Being the mega-important movie blog impresario that I am, I was able to score a screener copy of Rubber, the movie about the psychic tire that explodes peoples’ heads, about a week ago.  Only my DVD drive crapped out on me and I still haven’t found a place to watch it.  And now, my screener is all but worthless because the film is already available on OnDemand to you, the idiot layman, the undulating masses.  Magnet Releasing debuted a new poster for the film, which will also hit select theaters April 1st.

Here’s the synopsis again, because I think the poster glosses over an important plot point, the fact that the tire is named Robert.

RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with.  [Apple]

My God, that is just the Charlie Sheen of movie synopses. The only thing that could make this better is if Arnold Schwarzenegger was there to deliver Commando one liners.  “You’ll have to excuse my friend — he’s dead TIRE’d.”

Shut up, I was already leaving.

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I still remember where I was the first time I saw the teaser for Rubber.  I was sitting here on my jack-off couch, writing about it.  (What? I didn’t say it was a good story.)  I remember it because Rubber is a movie about a psycho-kinetic tire that explodes people’s heads.  Additionally, the tire is named “Robert.” That seems important.

RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with, and truly a movie villain for the ages. In theaters April 1st.  [Apple]

Rubber was directed by Quentin Dupieux, a “legendary electro musician” also known as Mr. Oizo.  Do you know how awesome a movie would have to be for me not to make fun of it for being directed by a French techno musician (that’s like the pink unicorn of gay horses!)?  It would have to be scrotum-clenchingly kickass.  It would have to be about an evil tire.

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A while back I brought you the trailer for Rubber, which is actually about a psychic tire that explodes peoples’ heads.  THANK GOD.  And if that weren’t awesome enough, the tire is named “Robert.”  It goes without saying that I must see this film.  Now, thanks to Magnet Releasing and Magnolia Pictures, I may get that chance.

Magnet Releasing, the genre arm of Magnolia Pictures, announced today that it has acquired US rights to “Rubber”, which is currently screening as part of Cannes Critic’s Week. Directed by Quentin Dupieux [Pieux! Pieux!] (“Steak,” “Nonfilm”) [aka Mr. Oizo], the film tells the story of Robert, an inanimate tire (yes, a tire) that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the landscape, he discovers that he possesses “telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move.” [IndieWire]

This sounds amazing. It reminds me a lot of my script for Dry Hump Sandwich, the Sandwich that Dry Humps. (FYI, the sandwich is named Charles. He’s horny from being trapped inside a fridge.).

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This is the short teaser trailer for Rubber, soon to play as an entry in the International Critic’s Week competition at Cannes.  Yes, it’s about a tire that kills people with psychic powers. Let that sink in for a minute.  This may become the best film ever written.

In the Californian desert, an incredulous audience attends a telepathic tire’s adventures which is mysteriously attracted by a beautiful young lady. An investigation begins.

Rubber is the story of a tire named Robert who, after discovering a pile of burning tires, decides to avenge his people by blowing up people’s heads … like tires. [QuietEarth via /Film]

I don’t think it’s too far fetched to believe a tire could make people’s heads explodes, considering a synopsis just made my dick swell.  But please, tell me more about this beautiful young lady with whom the tire falls in love.  Is she Caucasian?  Could the tire roll up and loudly inquire “Where the white women at?”  Because so far you’re doing everything right and that would just be the cherry on the sundae.

[even more pictures over at Twitch]

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the best possessed inanimate object movie?