos on his arms, walked toward the building, then returned to the car to get the other sword. “I thought it was part of a show,” said Marquez, of Ontario.

The incident occurred at one of Hollywood’s most distinctive landmarks. Originally a luxury hotel, the eight-story building was built in the style of a 17th century French castle with a striking white facade and turrets that loom over the nearby Hollywood Freeway. [LA Times]

I’ll say this for Scientology, church would probably be a lot more fun if you could see an angry tattooed bald guy carrying samurai swords and immediately assume he’s part of the regular sermon.  Though it doesn’t seem very sporting to build a castle in the middle of town and then when it gets attacked by a guy with a sword, you pull a gun on him.  I mean, pour hot oil on the guy or shoot him with a crossbow, at least be consistent.

L. Ron Hubbard book picture source = Cracked