"Hey, X, remember when we double-teamed that dragonfly hooker at Beast's bachelor party?" -- "Of course I do, I'm psychic."

For a film being directed by the great Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Kick-Ass), pretty much all the marketing so far for X-Men: First Class has been severely underwhelming. (Though it did give me the idea for this awesome Lobster Dog poster).  The PR department seems obsessed with reminding us that this is indeed a prequel, which is silly given 1) we already know that, and 2) when was the last time anyone saw a good prequel?

Today we have a new Russian trailer which isn’t in English, but does take the novel approach of actually showing some cool footage, including Kevin Bacon in a velvet tuxedo. (The Velvet Tuxedo was my penis’ nickname in high school).   Hey, you ever wonder why they never show the mutants with really crappy mutations?  Like, “I can see 63 seconds into the future while standing in a puddle of my own urine!” or “I can manipulate sourdough bread!” Seems like that should play a more prominent role.

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This is the trailer for a Russian movie called either Invincible or Man of the East.  According to Twitch, it opens in Russia later this month.  No word yet on whether it will get a U.S. release or even a trailer with English subtitles.  But even in its untranslated form, it clearly ponders the question, “What if Michael Bay were Russian?” 

Needs more Will Smiff.

After the jump, I’ve got two trailers for the hilarious Russian spoof, Hitler Kaput.  As you can see, Hitler is to Russian comedy as cross dressing is to British comedy.  Both trailers are in Russian without subtitles, but I think you’ll enjoy them regardless of whether you speak the language.  Plus, the part where the big-titted Eva Braun sings a Britney Spears song is still in English. It’s very historically accurate – scientists say that if Eva Braun were still alive today, that’s what she’d be doing.

[Thanks to Robo for the tip]

^{WATCH THE NEW RUSSIAN TRAILER FOR X-FILES 2 AFTER THE JUMP} 

20th Century Fox has released a new trailer for X-Files 2 (X-Files: I Want to Believe).  It’s all in Russian, and it’s way better that way.  Russian isn’t the best language for, say, singing your kitty a lullaby, but it’s great for making me crap my pants in fear. 

There’s an English translation available on this site.  I don’t know who the translator is or what his credentials are, but his explanation sounds a lot more plausible than Babelfish, which said Gillian Anderson stands to inherit a sizable oil fortune but needs a cashier’s check in order to clean up a snafu at customs.  Goddamn bureaucratic red tape.    (Opens July 25th)

The video after the jump is what happens when you combine Kung Fu Panda, Russian, and the “Kung Fu Fighting” song.  It’s a music video by the band Mumiy Troll created for Kung Fu Panda.

Some languages just aren’t meant to deliver messages of joy and mirth – like when the new pope talks.  No matter what he says, it always comes out sounding like Darth Vader.  Similarly, when Russians try to act fun and happy it just seems creepy and unnatural, like a black dude playing waterpolo. 

A racist observation by way of a racist analogy. Sometimes I outdo myself.  

*Jumps through window*