The remake/reboot/whatever they’re calling it these days of Conan the Barbarian which was at one point set to be directed by Brett Ratner, has signed Marcus Nispel, the gentleman you see here.  Sources say the set will smell a little less like burritos and a little more like patchouli and cat pee.

Nispel has been set to direct “Conan,” ending a nine-year development ordeal to reinvent the Robert E. Howard-created barbarian first immortalized onscreen by Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1982.

The film will be the most financially ambitious ever for producer Avi Lerner, with a script by Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, whose credits include “Sahara” and “Cowboys and Aliens.” Lerner flirted with Brett Ratner last year, but the filmmaker could not commit in a timely fashion and Lerner couldn’t wait. That opened the door for Nispel, who’ll make “Conan” his third redo, after “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Friday the 13th” [his other directing credit being "Pathfinder"].  Nispel said he will blend his childhood imaginings of the character with the influence of the famous Conan illustrations by Frank Frazetta, and the influence of such viscerally violent period films as Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto.” [Variety]

Viscerally violent period films?  Sounds gross.  Anyway, nine years in the making and they ended up with the director of Pathfinder doing a script by the writers of Sahara. If they’d waited a few more months maybe they could’ve gotten Seltzer-Freebird and the guy from After Last Season.

In 2005, Crusader Entertainment made a horrible movie out of Clive Cussler’s book, Sahara (which probably isn’t much better – a protagonist named “Dirk Pitt”?).  The film lost $80 million, and Cussler sued, angry that he wasn’t given script approval, alleging the film company breached their licensing agreement.

“Two years ago, a jury returned a verdict that ordered Cussler to pay $5 million. Crusader wasn’t satisfied with the judgment, claiming that lawyers had billed the company more than 35,000 hours. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge John Shook agreed, this week ordering Cussler to pay $14 million in legal fees.

The damage for Cussler could be even more significant, with reported legal fees to his own lawyer, Bert Fields, tagged at $8.5 million. Total pain for Cussler? More than $27 million and counting. After all, Fields plans to appeal the decision for his client, which will probably cost more money.” [THR]

Wow, and to think, they could’ve just paid the lawyers $80 million directly. Or they could flush it down the toilet, where it would eventually make it to the lawyers anyway.  Get it? Lawyer joke! *BONG* Hey, know what’s the difference between JFK and a lawyer? People were SAD when JFK got his head blown off!  Wakka wakka wakka!