The opening title card of Gangster Squad says “inspired by a true story,” which is pretty funny, considering the movie immediately following it is Sin City meets Young Guns in the form of a Jimmy Cagney parody. As I was watching it, I couldn’t help but think “wait, wait, slow down, which part of this is the true part? Is it the black guy who throws knives? The evil mobster who says things like ‘I miss that red snatch!’ and ‘you know the drill,’ before he kills guys with a power drill? Ooh, or maybe it’s the lead evil henchman with a scarred eye, or the part where the cop and the bad guy drop their weapons to ‘settle it like men’ in a climactic fist fight!” Goodness, am I even going to be able to review this without a history degree? Books should have more slow-motion shell casings falling to the floor, I always say.

I haven’t read Tales from the Gangster Squad, the stylized non-fiction book by LA Times reporter Paul Lieberman (collected from his series in the Times) upon which the Will Beall script was based, but as far as I can tell, the true part of Gangster Squad is that some of the names and places are real, as well as a couple throwaway lines about Frank Sinatra and the idea that there was a unit called “the gangster squad” in the first place. The rest? Let’s just say… liberties seem to have been taken. I can’t help but doubt the veracity of a movie that begins with a fake-nosed Sean Penn laughing as he has an enemy torn in half by two cars pulling in opposite directions. “Do ya woist, Mickey!”, the doomed guy shouts, defiant until the bitter end, as eighties action movie logic would dictate. No need for empathy here! When underlings fail him, Penn’s Cohen has them shot, burned alive, murdered with power drills, etc., like the Darth Vader of Sin City, only without Frank Miller’s penchant for high contrast and constant crotch trauma. I realize “Mickey Cohen” was a real guy, but if we depicted Al Capone as a mustache-twirling evil-doer, cackling as he tied a swooning dame to the railroad tracks, what would the compelling part of that be? That it was… uh… inspired by… true-ishness? I don’t get it.

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Two new big trailers released last night/today, Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty and Ruben Fleischer’s Gangster Squad. Watch ‘em both below, ya lucky so-and-so.

Zero Dark Thirty
You can’t overhype the pedigree here, with Kathryn Bigelow reteamed with her Hurt Locker screenwriter Mark Boal and a cast that includes Jessica Chastain, Chris Pratt, and Mark Strong, taking on the events of the Bin Laden raid. Oh and look, it’s Kyle Chandler playing a government dude again. Oh Kyle Chandler, why do you love the government so? But I’m not gonna lie, I’m not sold on this. Can you name me a single example of a good movie that was made depicting events as recent as this? It takes time to digest history into nice, nuanced story. They couldn’t have made Argo in 1981. Maybe they’ll prove me wrong, but so far I’m seeing a lot of explosions and dramatic music without a lot of substantive content. Plus the title sounds like bad dialog from an interracial porno. “Come here, baby, you know what time it is. Aw yeah, girl, isss zero dark thirty.” (*schlong*)

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"These hands touched ScarJo's titties. Wanna smell 'em?"

We already knew WB was reshooting Gangster Squad to take out the scene where the characters shoot people in a theater out of respect to the Aurora shooting victims, now it seems that reshoot is going to delay the movie, originally scheduled for September 7th, possibly until 2013.

The move is necessary to accomodate reshoots because of a scene of a movie theater shooting in the completed film that became problematic in the wake of the Aurora, Colo. massacre.
One date the studio is looking at is Jan. 11. Before making a final decision, though, the studio is currently looking at several factors, according to sources, such as how quickly the cast can be reassembled for the reshoot, concerns about cast availibility to do press in January and the competition on the calendar. The only other release currently scheduled for Jan. 11 is Paramount’s Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, starring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton. [THR]

I don’t understand how a movie that’s set in the forties is going to remind people of a shooting that happened in 2012, or, especially, how delaying the release of a movie is supposed to be respectful to a group of people who were united only by their desire to be the first to see a movie. But PR was never about making sense, only the appearance of making sense. This is bullsh*t. At a time like this, this country needs Baby Goose now more than ever. He’s the original uniter! He breaks up street fights with hugs! He stops traffic accidents using only his strong yet gentle arms! Wherever you stand on the gun control debate (and please please please, don’t feel the need to tell me), I think we can all agree that if Baby Goose had been in The Dark Knight Rises, this never would’ve happened. Huggalos Unite.

"I'm taking this cigarette. They're bad for your health, girl. Here, inhale this carnation."

Remember what I said this morning about empty gestures in the aftermath of the Aurora shootings? Set phasers to “durp.”

And the studio moved swiftly Friday to pull from exhibs and online outlets the trailer for “Gangster Squad,” a period drama that featured a scene in which agents spray machine-gun fire into a crowded movie theater from behind the screen. Given the eerie association created by the Aurora shootings, Warner Bros. has since decided to remove the scene from the film, which opens Sept. 7, and is putting reshoot plans into motion, a source with knowledge of the situation told Variety. Warner Bros. would not comment.

Hmm, well I’ve heard rumblings about Gangster Squad reshoots for other reasons, maybe they just threw this one in because it was convenient. Oh, and by the way, this whole gesture is cheapened somewhat by the fact that it came to us by way of a Variety piece that includes the word “bizzer”:

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No one was really sure what to think about Gangster Squad after the release date got

“Mmm’yeah, dame, you look like you could use a hug, see?”

“Hand ovah the wallet* on the double, or else I’ll fill ya fulla tickles! *I wanna monogram it for you.”

“You’ll never take me alive, coppah! In fact, I’ll drive us instead, that way you can have a drink. Go ahead, live it up, you deserve it for working so hard.”

“Oh, a wiseguy, eh? You must’ve studied pretty hard to be so smart. Here, have a bran muffin.”

“Your hands ain’t so clean! Here, try some lavender soap, girl.”

“I didn’t ask ya for any lip! Not on the first date. I respect your boundaries, girl. Care for some Grapefruit?”

“It was you, Fredo. You stole my heart. You’re the best goldfish ever.”

Jeez, this is fun. How about we make it a trending topic? #GangsterBabyGoose. Go.

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