In a story almost as unsurprising as the news that Gordon Ramsay’s dwarf porn doppleganger was eaten by badgers, it turns out Samuel L. Jackson will be in Quentin Tarantino’s new movie, Django Unchained. Jackson previously starred in Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill 2, True Romance — pretty much any time Tarantino needed a black guy — and was widely expected to join Unchained, since it’s mostly about black guys. And because Sam Jackson would star in your cousin’s bat mitsvah video if you paid him ten dollars. The dude’s in everything. In fact, he’s probably behind you.

Samuel L. Jackson is confirmed for “Django Unchained,” re-uniting with Quentin Tarantino for the fifth time.
Jackson had been expected for some time to play Stephen, a house slave and the right-hand man of a sadistic slavemaster. Thesp’s publicist confirmed his attachment Tuesday. [Variety]

Jackson joins a cast that includes Leonardo DiCaprio, Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Gerald McRaney of Deadwood, and Kevin Costner. DiCaprio plays the sadistic slavemaster, Calvin Candie, who runs a club that whores out female slaves and pits the males against each other in “Mandingo-style death matches.” Yes, Quentin’s coke wizard has really outdone himself this time. “ZIM SKIM SKADOO, HAVE I GOT A STORY FOR YOU!” (*draws two black guys dick fighting, disappears in puff of smoke*)

Jackson will play DiCaprio’s actual house slave, which means I wasn’t being clever in that headline. It’s not a movie about some African-American club DJ or anything like that. Though with Tarantino’s love of fist-pumping, that’d be a perfect fit.

Nick Fury never goes anywhere without Nick Furry.

Back in February of last year, news broke that Samuel L. Jackson signed a mother f*cking huge deal with mother f*cking Marvel Studios to play the Nick Fury character in nine films. So far his eyepatch has popped up in the first two Iron Man installments and it’s been confirmed that he’ll appear in The Mighty Thor, Captain America, and the Avengers movie. We can now add Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. to the list, according to Jackson.

I would assume that Sammy J. has a pretty good idea of what films are included in this contract, because there is no way in heck – heck, I tell you! – that he’d just sign on to do a project and just throw caution to the wind. Not the star of The Spirit, Jumper, The Man, both xXx movies, SWAT, Changing Lanes, Deep Blue Sea, Sphere… *blacks out*

GIVE US THE MOTHER F*CKING NEWS, CINEMATICAL:

According to Mr. Jackson: “The Avengers should start shooting some time next year, and then some time after that there’ll be a big S.H.I.E.L.D. movie.” There’s some skepticism that Jackson could know of such a thing when the same interview shows he doesn’t know his Marvel cinematic universe very well — he wasn’t up to date on who is playing Captain America or Thor.

Big whoop. I have no clue who is playing Thor, and I’m trying my hardest to forget Chris Evans is alive. We can make fun of Sam all we want for his whorish script selections, but a Nick Fury movie is his one choice that leaves me scratching my head. It’s not that the plot is terrible or there aren’t a lot of options, but this movie has been done before. And not only has it been done, it’s been done by a legend:

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This is the first trailer for The Other Guys, starring Will Ferrell and Marky M. Wahlberg as the black sheep rivals of supercops The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson (they’re cooler because they’re black guys, which is realistic).  It’s directed by Adam McKay, and though some of the lines land with a big, fat thud (“Somebody call nine one holy sh*t,” Uh, okay.), the comedy super cast also includes Michael Keaton, Steve Coogan, Rob Riggle, and Eva Mendes.  I’m guessing it’ll be like two hours of Funny or Die sketches roughly stitched together like Stepbrothers, and I’m okay with that.  Hey, did I just use the word “super” twice in the same post?  Maybe I shouldn’t have typed this with my pixie wand.

I hope Michael Keaton goes back to doing more comedies, that fargin icehole.

Fans of the XXX franchise might recall a promo clip before Ice Cube’s State of the Union was released, in which a building blew up and the back of Xander Cage’s scalp splattered on the street. Well logic and science be damned, because XXX: The Return of Xander Cage has been picked up by Paramount and will hit theaters in late 2011 or early 2012.

If James Cameron’s Avatar changed the game, then hold on to your Oakleys because director Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel are going to change the X-game!!!uno! Let the bodies hit the floor, Coming Soon:

“I feel what we did in the beginning of the decade was bring a different attitude to the action movie and a different kind of hero,” Cohen told the site. “With the new 3D instrument and the techniques I can apply, we can create a different kind of cutting-edge experience in 3D by shooting it that way from the beginning the way James Cameron did ‘Avatar.’ This won’t be fantasy characters, it takes place on Earth in real time. That’s a new dimension to be explored, and I’m excited.”

That’s right, Xander Cage how you always wanted him, brah – in 3-D. Now when he hits the kick flip to wicked nose ollie back grind hammerhead tongue leap barrel cork on the unicycle to escape from the terrorist prison on the mountainous Island of Totally Rad, you’re gonna be all like, “I was like, when is he going to pull off some sick move to fly between bullets and outrun the titanium dragon, and then BAM! HE OUT RUNS THE MOTHER F-ING DRAGON!”

Also, in case you were on the edge of your seat, Samuel L. Jackson will return to reprise his role as Agent Augustus Gibbons, which is astounding, because he is so picky about his roles lately.

- Burnsy

In a financial downturn, everyone feels the sting, even the rich, the famous, the clay-faced.

Then there is comeback kid Mickey Rourke, who is poised to follow his Golden Globe-winning performance in “The Wrestler” with an offer to play the main villain in “Iron Man 2″ — but at a lowball opening offer of $250,000 from Marvel; Marvel’s tactics have already prompted Samuel L. Jackson to swear off playing Nick Fury because of a similarly low offer. [Variety]

Sam Jackson makes 1200 movies a year. A quarter million isn’t enough?   How many ex-wives does he have?  I know it’s embarrassing to get paid less than you’re worth, but so is starring in Jumper.  I like Sam Jackson, but let’s face it, his name doesn’t mean shit when it comes to selling the movie.  For his part, it’s unclear whether Rourke has accepted his offer.  My guess is he’ll take it, but begin tightening his belt. First step?  Slashing his belt budget, ironically.