The other day Vince and I were making S’mores and chatting about life, when he pointed out that 2011 was the 20th anniversary of the end of the Cold War, that era in world history when everyone lived in pants-crapping fear that the U.S. and Russia were going to destroy us all. More importantly than global genocide and the threat of a nuclear holocaust, the Cold War had an undeniable impact on the movie industry, most notably in creating one of the easiest and most overused plot devices of the last 50 years.

Obviously, the Cold War gave us classics like Dr. Strangelove, The Manchurian Candidate, and the entire James Bond franchise. It also gave us The Hunt for Red October and Tom Clancy’s career, as well as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and wherever else Shia LeBeouf and his grandfather Harrison Ford take us. It gave us The Manhattan Project, The Good Shepherd, Thirteen Days, Top Gun, Good Night, and Good Luck, and even Salt, which was a modern reminder of just how hilariously off-the-wall – and flat out terrible – some Cold War films were.

In fact, those are the films that I want to celebrate – the movies that both embraced the terrifying nightmare of global war and laughed in the face of four decades of silent terror. Because without them, we’d probably all be living in mountain bunkers or adapting to our tentacles.

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Remember when Bradley Cooper melted off all the girls panties by conducting an interview in French? Here’s Mila Kunis with the Russian equivalent to give boners to all the dudes.

At a press conference for Friends with Benefits in Moscow, a reporter asked Justin Timberlake why he’s making movies and not music. When Timberlake didn’t respond right away because of a delay in translation, Mila Kunis, whose family moved to Los Angeles from the Ukraine when she was seven (partly because she’s Jewish, and the former Soviet Union isn’t the least anti-Semitic place in the world), jumped in and got all confrontational with the reporter (which I believe is the Russian language’s primary function).

“Why movies? Why not?” Kunis, who moved to California from Ukraine at age 7, testily replied. “What kind of question is that? Why are you here?” [DailyWhat]

It seems like she said more than that, but unfortunately I’m a dumb singuilingular American and I can’t translate it. Using her secret Russian skills for of all things to defend Justin Timberlake is kind of like Superman using his heat vision to warm up a hot pocket in the break room at the Daily Planet. I have to say, this seems a little less sexy than the Bradley Cooper version. Mainly because now I have to imagine life with Mila to involve (in addition the mind-blowing sex), her haggling with the clerk at the convenient store, her feeling disrespected by a cab driver, her demanding an apology from a rude bouncer at a club… and her dressing them down, all while you hold her purse and have that stupid, sheepish look of not-quite-understanding on your face like Timberlake in the video. But, you know… that could just be the casual racism talking.

[video via HuffingtonPost]

This is just your basic, impromptu, pick-up MMA fight that starts when a guy jumps into the pool at a Russian dolphin park. A six-way fist fight on the edge of a slippery dolphin pool, sure, just your average day in Russia. Strangely, the fight lasts until the 1:40 mark before the tall guy finally figures out that they should’ve been going shirts vs. skins. Good call, tall guy. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I hope this is viral marketing for the Russian version of Dolphin Tale, because it looks awesome.

Either that or “Dolphin MMA” could become the logical successor to Whale Wars. Fun fact about Russian dolphins: They drink like fish!

[via Buzzfeed]

The DailyMail peppered this story with stills from Pulp Fiction, so who am I to say that it isn’t TOTALLY film-related? According to the story, Russian hairdresser Olga Zajac (pictured — doesn’t pixellating her face make her seem more guilty??), 28, caught 32-year-old Viktor Jasinski breaking into her salon in Meshchovsk. That’s when she did what any upstanding business lady would do in that situation: she beat him up with karate, tied him to a chair, and kept him as her sex slave for three days.

Viktor Jasinski, 32, admitted to police that he had gone to the salon with the intention of robbing it. But the tables were turned dramatically when he found himself overcome by owner Olga Zajac, 28, who happened to be a black belt in karate. She allegedly floored the would-be robber with a single kick.
Then, in a scene reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction [my God, it's like they wrote this with the specific intention of getting it featured on FilmDrunk. -Ed.], police say Zajac dragged the semi-conscious Jasinski to a back room of the salon and tied him up with a hair dryer cable.
She allegedly stripped him naked and, for the next three days, used him as a sex slave to ‘teach him a lesson’ – force feeding him Viagra to keep the lesson going.
The would-be robber was eventually released, with Zajak [sic] saying he had learned his lesson.
Jasinski went straight to the police and told them of his back-room ordeal, saying that he had been held hostage, handcuffed naked to a radiator, and fed nothing but Viagra. Both have now been arrested.
When police arrived to question Zahjac [sic - that's THREE different spellings of the same name now, if you're keeping score at home... -Ed], she said: ‘What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left.” [DailyMail]

Haha, cool story, Russian mail-order bride industry I mean Daily Mail. Frickin’ Russian chicks, man. Always strong-arming strange men into having sex with them over and over until they’re completely drained of fluids. Classic Russkie move. WHO WILL STOP THIS SCOURGE OF HOT WET VAGINA CRIME? Not the police. It’s corrupt over there. Why, the force is lousy with hussy hush money. No, this sounds like a job for… Fyodor Caineskiy, Indiscriminate Sex Crimes Unit.

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"Not you, South Korea. I thought we were boys."

Sorry, Drunkards, our fair leader seems to be missing today. Vinnie must not be taking the Casey Anthony verdict very well. Poor guy, he just loves justice.

As it is pretty common with American movie distribution, Paramount and Marvel Studios knew that some countries wouldn’t be too keen on showing a movie that has such an America-friendly title, such as Captain America. But that didn’t stop them from putting their collective foot down and flexing some muscle against the rest of the world, telling them that they have a choice – they could call it Captain America: The First Avenger, just The First Avenger, or they could plant their lips on our red, white and blue butts and kiss the movie goodbye.

And wouldn’t you know it… all of the countries were pretty much cool with Captain America: The First Avenger. However, there were three countries that decided that they would rather not support us capitalist pigs.

Interestingly, most international distributors believed the franchise name was so identifiable that not using “Captain America” in the title could risk losing ticket sales.

Spokespeople for Marvel and Paramount declined to comment on why Russia, Ukraine and South Korea opted for The First Avenger. (The Hollywood Reporter)

Russia, I can understand. They’re still bitter about that whole cold war thing. Ukraine? Eh, they’ve always been Russia’s lap dog, following them around and sniffing Moscow’s butt for favors. But South Korea? I am just shocked. Have we not always been there for you, South Korea? We make fun of Kim Jong-Il and protect you from his craziness all the time. And this is how you repay us? Next you’re going to act like you didn’t learn to appreciate breakdancing from Channing Tatum and Vin Diesel. You’ve changed, South Korea. You’ve changed.