New Year’s Eve is New Line/Warner Bros’ latest attempt to capitalize on the throw-10-trite-premises-at-the-wall-and-call-it-a-day formula of Valentine’s Day, which itself was basically Love Actually with more vignettes and famouser actors. Directed by the hollowed-out husk of Garry Marshall, it stars a who’s who of bland white jagoffs who make me want to kill myself, including Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, that chick from Glee, and a billion other people including a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, in what appears to be an earnest attempt to create cinematic ipecac. A vom-com, say. My God, if I could kick a movie in the stomach… You can watch the just-released trailer below, if you dare. The horror, the horror…

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(“WHAT’S THIS CHICK’S NUMBER, I LOVE TOMBOYS”)

As you can see by his super eyehumpy Twitter account — [lengthy digression] honestly, when you’re that fruity looking, is it really the best idea to put a giant pink ribbon in your picture?  And what’s the point of it anyway, someone’s gonna go “oh my gosh, Ryan Seacrest’s wearing pink, I’d better go cure cancer now!”  Ribbons are the most asinine thing ever.  You know who else had ribbons?  The Nazis.  They made the Jews wear them. —– [/digression] Ryan Seacrest just talked to Nic Cage, and even though Cage says no to National Treasure 3, Ryan Seacrest’s gut says yes.  There’s no script, but come on, this stuff practically writes itself.  “A gypsy woman told you there’s viking gold buried in the tomb of the Unknown Soldier?!  Quick, summon the Giant Forehead!”

[Ryan Seacrest's Twitter, via FilmDrunkard Luchador, who apparently follows Ryan Seacrest on Twitter]

Following the Oscars on Sunday, the slumpuppies took their adorable U.S. press tour to Disneyland, where they hung out with Mickey Mouse.

“In America, the rats are big and friendly and never steal your food or bite you while you are sleeping.  It is truly the happiest place on Earth,” I imagine Rubina Ali saying.

Oh, and if you think that’s racist, at least I didn’t just hold up a piece of paper with their names on it to avoid having to pronounce their complicated, non-Caucasian names.  No, it’s okay Seacrest, they don’t need individual recognition. After all, they were only the main characters in the Best Picture of the year, you worthless f-cking sack of processed cheese.
[picture via Radar]

The Emmys happened last night, and if you were lucky enough not to watch, I’ll give you the recap.  First of all, as a self-congratulatory circle jerk, the Emmys make the Oscars look tame.  They have so many goddamned categories they might as well give everyone a trophy at the door.

To give you an idea of how much it sucked, the hosts were Ryan Seacrest, Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst from Survivor, Heidi Klum, and that annoying jagoff who replaced Saget on America’s Funniest Home Videos.  They set the tone for the night with their opening bit, which I shit you not was 15 minutes of them swearing they hadn’t actually written an opening bit.  “No seriously, this isn’t a joke, we actually couldn’t come up with anything.”  Yeah?  How ’bout you get the f-ck off the stage then.

And throughout the night, presenters would say stuff like, “No, really, there’s nothing on the teleprompter right now, the producer keeps waving at me, hee hee ha ha ho ho….”  We get it, it’s live, you’re ad libbing, congratulations, you’re a genius.  The only one who was funny was Don Rickles, who, instead of saying he wasn’t reading off the teleprompter, made it clear he was going off teleprompter by ripping on what was on it.  That’s right, everyone there got outshined by Don Rickles, who’s 160 years old.  Though extra points for Conan O’Brien for dissing Katherine Heigl.  “At this point, I had planned on doing a few more jokes, but Katherine Heigl told me she didn’t think my material was Emmy-worthy.”  Burn.  List of winners after the jump.

UPDATE: You can see some video of the opening here.

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Gary Busey has released an official apology to Jennifer Garner for being creepy at the Oscars.

"I meant no disrespect to Ms. Jennifer Garner when I met her at the Oscars and apologize if I made her uncomfortable," Busey said in a statement Monday released though his attorney, Vicki Roberts.

Of course, he didn’t apologize to the little girl he terrorized the same night because she’s not famous so fuck her.  He also called Ryan Seacrest’s radio show.

"You are to me, when you’re working, an innocent champion of honesty. Your heart has a way to embrace the truth in your delivery without looking like you are reading a script," he told Seacrest.

"Everything looks spontaneous. What spontaneity is—spontaneity comes from an invisible idea that is there before the creation began. And you have that naturally, so I just wanted to pay you a compliment. But I didn’t know you were in the middle of an interview, I was just moving through there." [Yahoo]

I like it when Busey takes the time to explain abstract concepts like “spontaneity”.  He went on to say that “truth” is a magical centaur who lives in a cave and "honesty" is a retarded black chick who talks to him while he shits.