Separated at birth?

According to Deadline, earlier rumors were true and Russell Crowe has finalized a deal to play Noah in Darren Aronofsky’s “edgy” retelling of the biblical story. In other news, the word “edgy” is officially meaningless now. At one point, the film’s budget was rumored to be upwards of $100 million, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case anymore. In any case, it’s set to begin production in July, some time after Crowe gives birth to Superman.

At one point Christian Bale coming off The Dark Knight Rises was Aronofsky’s choice for the title character. But the dates didn’t work because Bale was committed to doing the Terrence Malick-directed Lawless and Knight Of Cups being made back to back. It took several more months for Aronofsky to fix on Crowe which is great casting since he’s one of those larger than life actors able to take on such an iconic role. [Toldja.com]

Ha, ‘larger than life.’ Anyway, I like Russell Crowe as an actor almost as much as I like making fun of him for being fat, so this should be great (and by fat I mean average for an Australian man his age). My sources tell me Aronofsky decided Crowe was perfect for the part after standing behind him at the Beverly Wilshire breakfast bar and hearing him shout “GIVE ME TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL!”

Man that’s an easy joke.

"Two gravy pies, please."

While that story about Russell Crowe and Liam Neeson punching animals into an Ark for Darren Aronofsky is still just a rumor, Vulture has an insider who claims Crowe is currently onboard to star in a Dracula re-imagining called Harker. No word on how Crowe came to be attached to the script; my guess is barbecue sauce.

Our spies tell us that Warner Bros. is in talks with Russell Crowe about starring in Harker, a reimagining of Bram Stoker’s Dracula that’s being produced by Leonardo DiCaprio. It tells the vampire story from the point of view of Jonathan Harker, who — instead of his traditional role as a lawyer — is now a Scotland Yard detective investigating the Count’s string of grisly murders in England.

The project (co-written by Lee Shipman and Vulture contributing vampire expert Brian McGreevy) began gathering steam at Warner Bros. around this time last year, when director Jaume Collet-Serra (Unknown, Orphan) became attached. [Vulture]

If you’ll remember, Orphan was the secret dwarf hooker movie starring mini-Madonna, so I hope for a similar twist here. Anyway, we’ve already got Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter coming out, so under the circumstances, I’m not particularly surprised to hear that we can also expect Gladiator: Dracula Cop (how much better is my title???). My only hope is that for Joe King’s sake, there’s a scene where Detective Harker walks into the crime scene, dabs his two fingers in a pool of blood, smells the fingers, then narrows his eyes and says solemnly, “…This is period.”

cinemafestival / Shutterstock.com

"I said GET ON THE ARK, ZEBRAS."

So Darren Aronofsky is making a movie about the story of Noah, the Biblical figure who loaded up animals two by two on an ark when God got mad and flooded the world. I, for one, thought any and all ark-related movies had been made irrelevant by the cinematic masterpiece Evan Almighty, but I guess that’s Hollywood for you. Always pissing on the classics for a buck. Anyway, Aronofsky is getting ready to start casting, so the rumor mill is kicking into high gear. Throw some sh-t against the wall, Deadline.

Darren Aronofsky is ready to set sail on Noah, the Biblical story of Noah’s Ark. I’m hearing that the Black Swan director wants Russell Crowe to play the title role in the New Regency/Paramount film. I can’t tell you that this is all going to lead to a deal but signs are pointing that way. I have also heard Aronofsky wants The Grey star Liam Neeson for another role.

RUSSELL CROWE AND LIAM NEESON WRANGLE ANIMALS: THE MOVIE! Pleaseohpease let this be true. Everything about it is terrific, at least in the funhouse that is my brain right now. I mean, think of all the possibilities: stories leaking from the set about Russell Crowe yelling at animals on and off-camera and throwing tantrums about their lack off professionalism, a scene where the bears are being uncooperative so Liam Neeson punches them repeatedly in the face and drags their unconscious bodies onto the ark, Noah being a big fat guy who got hungry and ate the unicorns halfway through the flood (thus explaining their absence from the animal kingdom), etc. It’s all too perfect.

Make it so, universe.

Yesterday, the Daily Mail published photos of Russell Crowe in costume as Jor-El on the set of Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel, under the classy/awesome headline “Paunchy Russell Crowe suits up to play Superman’s dad (but can’t keep away from his own kryptonite… nicotine).”

That’s right, they’ve got pictures of Russell Crowe smoking cigarettes in his Superman costume. And they’re sublime, as all Disneyland-character-on-a-smoke-break pictures tend to be. Though I would argue the analogy that cigarettes are “his kryptonite” is flawed. If Russell Crowe was superman, his powers would mainly consist of being a big fat Australian, and cigarettes don’t detract from that. They’re more like an accessory. I’d call them his cape. He probably just finished a big meat pie and needed to blow off some steam. Also, I realize he’s not even that fat, but it’s fun to make fat jokes anyway. He actually looks pretty much like any aging Australian. Americans just get sort of bloated as they age, like Alec Baldwin or John Travolta. British dudes somehow just keep getting skinnier until the old version looks a like a skeleton wearing the young version’s skin like baggy clothes. Canadians don’t go through a physical transformation so much as go completely nuts, a la Aykroyd, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey… As you can see with Russell Crowe, Australians just turn into pot-bellied good-old boys. Look at him. He looks like he’s about to make a racist generalization. And you won’t hold be able to hold against him because he’s just too jolly.

I’m not sure what happens to Kiwis when they age. I don’t think many people make it past the age of 47 in New Zealand without killing themselves out of sheer boredom.

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According to Variety, Russell Crowe, champion of intact foreskins and hilarious Jew hats, beat out Sean Penn and Clive Owen for the role of Superman’s biological father, Jor-El, in the upcoming Chris Nolan-produced, Zack Snyder-directed Man of Steel. Variety makes it sound as if the decision was Nolan’s rather than Snyder’s, which seems like a good rule of thumb for this film in general.

Crowe joins Henry Cavill as Superman, Kevin Costner and Dianne Lane as the Kents, Amy Adams as Lois, and Michael Shannon as Zod. Crowe hopes to be the equal of 1978 Jor-El Marlon Brando, in both acting ability and craft services budget.  You don’t spit into the wind, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and with Crowe on board, you DEFINITELY don’t tug on his foreskin. This time around, Superman will wear a cape AND a hood.  Which should help him in his fight with a “giant spider” in the third act, something something, peel before Zod, thanks, folks, tip your waiters, Anthony Weiner’s penis, try the steak.  (*bass run, scattered applause, clinking silverware*)

[production begins next month from a David Goyer script]