OPENING TODAY*:

21
I love Kevin Spacey. But I don’t trust a movie that expects me to believe that everyone on the math team at MIT is an attractive Caucasian.

Run, Fatboy, Run
Starring Simon Pegg, written by Simon Pegg and Michael Ian Black. Reviews have been mixed at best, but I’m willing to give Pegg the benefit of the doubt after Hot Fuzz, and for telling the truth. If the movie fails, we can assume it was all David Schwimmer’s fault, just like the holocaust.

Stop-Loss
It’s received strong reviews from Rolling Stone and the LA Times, but somehow I don’t trust MTV Films with important social issues. Now if the soldiers formed a hip hop dance crew to save the rec center…

Superhero Movie
A spoof movie that looks better than Meet the Spartans, which is basically like saying it looks funnier than being told you have penis cancer.

American Zombie
This time, it’s a zombie mockumentary. Probably would’ve earned a B+ in high school video productions class. Hey, you think The Cranberries get royalties for these movies?  Zo-om-bay, zo-om-bay, zo-om-bay, eh, eh, ayay ooooooooh, ayayayyyyyyyy…. 

Flawless
The Demi Moore/Michael Caine diamond heist movie. It’s getting decent reviews. Plus you can ‘ear Demi Moore attempt an English accent – Oh, ‘allo! Shoyne ya boots, guvna? 

Priceless
French film starring Audrey Tatou.  She makes my weiner tingle.  I like how in France, being a baller means riding around on a vespa.  In America it makes you a kooky lesbian. 

Chapter 27
Jared Leto gained 60 pounds to play murderer/lardass Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27 – or as it’s known to its investors, Chapter 11. [that's a burn]. 

Verdict: Movies? Who cares!  Petra the Swan and the Paddleboat are an item again! 

In recent months, Petra had struck up a relationship with a real white swan. However, he abandoned her last weekend — and officials decided to reunite her with the boat, which was returned to its owner only last week.

Oh crap, I guess that wasn’t as uplifting as previously thought. 

*Your mom’s legs! Haha! Jk, LOL.

In other Simon Pegg-related news, it looks like we dirty Americans are going have to wait until MARCH FREAKIN' 28TH for Run, Fatboy, Run (trailer here).  I blame David Schwimmer.  I know he's only the director, but somehow he's responsible.  (Though I do applaud his use of proper punctuation, unlike those illiterate bastards behind Run Lola Run).

This movie has been out in England forever already, and we have to wait until 2008?!  I'll be old then!  Gah, I'm sick of this; Simon Pegg movies, pies with meat in them, beef-flavored potato chips, pale chicks with fucked up teeth; the British get all the fun stuff.  Okay, maybe not that last one.  

If you didn't see Hot Fuzz, you suck and I hate you.  It was hilarious, and written so much like a South Park episode that Trey and Matt should get royalties.

In any case, Simon Pegg's got another movie coming out.  It's called Run, Fatboy, Run, and, like your whore of a mother, it's something I can really get behind.  For one thing, the title's properly punctuated, unlike those dumb Krauts who did Run Lola Run, and for another, the trailer has "Chelsea Dagger" by the Fratellis in it.  I think it's a fun pirate song, even if Brendan says it sounds like the song they would sing at the end of a Scooby Doo episode where the bad guy takes off his mask and starts dancing.