To answer the question in the headline: Cher, Judd Apatow, Adam Sandler, Jon Favreau, and Sylvester Stallone.  They’ll all be doing voices for The Zookeeper, starring Kevin James and Rosario Dawson (I used her for the accompanying photo, because as I think you’ll agree, her boobs are huge).  The film revolves around zoo animals teaching Kevin James how to not be such a fat loser, a script which, no joke, sold for three million dollars.

Sandler, whose Happy Madison shingle is also a producer on the pic, will voice a capuchin monkey. Cher’s voicing a giraffe, Favreau a bear, Stallone a lion and Apatow an elephant.  Jim Breuer, Faizon Love and Bas Rutten round out the voice cast.
Pic centers on zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their methods of dating and mating to help him win back the woman of his dreams.  [Variety]

I will bet you $1000 right now that at some point, the Sandler monkey’s love advice will involve throwing feces.  No way they’re passing up that joke.  The funny thing is, The Zookeeper is a dumber idea for a movie than any of the fake movies in Funny People.

Variety today reports that beautifully big-breasted actress Rosario Dawson has signed on for The Zookeeper, opposite Kevin James.  What’s The Zookeeper, you ask?  I’ve told you before, but you probably repressed the memory like the time your uncle showed you the bananafish.

Live actioner centers on zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their methods of dating and mating to help him win back the woman of his dreams.

(*pounds head on desk*)

Project reteams “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” producers James, Sussman and Garner (“Sorcerer’s Apprentice”). MGM won a bidding war last year for the “Zookeeper” spec, paying $2 million against $3 million, while the studio was ramping up a slate of homegrown projects.

(*cocks pistol, aims at temple*).

Writer: “I WROTE A SCRIPT!”
MGM Exec: “OMG WHATS IT ABOUT!”
Writer: “ITS LIKE HITCH, BUT WILL SMITH IS A ZEBRA!”
MGM Exec: “I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION:  DOES IT RAP!”
Writer: “HAHA! OF COURSE!”
MGM Exec: “OMG PRICELESS! HERE’S TWO MILLION DOLLARS! LET’S HOLD HANDS AND F*CK!”

^{Yes, that’s it. You look so pretty when you mash your giant boobs together.}

After the jump, I’ve got the newly released trailer for Seven Pounds, starring Will Smith and Rosario Dawson, from the director of The Pursuit of Happyness.

Ben (Will Smith) is an IRS agent who is depressed and guilt-ridden about mistakes from his past. He sets out to make amends by helping seven strangers. When he meets Emily (Rosario Dawson), a beautiful woman with a heart condition, he falls in love with her, thereby complicating his plans. Woody Harrelson also appears as a blind pianist who befriends Ben.

Meh, whatever. I’d much rather see Rosario Dawson in a remake of Seven Pounds for Seven Brothers. That was a sexy film.
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^{Watch the trailer here}

Not to be confused with The Descent, the schlocklicious 2005 spelunking movie, Descent is an indie starring Rosario Dawson, who…

…plays the most controversial character of her career: a promising college student who becomes bent on seeking revenge after a shocking act of violence is committed on her. The feature debut of co-writer/ director/producer Talia Lugacy, Descent is a film that unnervingly tackles some of the country’s most taboo subjects.

The trailer doesn't really hint at what this shocking act of violence is, but it does make me question my own sexuality. Rosario Dawson is the only chick I look at and go, "Man, she's hot," and then two seconds later think, "She kinda looks like a drag queen." I worry that I may have contracted a bit of the gay from the Hairspray poster that was outside my window for a few weeks. Bottom line, my penis is confused.

On another note, does this remind anyone else of Secretary? I smell another movie too enamored with its own edginess and "taboo breaking" to realize that it's boring. C'mon, people, I just watched a priest take a dump in a nun's mouth on the internet, you really think a little S&M's gonna expand my horizons?