"I said GET ON THE ARK, ZEBRAS."

So Darren Aronofsky is making a movie about the story of Noah, the Biblical figure who loaded up animals two by two on an ark when God got mad and flooded the world. I, for one, thought any and all ark-related movies had been made irrelevant by the cinematic masterpiece Evan Almighty, but I guess that’s Hollywood for you. Always pissing on the classics for a buck. Anyway, Aronofsky is getting ready to start casting, so the rumor mill is kicking into high gear. Throw some sh-t against the wall, Deadline.

Darren Aronofsky is ready to set sail on Noah, the Biblical story of Noah’s Ark. I’m hearing that the Black Swan director wants Russell Crowe to play the title role in the New Regency/Paramount film. I can’t tell you that this is all going to lead to a deal but signs are pointing that way. I have also heard Aronofsky wants The Grey star Liam Neeson for another role.

RUSSELL CROWE AND LIAM NEESON WRANGLE ANIMALS: THE MOVIE! Pleaseohpease let this be true. Everything about it is terrific, at least in the funhouse that is my brain right now. I mean, think of all the possibilities: stories leaking from the set about Russell Crowe yelling at animals on and off-camera and throwing tantrums about their lack off professionalism, a scene where the bears are being uncooperative so Liam Neeson punches them repeatedly in the face and drags their unconscious bodies onto the ark, Noah being a big fat guy who got hungry and ate the unicorns halfway through the flood (thus explaining their absence from the animal kingdom), etc. It’s all too perfect.

Make it so, universe.

Yesterday, the Daily Mail published photos of Russell Crowe in costume as Jor-El on the set of Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel, under the classy/awesome headline “Paunchy Russell Crowe suits up to play Superman’s dad (but can’t keep away from his own kryptonite… nicotine).”

That’s right, they’ve got pictures of Russell Crowe smoking cigarettes in his Superman costume. And they’re sublime, as all Disneyland-character-on-a-smoke-break pictures tend to be. Though I would argue the analogy that cigarettes are “his kryptonite” is flawed. If Russell Crowe was superman, his powers would mainly consist of being a big fat Australian, and cigarettes don’t detract from that. They’re more like an accessory. I’d call them his cape. He probably just finished a big meat pie and needed to blow off some steam. Also, I realize he’s not even that fat, but it’s fun to make fat jokes anyway. He actually looks pretty much like any aging Australian. Americans just get sort of bloated as they age, like Alec Baldwin or John Travolta. British dudes somehow just keep getting skinnier until the old version looks a like a skeleton wearing the young version’s skin like baggy clothes. Canadians don’t go through a physical transformation so much as go completely nuts, a la Aykroyd, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey… As you can see with Russell Crowe, Australians just turn into pot-bellied good-old boys. Look at him. He looks like he’s about to make a racist generalization. And you won’t hold be able to hold against him because he’s just too jolly.

I’m not sure what happens to Kiwis when they age. I don’t think many people make it past the age of 47 in New Zealand without killing themselves out of sheer boredom.

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According to Variety, Russell Crowe, champion of intact foreskins and hilarious Jew hats, beat out Sean Penn and Clive Owen for the role of Superman’s biological father, Jor-El, in the upcoming Chris Nolan-produced, Zack Snyder-directed Man of Steel. Variety makes it sound as if the decision was Nolan’s rather than Snyder’s, which seems like a good rule of thumb for this film in general.

Crowe joins Henry Cavill as Superman, Kevin Costner and Dianne Lane as the Kents, Amy Adams as Lois, and Michael Shannon as Zod. Crowe hopes to be the equal of 1978 Jor-El Marlon Brando, in both acting ability and craft services budget.  You don’t spit into the wind, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and with Crowe on board, you DEFINITELY don’t tug on his foreskin. This time around, Superman will wear a cape AND a hood.  Which should help him in his fight with a “giant spider” in the third act, something something, peel before Zod, thanks, folks, tip your waiters, Anthony Weiner’s penis, try the steak.  (*bass run, scattered applause, clinking silverware*)

[production begins next month from a David Goyer script]

Recently, a group of dumb hippies gathered enough signatures to get a bill on the ballot in San Francisco that would make it a crime to perform circumcisions (even at a hospital).  Because clearly there weren’t already enough frivolous causes to make liberals look bad here. And obviously, lowering the risk of contracting HIV doesn’t justify allowing these barbarians to harmlessly peel back their baby’s wiener skin like they’ve already been doing for 2000 years***. Aaaaanyway, now Hollywood superstar Russell Crowe has weighed in on the issue, coming down hard (because he’s fat, get it?) on the side of the forskinivists****.  Crowe recently Tweeted:

- “Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature?” [says the fat f*ck driving a sports car and eating a Twinkie]
- “Is it real that God requires a donation of foreskin? Babies are perfect.” [except for the not being able to feed themselves and drooling part]
- “I love my Jewish friends, I love the apples and the honey and the funny little hats, but stop cutting your babies.” [Jews invented apples and honey?  Maybe he means lox and money.]
- “I will always stand for the perfection of babies. I will always believe in God, not man’s interpretation of what God requires.” [Oh Jesus, I don't even know where to start with this one]
- “Last of it, if you feel it is your right to cut things off your babies please unfollow and f**k off; I’ll take attentive parenting over barbarism.” [via WWTDD]

Hahahahaha, ‘funny little Jew hats’.  And that was him trying to be PC.  God, I wish every celebrity was a drunk Australian.

***I’d love to know what the kids with the clipboards outside Whole Foods told people to get them to sign up for this. Excuse me, sir? Do you have a minute for baby penises?

****Pointless trivia: When I was in Australia, circumcised men were known as “helmets,” uncircumcised men as “squids.”

The dark sunglasses disguise his eyes while staring at your sandwich.

A few years ago, Russell Crowe took an Australian reporter on a brutal, 12-mile bike ride to punish her for writing an article making fun of him for eating three tacos and smoking cigarettes after working out with his personal trainer.   After a recent appearance at a charity cricket match in New Zealand, he’s going to need a lot more bicycles.  On the plus side, those little cycling hats with the upturned brims are a perfect place to hold your taco while you smoke a cigarette.

The 46-year-old seemed to have packed on the pounds when he appeared at a charity cricket match in Wellington, New Zealand, over the weekend. And as he took his place in the line-up at the match – in aid of victims of the recent earthquake in Christchurch – he was looking decidedly portly.

(*star donates his time for charity*)  THE PRESS: “Haha, look at the fattie!  Hey, fattie!  Look over here so we can take your fat picture!  Whoa, back up, lard ass, I’ve only got one camera!  Haha, look at him wheeze while he picks up that legless orphan, he’s all out of breath from the fatness!”

The actor has in the past confessed to gaining weight for roles, having put on over 60lb to play a CIA chief in the 2008 film Body Of Lies. He said at the time that he indulged in burgers for breakfast as well as cupcakes to pile on the pounds for the role.

CROWE: “Oi, Ridley, you said all CIA chiefs are super fat, right?”
RIDLEY SCOTT: “What?”
CROWE: (*mouth full of sausage roll*)

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