The DailyMail peppered this story with stills from Pulp Fiction, so who am I to say that it isn’t TOTALLY film-related? According to the story, Russian hairdresser Olga Zajac (pictured — doesn’t pixellating her face make her seem more guilty??), 28, caught 32-year-old Viktor Jasinski breaking into her salon in Meshchovsk. That’s when she did what any upstanding business lady would do in that situation: she beat him up with karate, tied him to a chair, and kept him as her sex slave for three days.

Viktor Jasinski, 32, admitted to police that he had gone to the salon with the intention of robbing it. But the tables were turned dramatically when he found himself overcome by owner Olga Zajac, 28, who happened to be a black belt in karate. She allegedly floored the would-be robber with a single kick.
Then, in a scene reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction [my God, it's like they wrote this with the specific intention of getting it featured on FilmDrunk. -Ed.], police say Zajac dragged the semi-conscious Jasinski to a back room of the salon and tied him up with a hair dryer cable.
She allegedly stripped him naked and, for the next three days, used him as a sex slave to ‘teach him a lesson’ – force feeding him Viagra to keep the lesson going.
The would-be robber was eventually released, with Zajak [sic] saying he had learned his lesson.
Jasinski went straight to the police and told them of his back-room ordeal, saying that he had been held hostage, handcuffed naked to a radiator, and fed nothing but Viagra. Both have now been arrested.
When police arrived to question Zahjac [sic - that's THREE different spellings of the same name now, if you're keeping score at home... -Ed], she said: ‘What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left.” [DailyMail]

Haha, cool story, Russian mail-order bride industry I mean Daily Mail. Frickin’ Russian chicks, man. Always strong-arming strange men into having sex with them over and over until they’re completely drained of fluids. Classic Russkie move. WHO WILL STOP THIS SCOURGE OF HOT WET VAGINA CRIME? Not the police. It’s corrupt over there. Why, the force is lousy with hussy hush money. No, this sounds like a job for… Fyodor Caineskiy, Indiscriminate Sex Crimes Unit.

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Mel Gibson is in the news again today, with more ugliness surrounding his split with Oksana Grigorieva.  Who knew breaking up with a Russian chick could get so heated? Anyway, Radar Online claims that they have audio tape of Gibson saying some very nasty, very racist things to Grigorieva, but it’s most likely another lie perpetrated by those same greedy shysters who caused all the wars and planned 9/11.  Lay it on me, Sugar Tits, and try not to kill Jesus:

A source close to the situation says Oksana claims she was forced to tape Mel after he made a series of death threats. RadarOnline.com has listened to the hate-fuelled rants the Braveheart star unleashed during fights with Oksana as their relationship unraveled.
“You’re an embarrassment to me,” Mel tells her at one point.
“You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.”

Haha, silly nodders!  Always raping farting pigs!

In another tirade, Mel tells Oksana: “How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice.” He warns, “I am going to come and burn the f**king house down… but you will blow me first.”
In a further outburst, Mel is heard telling her, “You’re a bitch” to which Oksana insists, “I didn’t do anything.”  “Did so,” Mel responds.

Hahahaha, “Did so.”  “I’m rubber you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you like a pack of n***ers.”

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For thousands of years (give or take), the USSR was our mortal enemy, what with their grey clothes and drab efficiency.  But ever since Ronald Reagan personally punched down the Berlin wall with his bare fists, more and more it seems like Russians are actually just like us with funny haircuts minus human emotions.  And that’s what this trailer for Forbidden Reality is like.  It’s all in Russian, but all the slow motion, bullet-time, and Matrix-y special effects seem familiar and comforting, like eating warm apple pie on your cowboy horse.  Their synopsis:

Based on the novel by very popular sci-fi writer Vasiliy Golovachev, the film tells a story of an agent betrayed by his partner when transporting new psychic weapon. Believed to be dead, he escapes and takes new identity so he can live in peace far away. But later he is forced to return to Moscow to confront a secret organization, led by his former partner, that attempts to use the dangerous weapon in order to take control over the country. Now he is a key figure in the battle between forces of darkness and light. [QuietEarth]

My synopsis: A dude transforms into a lion!  OO WHA-AA AA-AA!

FilmDrunkard Sara left a link to this trailer in the comments section the other day and it looked pretty cool so I thought what the hell. It’s called Domovoy, it screened at the Toronto Film Festival last month and it opens in Russia next month.  No word on whether it will see a U.S. release yet.  FYI:

A domovoi is a house spirit in Slavic folklore. Domovois (the correct plural form is domovye) are masculine, typically small, and sometimes covered in hair all over. According to some traditions, the domovye take on the appearance of current or former owners of the house and have a grey beard, sometimes with tails or little horns.

So basically, Robin Williams.  Anyway, I don’t understand what anyone’s saying in this, but there’s running and shooting and some band that sounds like Evanescence.  Plus, Russian talk sounds kinda sounds like a record being played backward, so that’s pretty metal.

Watch the English teaser trailer for Mongol here

Ever since Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, I’ve been hoping for a Genghis Khan movie.  Mongols are up there with pirates and vikings when it comes to potentially awesome movie subjects.

And I’m hoping that, since this wasn’t produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, the Mongols will be depicted as the sword fighting, pee-drinking, rape-happy savages they were, and not lovable rogues who talk to animals and solve ghost stories. 

Unfortunately, I don’t know much about the director, Russian Sergei Bodrov.  At times like these, I turn to racial stereotyping.  My call is that Mongol will be bleak, stoic, and unnecessarily brutal, and will let you marry its beautiful daughter for $5,000 American dollars.  You heard it here, folks.  (opens in limited US release in June)