Last night at the SAG Awards, which of course stands for Sensual Armenian Goalposts (full list of SAG Award winners and nominees below), Jennifer Lawrence took home the best actress award for her role in Silver Linings Playbook. During her acceptance speech, she first thanked MTV, which seems weird, because you’d think if MTV was running the SAG awards, the winner would be Braden Boogerface from Twilight and the statue would be a surfboard. Lawrence explained:

“I wanna thank MTV. I’ll explain. I earned my SAG card – when I was 14 I did an MTV promo for My Super Sweet 16. And I remember getting it in the mail and I remember it being the best day of my entire life because it officially made me a professional actor, which put me in the category with all of you. And now I have this naked statue, that means that some of you even voted for me.”

So you’re saying next time I camp out outside your house naked, I should paint myself silver like a statue? Duly noted, Jennifer Lawrence, duly noted. Whatever makes you comfortable. Anyway, since Jennifer Lawrence basically told the internet to google her MTV promo, the internet quickly googled her MTV promo, which is above. The amazing thing is that Jennifer Lawrence at 14 looks pretty much exactly the same as she does now (she’s 22). At 14, I looked someone dyed a Ronald McDonald wig blonde and put it on some braces. Luckily I’m 76 now and have outgrown my awkward phase.

Aaaaand here’s a gif of Jennifer Lawrence on the red carpet:

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Now is the time of year when critics associations announce their awards, and commentators who specialize in awards coverage argue with each other about which awards most affect other awards. It’s like a real-life f*cking snow level, only more asinine. (You correctly predicted the Oscars? Congratulations, kill yourself). My favorite is the current argument over whether Zero Dark Thirty glorifies torture. Zero Dark Thirty, which even *I* don’t get to see until January, and I’m a critic. Aaaanyway, this week saw the release of the SAG Award nominations, which are crucial because (*fart*), and the Critic’s Choice Awards, which have had Oscar implications approximately (*wank*) percent of the time. Enjoy. (*slide whistle*)

SAG

Best Ensemble in a Motion Picture
“Argo”
“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
“Les Misérables”
“Lincoln”
“Silver Linings Playbook”

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
John Hawkes, “The Sessions”
Denzel Washington, “Flight”
Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Helen Mirren, “Hitchcock”
Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”
Marion Cotillard, “Rust and Bone”

Armie Hammer, the popped-collar pot bandit, photobombs Meryl Streep at the SAG Awards. I’m kind of fascinated with the guy behind him. Is he security? What’s going on there? Is there a guy in charge of stopping photobombs? All I know is that Armie Hammer is so preppy, if he was on Saved by the Bell, Zack Morris’s nickname would’ve been “Thug Life.” [via Buzzfeed]

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/obligatory

The SAG Awards had their little presentation last night, and the big story was The Help taking every award it was nominated for. I never saw it because it looked like a remake of The Blind Side, but my mom liked it, so there you go. I sort of expect the Oscars and the Golden Globes to skew towards things old people like since most of the voters are old, but I’m not sure what the SAG Awards’ excuse is. These are just a small step up from the People’s Choice Awards for Things People Have Heard Of. Meanwhile, Betty White won Best Actress in a Comedy Series for Hot in Cleveland. And I’m preeeetty sure that’s not even a show.

Full list of nominees and winners below. Read the rest of this entry »

/obligatory

The Screen Actor’s Guild released their list of nominees for the 18th annual (yay! finally legal!) SAG Awards today, and not surprisingly– in fact, predictably to the point of being nauseating — biopics were the big winner. Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Michelle Williams, Meryl Streep, Kenneth Branagh, Armie Hammer, and Jonah Hill were all nominated for their portrayals of J. Edgar Hoover, Billy Beane, Marilyn Monroe, Margaret Thatcher, Sir Laurence Olivier, Clyde Tolson, and Paul DePodesta (fictionalized as Peter Brand) respectively. You’d think a guild made up of actors of all people would recognize that creating a believable personality out of words on a page is harder than just doing an impression of a living person, but I guess not. Daryl Hammond should make his SNL sketches longer, he’d clean up on these.

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