I’m not even getting cute with that headline, that’s the actual story.  It sounds like it was written by the Family Guy manatees, but Michael Jackson used to make prank phone calls to Russell Crowe.

The brooding hunk [say what now?] has revealed that after he shot to fame in police thriller L.A. Confidential, he gained a series of new celebrity friends. He became good pals with the late singing superstar and the pair shared a similar sense of humour so often played pranks on each other. Jackson would regularly phone Crowe and try to convince him he was in trouble, much to the actor’s amusement.

“A gruff voice would say something was wrong, then this tiny little voice said, ‘Don’t worry. This is Michael,’” Crowe told GQ magazine.

Crowe admits he hasn’t always been the victim of prank phone calls – he has also made some in the past. When he was shooting L.A. Confidential, the star would leave rude voice mails for James Ellroy, who wrote the book the movie was based on. During one message, Russell left a rhyme for James which said, “Woof-woof, hear the demon dog bark. He’s got a 12-inch wanger and it glows in the dark”. [Stuff via ScreenJunkies]

It’s unfortunate, all this time I thought that when Russell Crowe shouted “HERE’S JACKO” and fired a cell phone at my skull, it was because he was upset that the buffet ran out early.  Turns out he was just excited because Michael Jackson was on the phone.  You are a cool dude, Russell Crowe.  You relate well to people.  Don’t let anyone tell you different.  No one else could tell a story about a 90-pound Scientologist with a prosthetic nose and still come off the crazy one.  I wonder if it’s Russell Crowe who’s been prank calling me.  Sometimes I pick up the phone late at night and all I hear is thirty odd foot of grunts.

Just beyond his co-star's shoulder, Russell Crowe spotted the last crab cake

A while back, I told you about Nicole LaPorte’s tell-all book about Dreamworks, specifically the part where she claims Steven Spielberg is obsessed with secrecy.  The book comes out next month, and Gawker today has a few new excerpts, these ones concerning Russell Crowe.  You’ll never believe this, but they paint him as quick to anger and a bit of a prima donna. I refused to believe it at first, and got so mad I threw a cell phone at my own reflection.

You motherf*cker. I will kill you with my bare hands.”
“Hello?” Branko Lustig said, confused and barely awake; it was, after all, 3 a.m. in England.
“You motherf*cker,” the speaker repeated.
“Who’s on the phone? Who is this?” Lustig demanded.
When Russell Crowe identified himself, the genuinely terrified Lustig, one of the producers of the about-to-be-filmed Gladiator, hung up and called Steven Spielberg in Los Angeles.
“Steven,” he said. “I’m leaving. Russell wants to kill me. I’m leaving.”
Having survived a concentration camp, Lustig was not taking any chances.
Crowe, not yet Russell Crowe, but still just another verkakte Australian coming off a sleeper (L.A. Confidential), was sour because he believed DreamWorks was low-balling his assistants on their per diems. Rather than raise this grievance at a mundane daylight hour, Crowe opted for a more dramatic statement, a tactic not unknown in these parts. The actor’s recent behavior had been erratic, just like everything else on the project.

Well that’s outrageous.  I’ve heard Nic Cage once threatened to kill someone with his bear hands, but he was just method acting on the set of Wicker Man. Haha, good one, Jay.  But wait!  There’s more!

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Russell Crowe robs from the rich and gives in to his po’boy addiction in this new international poster for Ridley Scott’s “Gladiator of Robin Hood movies,” opening May 14th. This is a sad commentary on my life, but because of the internet, now very time I see a fat person eating I hear “OM NOM NOM NOM” in my head as a reflex.  A couple times I accidentally said it under my breath.  These cutesy memes will be the death of me, I just know it.

I believe the hierarchy of Robin Hoods now goes Kevin Costner < Russell Crowe < Carey Elwes < Errol Flynn < A cartoon fox.

[via ComingSoon]

On May 14th, forest tights come in husky sizes.  That’s when Ridley Scott’s Gladiator of Robin Hood movies opens, starring Russell Crowe as plus-sized Robin Hood, Mark Strong, and Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian.  The theme of this one seems to be Robin’s continued belief, as his father taught him, that “Kings have a need of their subjects.”  Meanwhile the king thinks, “Yes, for without them, who’s village would I burn down and women rape? Nigh for the king’s subjects doth not going to rape thyselves.”

Then they have a debate about it, and it’s my favorite kind of debate, where they shoot arrows at each other.  Then Robin and Marian have to share a bed, and she threatens to cut his wiener off if he tries anything.  But I bet you $10 they still fall in love.  I’m so excited, this is gonna be just like Leap Year!

Oh hey look, I just found an outtake from one of Russell Crowe’s love scenes:

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Yahoo just released the Super Bowl TV spot for Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe, Mark Strong, and Cate Blanchett.  I have to admit, it looks kind of badass, which basically leaves me with nothing but cheap and not-even-that-accurate fat jokes.  In fact, I spent the last hour trying to create a Photoshop that involved Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood and the phrase “Let them eat cake!”, but it didn’t really turn out.  Looks like you’ve won this round, Crowe.  *pets cat, plots revenge*