Do these look like two guys about to rob a bank and possibly explode?

“Why did someone make this?” Sadly, that was the question on my mind almost from the first minute to the last during 30 Minutes or Less. I don’t understand why you’d take a lurid, darkly absurd tale of kidnappings, hitmen, and bomb vests and try to turn it into the most broad, bland, Borscht-belt schmucky chuckle fest possible. This movie is like watching Jay Leno tell pedophilia jokes, but less interesting. It’s not the LEAST funny movie I’ve ever seen (hello, Dinner for Schmucks), probably because you couldn’t make a totally unfunny movie with this cast if you tried, but you could tell this story was fundamentally flawed from the first five minutes.

Why did Ruben Fleischer want to tell this story, exactly? Because it seems like his interest wasn’t so much what people might do in these situations, but what jokes actors might make while wearing their costumes. Danny McBride and Nick Swardson come the closest (they’re supposed to be crazy, at least), but no one seems quite committed to the concept. Fleischer said in an interview that he wanted Fargo to be his point of reference, but “without any of the darkness” — which is actually 30 Minutes or Less‘s fatal flaw. It plays more like Family Guy, where the premise is just a planter box for interchangeable jokes about queefs and Emmanuel Lewis. Actually there weren’t any queef jokes. That would’ve been an improvement.

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From the first minute I heard about it, I (like most people, I imagine) assumed that 30 Minutes or Less, the new film opening this weekend in which Jesse Eisenberg plays a pizza boy who gets a bomb strapped to him by kidnappers and ordered to rob a bank, had been inspired by the real-life collar bomb case from 2003. It seemed like an interesting and ballsy (if weird) idea. Now the family of Brian Wells, the original collar bomb victim who had his head blown off while TV cameras rolled, tell the press that they’re upset that people would make light of such an event — a perfect, predictable, open-ended, keep-the-news-cycle-going type story (SHOULD A REAL-LIFE TRAGEDY BE PLAYED FOR COMEDY??? FIND OUT, AT ELEVEN!).

Wells’ sister, Jean Heid of Erie, said the movie isn’t funny — whether or not it was inspired by her brother’s sad fate.
“It’s hard for me to grasp how other human beings can take delight and pride in making such a movie and consider it a comedy,” Heid said in an e-mailed response to The Associated Press.  [ABC]

The twist is, the filmmakers (director Ruben Fleischer and the producers, at least, the writers still haven’t commented) are adamant that their movie has nothing to do with the Brian Wells case and claim they hadn’t even heard of it — which is a load of bullsh*t so stinky they should be disgusted to have it come out of their mouths, but we’ll get to that in a second.

Moviefone: The family of Brian Wells has spoken out against the film, and some audience members think it’s poor taste to do a comedic version of the story. What would you say to those people who think the movie is bad form?

Ruben Fleischer: Well first of all, anyone who hasn’t seen the movie can’t judge. Because they haven’t seen the movie, and it doesn’t really relate to that story other than the fact that there’s a bomb strapped to somebody’s chest. They’re not really related in any way, so I think a lot of people are prejudging it without information.

Well first of all, I have seen the movie (review forthcoming), and I will judge, and it won’t be prejudging because I’m not even sure that’s a real word. But first, here’s the official statement from the studio:

“Neither the filmmakers nor the stars of ’30 Minutes or Less’ were aware of this crime prior to their involvement in the film,” Steve Elzer, the senior vice president who handles media relations for Sony Pictures’ Columbia TriStar Motion Picture Group, said in a statement. “The writers were vaguely familiar with what had occurred and wrote an original screenplay that does not mirror the real-life tragedy.”

Vaguely familiar, eh? We’ll see about that.

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30 Minutes or Less is a comedy from Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer, starring Jesse Eisenberg, Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride, and Nick Swardson, based on the real-life collar bomb case from 2003. In the real-life version, the bomber was actually part of the robbery plot, though he thought the bomb was going to be fake.  He tried to back out when he found out the explosives were real, but his accomplices forced him to wear it at gun point, and, in yet another strange turn, gave him a shotgun made out of a cane to use in the robbery. He was eventually caught by the cops and killed when his friends, afraid that he’d turn state’s witness against them, detonated the bomb while news cameras were rolling.

In theory, I like the idea of turning the story into a dark comedy, but based on the trailer, I’m not sure how seriously I can take the danger when the characters are making cheesy jokes about it the whole time.  It looks like they forgot the “dark” part.  Like, if me and my fat buddy were running from Nazis through the ghettos of Warsaw like Schindler’s List and dogs were nipping at my heels as he was taking too long to get over a fence, I doubt I’d be like, “Dammit, Herschel! I told you not to have that second knish!”

Opens August 12th.

And Pugsy Siegel blows yet another casting call.

Question marks in the headline mean only one thing: EjacuSpeculation time! According to Nikki Fink’s dubious gossip rag, Josh Brolin is in negotiations to join Sean Penn and Baby Goose in Ruben Fleischer’s “Gangster Squad.” What, was “Mafia Crime” already taken?

“Warner Bros has begun negotiating with Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling and Josh Brolin to star in Gangster Squad, the Will Beall-scripted crime drama that will be directed by Zombieland helmer Ruben Fleischer. Production will begin in the fall. The linchpin of the film is Los Angeles mobster Mickey Cohen, which is the role that Penn is in talks to play. Gosling and Brolin are in talks to play two cops assigned to bring him down when the gangster’s penchant for violence leaves the blood of innocents on the street.” [Deadline]

This is still in the early stages, and I hope they’re able to make this happen since it sounds really cool, but I’m worried that the prospect of a hardscrabble Brolin teaming-up with an naively optimistic Gosling to take down Penn’s over-the-top Jewish kingpin is just too good to be true.

CHIEF: Yer a loose cannon, McPunchington! You can’t just beat a suspect in custody!

BROLIN: Seems like I just did, Chief. *takes swig from flask, smiles haggardly*

CHIEF: That’s it, yer off the case, Detective! Send in the kid.

BROLIN: Detective Snugfeather? He doesn’t even carry a gun! He says they’re too loud.

[interrogation room door flies open]

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Ruben Fleischer made his directorial debut with the 2009 zombie comedy Zombieland and his second effort, 30 Minutes or Less has a new red band trailer, and I think it may be safe to say that Ruben and I are going to be great friends.

Zombieland was a hit-or-miss film for most people that I know, but I loved it, and after watching this trailer I think it might be impossible to dislike 30 Minutes or Less, which is about a pizza delivery boy (Jesse Eisenberg) who is abducted by two men in monkey suits (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson) who strap a bomb vest to his chest and force him to rob a bank. His only recourse is to beg his friend (Aziz Ansari) for help…

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