It's gonna be a long season.

Think of the blandest, most generic movie idea you can imagine, and then immediately forget it because it’s so bland and generic, and then have it re-written by a team of lawyers, and you basically have Salt.  This was a movie so bland and generic they wrote it for Tom Cruise.  Then when he dropped out, they made it anyway with Angelina Jolie.  Who apparently saw Tom’s prep work and assumed part of the character was running like a spaz.  Remember that movie?  Of course you don’t.  Well now Sony has decided it needs a sequel.  Get ready for Salt 2: The Spazzening.

Kurt Wimmer has begun writing it for Angelina Jolie to reprise her role as Evelyn Salt, the CIA agent who spent the first movie running for her life after being outed as a Russian spy. The studio smartly left open a window for a possible sequel at the climax of the original, which was directed by Phillip Noyce.
Jolie wants to do to do the Salt sequel if it comes together right. I’m told that Wimmer has officially signed on and is working away. The original grossed around $300 million worldwide for Sony Pictures. [Deadline]

I can’t imagine anyone wanting to see this as a movie, but as something to help people fall asleep on planes it could make a mint.

Here’s Malibu’s Most Wanted, Jeremy Piven explaining his totally-not-bogus-sounding mercury poisoning story to Peter Travers of Rolling Stone, who totally doesn’t seem like a giant kiss-ass the whole time.  And then at 6:33, Peter Travers asks J-Piv to sing, but J-Piv raps instead because “that’s what I grew up on.”  Woof.

Here’s a new clip of Angelina Jolie in Salt.  You’ll never believe this, but she plays a street-wise spy on the run from a government that may have double crossed her, and she’ll need all her skills to survive.  Hmm, are we sure America is ready for a film like this?  It seems ahead its time. |Yahoo Movies|

Mel Gibson hates Mexicans now too.  “I will report her to the f**king people that take f**king money from the wetbacks,” is what he reportedly said this time.  “MIRA, THERE’S ESOMEONE DRESSED LIKE UNA PEEG?” the ranchero accordion store manager reportedly said upon hearing Mel’s report.  More importantly, The Mighty Fek’lhr just made this new LOL Mel which I found delightfully disturbing. Yes, the crazy eyes are strong with that one. |HuffingtonPost|

Rumors of Bond’s demise have been greatly exaggerated.  Sort of.  Daniel Craig and Sam Mendes say they remain “attached to the project“, though that doesn’t mean a whole lot until MGM can actually make the movie. MGM is in debt and needs a buyer, and Bond remains tied to MGM because MGM kind of needs it to attract a buyer. So basically, it’s on hold indefinitely until someone buys MGM, just like it had been.  I hear rumblings about someone looking to buy MGM, but nothing concrete yet. Hold on, I hear another rumbling… (*fart noise*)  [Deadline]

Some new kid I haven’t heard of has been cast as Beast in X-Men First Class. You can read all about it in my upcoming book, “Blah Blah Blah Who Cares.” |SlashFilm|

Janeane Garofalo says Brazilian waxing is part of a “national myth.” (Obvious line: in related news, Janeane Garofalo is still alive.)  “It couldn’t possibly be true that there are a lot of guys who find adult females with genitals that look pre-adolescent that attractive,” she said. “If they do, that’s a problem. I think it’s a national myth that we have all gone along with for some reason.”  You’re right, Janeane, I have fascist, pedophilic tendencies because I also prefer pre-adolescent-looking armpits, legs, eyebrows, and upper lips, and I even like it when women wear deodorant so that they can smell like my marginalized, objectified, pre-adolescent playthings.  But hey, you know what’s not a national myth? Janeane Garofalo has a super hairy p*ssy.  |Celebitchy|

Sony just released a new trailer for the Angelina Jolie spy thriller, Salt, this time with MORE ACTION (*guitar squeal*). It comes from director Philip Noyce (The Saint, Clear and Present Danger) and a script once intended for Tom Cruise, which they thought was too unbelievable so they cast a girl. Anyway, here all this time I thought she was just supposed to be a Russian spy, she’s actually Batman or xXx or some sh*t.  She likes to headbutt people unconscious and knock guys off moving motorcycles and dive onto passing trucks from overpasses.  Which she can do because she’s so good at espionage, you see.  Though my favorite part was the classic “female spy movie” move where she goes on the lam and dyes her hair dark. (*cough* Long Kiss Goodnight! *cough, cough*) That always works.

NAMELESS AGENT: “I think we’ve got her!  *takes closer look, sees different hair color* My bad.  *speaking into wrist* Stand down, stand down, false alarm.  Looks like it’s just some other pillow-lipped, big-titted super spy.  Sorry for the confusion, ma’am. Our mistake.”

This is the first trailer for Salt (this one’s in English, though a Russian-dubbed one was making the rounds yesterday).  It made the “Black List” (the list of the best unproduced screenplays as voted on by Hollywood types) back in 2007, when it was called Edwin A. Salt, and was set to star Tom Cruise in a film by Michael Mann. Mann later dropped out and Hancock director Peter Berg joined the project.  Then Cruise dropped out and they hired Quiet American director Phillip Noyce, and re-wrote Cruise’s part for Angelina Jolie, whose character is now named Evelyn A. Salt, which is a shame because everyone knows only c-nty Women Studies professors are named “Evelyn.”

Finally we get a trailer, featuring Jolie opposite Liev Shrieber and Chiwetel Ejiofor, in what looks like a pretty run-of-the-mill thriller, in which the main character may or may not be a Russian spy.  It seems like a perfect fit for Cruise, I wonder why he dropped out.  I can think of only one explanation — there must’ve been gay people in there.  So come on, fess up, who was it?  Was it you, Liev?  Chuy? Tom Cruise needs to know so he can avoid you.

Despite rumors that she might have to drop out, Moviehole reports that Angelina Jolie is officially signed on for the thriller Salt (which used to be called Edwin A. Salt when Tom Cruise was attached to play the lead).

Meanwhile, the poster for The Changeling (trailer here) has been released.  They obviously chose to focus on Angelina’s lips, perhaps her most recognizable feature.  I like the idea, but given the subject matter I think they could just as easily have used a picture of the kid suckling at her teats, which are equally recognizable.  Also, apparently you’re not supposed to refer to them as “teats” in the heat of passion.  Or poke them and make moo sounds.  Well pardon me your majesty.

[IMPA]