Meat Slay Love

You’ll never hear me arguing that the 1982, Arnold Schwarzenegger version of Conan the Barbarian was any kind of watershed moment in cinema, but the new version from Marcus Nispel (a music video director who specializes in remakes) is still enough to make you nostalgic. It’s hard to pinpoint specific reasons why this tits, muscles, and gore-filled fantasy exploitation is dead eyed and hollow compared to the tit-filled, musclesploitation film from whence it sprung, it’s just that feeling you get when stupid people try to recreate things they think are cool. Like when strip mall strippers try to look like blonde playmates from the seventies and they come out looking like more crispy-haired versions of Coco Ice with bigger implants. Or when untalented musicians try to be Guns and Roses and end up Papa Roach. You know all they saw in the first place was blonde hair and big tits, or loud guitars and angry vocals, so it follows that when they went to recreate that, they were like, “Well NOW it has BLONDER hair and BIGGER tits, and LOUDER guitars and ANGRIER vocals! How much more do you love it, fagg*t!”

Gone are any sense of whimsy or kitsch, replaced by needy, semi-mean-spirited posturing. Nispel doesn’t so much tell a story as spend 90 minutes trying to gross out squares to prove his goth cred. It can occasionally be funny watching dimwits try to offend when they lack the creativity, but it’s funny in a sad way. That’s sort of the movie in a nutshell.

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This is the trailer for 50 Dead Men Walking, based on the story of Martin McGartland, a British police recruit who infiltrates the IRA.  It stars Jim Sturgess, Ben Kingsley, and Rose McGowan.  It’s also the film that convinced Rose that she would’ve joined the IRA, if only she’d been born a Northern Irishman instead of a slutty actress.

Other notes: the song in the beginning is “Alternative Ulster” by the Stiff Little Fingers, and if you don’t like that song, it’s probably because you’re a f-cking idiot.  Also: did anyone understand a single word of dialogue in that entire trailer?  It’s no wonder Irish people are drunk all the time. Whenever they talk to me I just have to take a sip of my beer and nod like I understood.  It’s true, taint bells are furrikin, I totally agree.

[via ThePlaylist]

Movies-online recently broke this new poster for Red Sonja, starring Rose McGowan, which is being produced by her boyfriend Robert Rodriguez.  This movie is going to be horrible, but I have to admit that the new poster plays to her strengths: her cleavage and my desire to see her get stabbed in the head with a sword.

In related news, I gave a hooker a Red Sonja once.  Once.

A day after the producers of Fifty Dead Men Walking (which also stars Ben Kingsley – that’s his POA wife in the pic) distanced themselves from dumb things Rose McGowan said, they were criticized by the guy whose real-life story inspired the script.

Martin McGartland… said that director Kari Skogland should never have allowed former IRA volunteers to provide security and creative input during last year’s Belfast shoot.
“(Skogland) should certainly not have been negotiating with the IRA to be able to film in certain areas of Belfast and she should never have allowed former IRA terrorists to be on set while filming,” he said.
Skogland and her cast last week told the media in Toronto that former IRA volunteers had helped onscreen authenticity by providing tips on how to make bombs and torture IRA informants.
McGartland also fingered the Canadian government [Hee hee!] for investing in a film that was made with the help, and apparent support, of a terrorist organization. [THR]

If you’re keeping score at home, that makes three feature stories about this movie, all covering basically the same non-controversy.  I’m annoyed they’re getting so much press.  Especially while my erotic yet tasteful epic, Fifty Dead Chicks Pissing, continues to be ignored by the corporate media.

A while back, Rose McGowan was allowed to talk, and not surprisingly, she said something stupid.  She told reporters she would’ve joined the IRA back in the day, and she knows all about the struggle because she was in a movie.  Today, the film’s producers are expressing their total support for her.  Ha, just kidding of course.

Guy Collins [one of Fifty Dead Men Walking’s producers] said that he and the other producers “were surprised and disappointed by the comments made by McGowan.”

Added director Kari Skogland: “Rose’s personal opinions of Northern Ireland do not reflect the perspective of the film in any way. Our goal was to present an even, nonjudgmental point of view so the audience could follow the path of an informer with empathy no matter what the politics.” [Thanks to Karen at THR]

So yeah, pretty much your basic, run-of-the-mill insincere corporate apology letter.  Kind of a non-story, but hey! doesn’t Rose McGowan suck?