Harry Hanrahan over at Pajiba (NERDS!) put together this extremely thorough mash-up video of the 100 Greatest Movie Threats, which is a nice fantasy to live out for a few minutes while you’re saying “right away, boss!” and filling out TPS reports (little do they know, one day you’ll burn that place to the ground). As far as I’m concerned, the entire video could’ve been just the first act of Full Metal Jacket.  Though Ryan Phillippe threatening to “f*ck start” a “c*nt’s head” from Way of the Gun is pretty good too.  It begs the question: how would one f*ck start something?  And what exactly does “start” mean in reference to a head that’s been f*ck started? Can I see a before-and-after comparison of a virgin and f*ck-started head, just to see what I’m dealing with?  And once it’s been f*ck started, can it be f*ck stopped?  Discuss.

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"To numbing our shame."

It was just the other week we saw the trailer for the film where 50 Cent plays a football player stricken with cancer, and already we’ve been blessed with another Fiddy vehicle, this time co-starring Bruce Willis and Ryan Phillippe, written and directed by stuntman Mike Gunther (STUNTMAN MIKE!).  As it turns out, there’s a good reason for so many 50 Cent movies coming out, that reason being that Fiddy made a 10-picture, $200 million dollar deal between Hedge Fund Film Partners and his production company, Cheetah Vision, which sounds like a strip club.  And so far, their movies look exactly like what you’d expect from a production company that sounds like a strip club.

This one’s called SetUp, and it’s basically a rip-off of The Town, but set in Detroit, which I guess is the idealized, blue-collar capital of ancestral towneyism for black people that Boston is for whitey.  All you really need to know about the plot is that in the banner picture, Willis offers Fiddy a toast, saying, “To crime.”

To crime indeed. Because this is a movie about crime, you see. This basically like if in Any Given Sunday, Jamie Foxx had reached his hand into the huddle and said, “Okay, guys, ‘Football’ on three, ready? One two three FOOTBALL!”  It’s a shame they don’t give out Oscars for being painfully on the nose.

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Here we have the new trailer for The Bling Bang Club, in which big-lipped sex symbol Ryan Phillippe, Nordic Eskimo Malin Akerman, and that dude who played Gambit, play combat photographers covering the last days of Apartheid in South Africa.

One second, I’m being handed an update… Okay, it turns out the movie is actually called The BANG Bang Club.  Sorry about that. I must have been confused by the accents.  “Bling Bang” could still be the tagline though. This is Africa, after all.

[Opens April 22nd, trailer via Apple]

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Well punth me in the cunth, today sure seems to be a popular day for trailers.  A few more of these and your mom might start hanging around here.  (Get it? Trailers?  Your mom?  Zing?)  Anyway, this is the latest red-band trailer for MacGruber (opens May 21st), which once sounded like a really bad idea, but based on early buzz, sounds like it might be pretty funny.  Amazing what a good early buzz will do for my mood, huh?  (Get it?  Early buzz?  Zing?)  Sorry, I’ve been drinking.

And no dude, I’m not pronouncing your name “FILL uh pee”.  This is one of the few times the French pronunciation actually sounds less silly.  You don’t like it you can go cry to Eye-an Ziering.

Making a movie out of Macgruber seemed like a dumb idea to me — I always thought the sketch was heavy on the cute gimmick and light on the comedy.  But when they hired The Lonely Island’s Jorma Taccone to direct and made it a hard-R rating with Val Kilmer playing a villain named Dieter Von Cunth, suddenly it was interesting.  It premiered at SXSW, and the reviews are just now starting to trickle in like pee on the end of my wiener when I don’t shake it off long enough:

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