"Not you, South Korea. I thought we were boys."

Sorry, Drunkards, our fair leader seems to be missing today. Vinnie must not be taking the Casey Anthony verdict very well. Poor guy, he just loves justice.

As it is pretty common with American movie distribution, Paramount and Marvel Studios knew that some countries wouldn’t be too keen on showing a movie that has such an America-friendly title, such as Captain America. But that didn’t stop them from putting their collective foot down and flexing some muscle against the rest of the world, telling them that they have a choice – they could call it Captain America: The First Avenger, just The First Avenger, or they could plant their lips on our red, white and blue butts and kiss the movie goodbye.

And wouldn’t you know it… all of the countries were pretty much cool with Captain America: The First Avenger. However, there were three countries that decided that they would rather not support us capitalist pigs.

Interestingly, most international distributors believed the franchise name was so identifiable that not using “Captain America” in the title could risk losing ticket sales.

Spokespeople for Marvel and Paramount declined to comment on why Russia, Ukraine and South Korea opted for The First Avenger. (The Hollywood Reporter)

Russia, I can understand. They’re still bitter about that whole cold war thing. Ukraine? Eh, they’ve always been Russia’s lap dog, following them around and sniffing Moscow’s butt for favors. But South Korea? I am just shocked. Have we not always been there for you, South Korea? We make fun of Kim Jong-Il and protect you from his craziness all the time. And this is how you repay us? Next you’re going to act like you didn’t learn to appreciate breakdancing from Channing Tatum and Vin Diesel. You’ve changed, South Korea. You’ve changed.

If you were around here three years ago, you might remember a Russian, Zucker-Brothers-style historical spoof called Hitler Kaput, which, involved, among other things, a busty Eva Braun singing a Britney Spears song.  The Russian dramatic tradition is sort of the reverse of Elizabethan England in that way, in that all roles, both male and female, were traditionally portrayed by women with huge breasts, and men are only just now breaking into the business. I digress, but the makers of Hitler Kaput are back with Rzhevskiy vs. Napoleon, which Twitch is calling “Napoleon Kaput”, which is a lot easier to type. But would not a record scratch by any other name still sound as… uh… zany?  THIS MOVIE IS CRAMMED WITH THEM! Some of the other things the trailer for this incredible-looking film features:

• RECORD SCRATCH TO ZOOM SHOT at 0:11.  That’s comedy’s version of double pits to chesty.
• Giant-breasted woman in a top hat whipping a wooden horse
• Another giant-breasted woman rhythmically bouncing on something while Napoleon stares (0:18)
• Close-up of comically-round, stuffed butt of man dressed as woman
• MAN SHAVED AGAINST HIS WILL! (0:23)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 2! (0:25)
• RECORDS SCRATCH NUMBER 3! (0:39)
• Mouse beheaded by tiny guillotine (0:50)
• Van Damme finally shows up, fittingly accompanied by explosion. (1:01)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 4! (1:09)

FOUR RECORD SCRATCHES, AH! AH! AH!  If this many record scratches in a single trailer (a new record?) tells us anything, it’s that after years of state-enforced austerity, Russians are finally ready to embrace excess. I applaud them. (*hangs fuzzy dice from plow*)

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I’d been hearing about this one for a few months now, and finally there’s a trailer to share.  It’s called Exporting Raymond.  It’s a documentary about the creator of Everybody Loves Raymond, Phil Rosenthal, who gets called to Moscow to help develop a Russian version of his show. Just imagine all the stupid bullsh*t you’d have to go through in order to develop a show here in America, then set that in Russia, where the biggest television studio apparently has feral dogs roaming the lot, and put the whole thing through Google Translate, and that’s basically this movie.  Suffice to say, I’m sold.

“Thees Raymond, why him funny?  I no think him funny.  And Sergei know funny.  I once kill Chechen weess banana.  …Banana wery rare een Russia.”

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Mickey Rourke sets a fine example to all the young actors out there that you can be kind of a trainwreck, but still a helluva guy.  Rourke recently visited the oncology department of a Russian hospital promoting a charity event for children with cancer.  He brought with him a black Santa Claus (ballsy move in Russia) who may or may not have been Samuel L. Jackson (it’s not Jackson, though I don’t know why, that guy will show up anywhere).  I can report to you exclusively that Mickey Rourke visiting little Russian kids with cancer is almost as cute as Mickey Rourke and his tiny dogs (that picture melts my heart every damn time).

I know it’s a cliché move, but any celebrity who visits cancer kids is alright by me.  How awkward would that be?  “Hey kid, sorry about the cancer.  Have you seen The Wrestler?”

Meanwhile, in the EnglishRussia account of the visit, they’ve got a picture of Rourke holding some sort of topless prostitute.  What the hell is going on there?  Is Russia just that much better at this whole make-a-wish thing?  I think topless chicks might just be standard at any Russian event.

TRUE STORY ASIDE: I spent a weekend in St. Petersburg last summer, and on the first night, our guide took us to this clubby bar where really hot, model-y looking women kept climbing on top of the bar and taking their shirts off (like fully topless).  It wasn’t a strip club and no one was tipping them or anything or even paying them much attention.  I kept trying to figure out what was going on, so I tapped our guide on the shoulder and asked, “Do they work here?”  She just looked at me, shrugged, and said “I don’t know,” as if the question of why a hot girl would be dancing topless on the bar had never occurred to her.

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This is the trailer for the Russian film Devil’s Flower (Цветок Дьявола), which actually finished shooting around the same time the first Twilight was beginning, and the two always shared a similar supernatural-teenage-love triangle aesthetic.  Then the financial crisis hit and the Russian director ran out of money, and Twilight became a huge hit.  I bet you can guess what happened next.

Both films look similar, so that’s probably why some Russian producer or producers gave money to finish the movie, looking on financial success of Twilight. But in return, they made Devil’s Flower look more twilight-ish. For example, they dubbed Russian actors with the same voices as in Russian dubbed version of Twilight*. They changed color schemes to make it look like Twilight. They also made the poster [after the jump] look similar to Eclipse.

The main difference from Twilight, however, is a total lack of vampires:

Instead of vampires, Devil’s Flower has Dark Magician, and boyfriend of heroine is not a vampire.
Synopsis: College student Polina has a dream of mysterious Flower on the gate of medieval castle, that continues to attract and haunt her in reality. Together with female friend that has a hobby of mysticism, they find ancient book, that carries them into mysterious world beyond reality. Now Polina is pursued not only by mysterious Flower, but by enigmatic Dark Horseman, to whom she begins to feel irresistible attraction. [via Twitchfilm]

So there’s still the love triangle angle.  And depending on how dark this horseman is, there’s still the ethnic temptation angle.  Still, I wish Stephenie Meyer had written this. ”The Devil’s Flower” would be a much better title if I knew it was an overt euphemism for the protagonist’s virginity.  But it doesn’t translate. Mainly because the Russian equivalent of abstinence is that the girl goes along with even your most perverse sexual demands, she just acts really sullen the rest of the time.

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