"Quit it with the AC Slater stuff. Don't you respect chairs?"

I haven’t read the Stieg Larsson books or seen the Swedish-language film adaptations, so you’ll get no comparisons here (GOD, I’M SO IGNORANT!), but as rendered by David Fincher, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is basically an above-average murder mystery with a sloppy ending, mostly unnoteworthy — but for one thing: Lisbeth Salander, who, as a character, is damn near groundbreaking, and no, dummy, it’s not because she dresses like suicide girl Barbie. With Salander, Fincher/Larsson do right by “strong female heroin” in a way that movies have been f*cking up for probably 100 years. Then they totally screw it up again, but we’ll get to that later.

Daniel Craig plays Mikael Blomkvist, a recently-disgraced journalist (loser of a high-profile libel suit by a wealthy industrialist) who gets hired by another wealthy industrialist, this one retired, played by Christopher Plummer, to investigate a decades-old murder. Plummer comes from a family of kooky ex-Nazis (Stieg Larsson was himself a journalist who investigated right-wing extremists), almost all of whom still live on a sleepy island in the north of Sweden (with shades of Wicker Man, Insomnia). Plummer wants Craig to find out how his niece disappeared into thin air one day at a family reunion back in the 60s. In exchange, Plummer promises to provide Craig some dirt on the industrialist who disgraced him. Rooney Mara’s Lisbeth Salander, a bisexual, antisocial ward of the state with a photographic memory, works with a firm of investigators. She comes into the picture first as the operative who does the background check on Craig for Plummer, but soon she and Craig find themselves working together on the murder. OOH, DOES ANYONE ELSE SMELL AN UNLIKELY PARTNERSHIP? I’ll be your Danny Glover. Just let me get my merkin.

Family secrets! Wealthy benefactors! Taunting serial killers! Political intrigue! It’s basic stuff, but mostly well done. The first two-thirds of the film have that deliberate, non-gimmicky, slow-build pacing of Zodiac, probably Fincher’s most solid film (Fight Club was ten times more provocative, but it also had a disappointing, semi-nonsensical ending). It’s a hard-boiled mystery, well-told, with a solid ensemble cast. At least until the end, when the bad guy turns out to be a half-assed, mostly motiveless, token evil white guy straight out of a Law and Order episode. GRRR, I’M A WHITE PATRIARCHAL OLIGARCH, THE ONLY THING THAT GETS ME HARD IS OPPRESSING THE DOWNTRODDEN! If Dragon Tatoo doesn’t shit the bed at the end, it at least farts it up pretty bad. The last third is almost a total disappointment, without even taking into account how badly you’ll probably have to pee by then, considering the almost two hour and forty minute running time.

But let’s be honest, we wouldn’t be talking about it, and it wouldn’t have sold 27 million books and spawned two separate film franchises if it was just an above-average murder mystery. Basic cable is lousy with those. It’s the Salander character that sets it apart. Because finally, there’s a female hero who isn’t just a male hero in disguise, indistinguishable but for a bow slapped on her head like Ms. Pacman. The female protagonists we’re used to seeing in movies like Colombiana, Hanna, Salt, etc. (to limit it just to a few that came out in the last year or two) are just traditional male protagonists with the gender swapped (Salt was even originally written for a dude, and was made with few changes). They overcome obstacles the way male heroes would, with fistfights and parkour. Aside from the fact that watching a 100-pound girl beat up 200-pound henchmen just isn’t believable, it isn’t that satisfying to watch a chick beat dudes by out-duding them. It’d be like the Allies defeating the Axis by being better at Fascism. The old “girls can do anything boys can do” narrative is fundamentally flawed because it assumes girls want to do everything boys do. It basically starts with an expectation of inferiority, and refutes it in a token, anecdotal way. Tattoos and piercings and silly suicide girl anti-establishment clichés aside, Salander is at least a lot more cleverly written than the usual ass-kicking skank in tights. (Freudians could read some strap-on imagery into Salander’s use of a dildo as a weapon and her choice of a speedy, phallic motorcycle, but I’m going to call it coincidence). She’s rare and transcendent in that she spends the entire film as someone who doesn’t seek or require validation from men (or anyone, for that matter).

All that would be great, but it also makes final scene that much more unfortunate. SPOILER BREAK! LEAVE NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PIECE!

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The final scene basically takes everything that was compelling and different about the Salander character, crumples it up, and takes a dump on its merkin. After an overreaching sequence (a glossed-over heist-ish scene that’s sort of the opposite of the grounded, slow-build first and second act) in which Salander uses her computer-hacking $killz to come into a great deal of money, she uses her cash to buy Daniel Craig’s character (whom she matter-of-factly seduced a few scenes earlier in one of the film’s best sequences) a fancy jacket. But, when she takes it to him for the expected happy reunion scene, she sees him back with his old girlfriend. She chucks the jacket in a dumpster in a huff, and rides off on her motorcycle. Fin. Uhhh… was that supposed to be empowering? How do you take a character whom you took great pains to build into this independent, empowering hero in the first two acts and turn her into just another woman scorned? It destroys everything you’ve built. They build Salander into this hard luck case who refused to be a victim and sought sexual satisfaction in an unconventional, unapologetic way, but the way they end it, it turns out she’s really just a simple reactionary, falling for the first dude who isn’t a total dick to her (which is also wildly far-fetched, given this girl’s history, but that’s another story). All of that and it turns out she’s just a victim after all? The usual wounded-dove bullshit? What a disappointment. The enduring impression of Dragon Tattoo is of film that hints promisingly at being something special, but ultimately settles for being mostly mundane.

GRADE: B

Subtle, right?

“Rooney Mara’s Merkin” — it sounds like the best illustrated children’s book that’s never been written, doesn’t it? That was the subject of a recent interview with Dragon Tattoo star Mara in Metro, the nation’s leading source of pube-based crotch journalism. Actual headline: “Rooney Mara: The girl with the strawberry merkin.” They make it sound so delicious, don’t the? Which is impressive considering we’re talking about something that was originally designed to conceal venereal disease amongst Victorian prostitutes.

Metro: What’s the one part of Lisbeth that’s depicted in the movie that might get overlooked, a detail that you hope people catch?
Rooney Mara: I can’t think of a serious answer to that question, but I can think of a ridiculous answer to that question.

Ridiculous answers work, too.
Well, her merkin. There was a lot of discussion that went into my merkin for the movie, because I was naked quite a lot. And I don’t think a lot of people will notice all of the attention that went into that. But there was a lot of discussions around that.

What sort of discussions are we talking about?
Well, you know, in the book she’s meant to have strawberry-blonde hair originally and she dyes it, so we had a special merkin made that was, you know, strawberry-blonde so that it would fit. [laughs] [Metro via CinemaBlend]

So this chick shaves her eyebrows but grows her muff long a poofy? Talk about having your priorities out of whack. I sure hope Daniel Craig straightens her out. He looks like he knows a thing or two about proper grooming.

"Hey girl, trust me, this is in self defense."

FilmDrunk favorite and gentleman snuggler Ryan Gosling is currently filming Lawless, a gangster film directed by Terrence Malick and co-starring Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara. Lawless is actually one of two new Malick projects in the works – both starring Bale but only one starring Baby Goose :( – but at least it is the only one that lets us witness Gosling with a machine gun. Is there nothing sexier on this planet, ladies? Actually, I suppose it would be better if he were shirtless and riding a lion like He-Man with Bale in a sidecar made of biceps, but we’re gonna have to settle for this.

The banner image is one of a few new stills that were recently released from the set of Lawless, but most of them were just Baby Goose being his lovable, charming self and mingling with the crew and fans. It’s good that he was being so affable with everyone, though, because rumor has it that Bale was actually firing a machine gun into the crowds. I don’t know if that is true or not, but it just sounds right.

[Editor's Note: The machine gun pictures are actually from Gangster Squad, from Ruben Fleischer (hopefully it's better than 30 Minutes or Less). Don't worry, I'll be sure to tan Burnsy's ass for this error.]

(Images via CeleBuzz and Splash.)

“Hey girl, this is a Tommy gun, but you should call it a Thomas gun in formal settings.”

“Hey girl, the only cartridge I’m familiar with works with a Nintendo.”

“Hey girl, it’s OK, the scary guns are gone now.”

“Shhhhhh, it’s OK, girl. It’s OK.”

Clothing retailer H&M recently announced a partnership with Trish Summerville, the costume designer who worked on David Fincher’s English version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, to produce a clothing line based on Dragon Tattoo heroine Lisbeth Salander (played by Rooney Mara in the film). Because nothing says chic like bleached eyebrows and a history of rape.

H&M have collaborated with Trish Summerville, the revered costume designer who worked on the English film version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo , to add an urban, edgy twist to 30 pieces, all with the unmistakeable essence of Lisbeth Salander.

Judging by the picture, this appears to be one of the rare occasions when you’ll be able to read “urban” as a corporate adjective and it won’t be code for “for black people.”

Battered jeans, cropped leather jackets and hoodies make up the uniform of the private detective, who is played by breakout American actress Rooney Mara. “We took her [Salander's] basic pieces that we used throughout the film and did a little more fashionable version for H&M,” explains Summerville, who scoured resale shops in Sweden – where the film is set – for much of the character’s wardrobe.
Accessories including knitted snoods, backpacks and tribal earrings also feature alongside roughed-up leather boots and platform wedges.

What the f*ck is a “snood?” (*googles*) A knitted head scarf? Huh. Looks like it’d make a great hippie hairnet, but somehow I doubt the person wearing it will be doing much cooking.

The collection will be stocked under the retailer’s Divided range and will debut exclusively at Colette in Paris on November 28. On December 14, the range will then be go on sale in 180 selected stores H&M stores worldwide and online. [via the UK Telegraph]

Eh, they look mostly like your basic scummy, sh*tty unflattering asexual hipster clothes (smells like cloves right out of the box!). I just hope the Twilight costume designer doesn’t seen this and start getting ideas. “This fall, inspired by Kellen Lutz… It’s the ‘Mega-Huge Gaywad Collection,’ new from Hot Topic.”

David Fincher’s take on Stieg Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo opens December 21st, and with Swedish-rape-crime fever just starting to heat up, the latest issue of Vogue has a feature on Rooney Mara, the actress who would be Lisbeth Salander. There are a few interesting tidbits in the article, including Fincher’s explanation of why Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t work as Lisbeth Salander, even though she’s Scandinavian (half Danish), and I think we all can agree she would’ve been a pretty great choice for that bare-tittie poster.

“We flew in people from New Zealand and Swaziland and all over the place,” he says. “Look, we saw some amazing people. Scarlett Johansson was great. It was a great audition, I’m telling you. But the thing with Scarlett is, you can’t wait for her to take her clothes off.” He stops for a moment. “I keep trying to explain this. Salander should be like E.T. If you put E.T. dolls out before anyone had seen the movie, they would say, ‘What is this little squishy thing?’ Well, you know what? When he hides under the table and he grabs the Reese’s Pieces, you love him! It has to be like that.”

“See, Scarlett Johansson is squishy. Gloriously squishy, like you can’t wait to get your hands on her. Rooney, she’s more like E.T. She gets naked and no one even notices unless she’s under a table trying to feed you Reese’s Pieces, you know?” Uh, cool story, David Fincher?

Meanwhile, I’d say Kirsten Dunst has been vindicated, at least in regard to her theory about her boobs being too big for Antichrist. I don’t know if I agree with her and Fincher that big-breasted actresses shouldn’t be cast in certain parts, but I will say this: fret not, voluptuous ladies. You’ll always get a fair shake when I’m around. (*mimes boob squeeze, bike horn sound*)

But that’s not the only interesting thing to come out of the profile. There’s also some stuff about rape and David Fincher as stern taskmaster. Hmmm, I made those two things sound much more related than I meant to.

[Rooney Mara and David Fincher's] relationship, it quickly becomes clear, is charged with the electric current of the mentor-protégée crush, which is both touching and occasionally uncomfortable to watch. Or, as Daniel Craig, who costars as a crusading journalist named Mikael Blomkvist, says about their working relationship, “It’s f*cking weird!”

“I was only on The Social Network for four days, so I didn’t really get to know anyone,” says Mara.
“Twenty-four hundred takes,” says Fincher.
“Twenty-four hundred takes but only four days,” says Mara.
“It was a foundation,” says Fincher. “It was a, Wow, here’s someone who just keeps trying. Try this, try this, try this. . . . ”

I had a mentor-protégée relationship that was charged with an electric current once. I didn’t mind that part so much. It was the stiletto heels on my testes that really kept me from coming back.

And so began an agonizing period for Mara. “It was like, ‘Come in. We need you to do this, we need you to do that.’ That’s all I thought about and all I did for weeks.” She mentions a time Fincher said, “Go out and get really, really drunk and come in the next morning so we can take pictures of you.” He wanted to show Sony that she could look strung out. “And I did it!” says Mara. “Threw up all night!”

Oh, actors. So gullible. Then again, it’s not that hard to convince most 24-year-olds to get drunk all night and come to work hungover. I would’ve been great for this part.

As for the film, Fincher declined to show the writer a rape scene, but he did allow this:

“I’ll show you this,” he says. “It’s pretty heartbreaking.” It is the scene in which Salander goes to the office of her new social worker, Nils Bjurman, played with shuddersome menace by Yorick van Wageningen, and it slowly dawns on her that he is a monster who has total control over her money and her life. The scene is agonizing to watch as it slowly becomes apparent that he is going to sodomize her. Nothing is left to the imagination. [Vogue via CinemaBlend]

Oh, David Fincher, you had me graphic sodomy. I’ve been saying, that’s what’s missing from most Hollywood movies these days. It’s like, look, bro, I’m not paying you twelve bucks to leave the sodomy to my imagination. I can imagine sodomy at my house.

The 90-second teaser for David Fincher’s remake of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo came out back in May and people lost their sh*t, so I can only imagine what’s going to happen now that we have almost four minutes of it. I wasn’t as impressed with the first one as everyone else seemed to be, mainly because it was just random action cut to the beat of music, and that’s like high school video editing 101. Cutting video to music makes it look cool: fact. It’s kind of cheating. Anyway, this new one has no such tricks. Just four minutes of intrigue from the movie without really giving away much about the plot. Pretty damn impressive.

The film is based on Stieg Larsson’s internationally best-selling novel centering on a murder mystery looking as far back as 40 years at the disappearance of Harriet Vanger, a scion of one of Sweden’s wealthiest families. All these years later, her aged uncle continues to seek the truth. He hires Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig), a crusading journalist recently trapped by a libel conviction, to investigate. He is aided by the pierced and tattooed punk prodigy Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara). Together they tap into a vein of unfathomable iniquity and astonishing corruption. [RopeofSilicon]

Anyone else find it strange that the original book was in Swedish, as was the first film adaptation, and now that we have an English version, it’s still set in Sweden, but now all the Swedes speak English with different accents? There are two or three Englishman, Rooney Mara sounds Scandinavian, a couple vaguely Germanic-sounding dudes — we always just accept it because it sounds fancy and continental, but it makes no logical sense. Just once I’d like to see them try this with a chola, some dudes from Mississippi, three Hawaiians, and a Ukrainian. It’d be like a murder mystery set at my apartment complex. “Hey, Bra. I know you’re lesbo or whatever, but I hear you’re pretty good at investigateen. You know, for a haole.”

“Fack you, cawksuckah, can’t you see I’m fackin’ busy? Didn’t ya queah mothah evah teach you ta knawk?”

"Can you help us catch the eyebrow thief who did this, Lispeth?"

No eyebrows = nothing to lose. Opens December 21st. [via TheDailyWhat]

I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED!

Unlike The Great Gatsby, I haven’t actually read Stieg Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (thanks a lot, high school English class), so I may not be the best person to explain what’s going on in these new pictures from David Fincher’s adaptation (opening December 21st). Here’s what I do know: that’s Rooney “boring tits” Mara as Dame Lizardbreath von Salamander on the left, consoling Dutch actor Yorick van Wageningen (as Nils Bjurman), whose last name seems to have at least one vestigial syllable. I’m not sure what he’s so upset about. Maybe a møøse bit his sister?

That’s Christopher Plummer (as Henrik Vanger) showing Daniel Craig what he looks like in the mirror. “Tuck in your f*cking shirt, you’re James Bond for Christ’s sake,” he seems to say.

Here’s Daniel Craig playing the traditional Swedish sport, “Catch the Scotch.”

[pictures via Empire]

(trailer on the following page)

Serious.

I’ve already posted three posters with different versions of this same picture from David Fincher’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but in this new version, Rooney Mara’s booblets are EVEN CLEARER, so I figure I better post it since I can’t imagine anything more riveting than that. I had to post the full, uncensored version after the jump below, because, as Entertainment Weekly notes, this thing is “extremely NSFW.”  And boy, nothing drives home the sheer absurdity of things we consider taboo like the fact that one, partially-uncovered nipple can be considered “extremely unsafe” to view at work.  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, IT’S AN AREOLA THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING!

Rooney Mara seems perfectly cute, but that is one of the more boring titties I’ve ever seen.  Not even when I considered the swimsuit edition hardcore porn and could climax to a stiff breeze would this have given more than minor chub.  At best, a light plumping, like a Ballpark frank.

(here’s the trailer, in case you’re interested):

The red-band trailer for David Fincher’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo leaked its way online.  Fincher’s much-anticipated remake of the 2009 Swedish film, based on the first of author Stieg Larssen’s Millennium Series, opens December 21st, starring Rooney Mara, Daniel Craig, Stellan Skarsgård, and Christopher Plummer, among others.  This is the bootleg, buttcam version of the trailer (with the official version supposedly hitting this Thursday), so watch it while you can before it gets pulled.  A lot of people like to get all self-righteous about not posting bootleg trailers, but the way I look at it, it’s an advertisement for a movie, not the polio vaccine.

As for the trailer, it seems like you’d have to be a big fan of the book or the Swedish movie to get much out of it.  It’s just out-of-context shots set to music, the first lesson of any high school video productions class.  Ooh, you mean it seems cooler if I set the cuts to the drumbeat of a Led Zeppelin song?  Call the Pulitzer committee, I think I’ve made an important discovery. At least it’s not little kids singing Radiohead this time, that’d make a hobo taking a dump seem epic.

Perez Hilton is reporting that actress Rooney Mara has been “severely injured” on the set of David Fincher’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in Sweden.  Take that with a grain of salt, because it’s Perez Hilton, and the only things I’d trust that fat mongoloid to do are blow things* out of proportion and not know what words like “serious” mean.  For what it’s worth, here’s some google translated text from Perez’ Swedish source:

Rooney Mara seriously injured when she was preparing for the role of Lisbeth Salander.
Now Hollywood filming of “Men Who Hate Women in danger.”
On Monday came the shooting of the lavish movie started. Scenes with extras filmed in Ingarö in the Stockholm archipelago.
Now Amusement sheet reveal that Rooney Mara, 25, who will play Lisbeth Salander, have been injured so severely in the shoulder that several major recording days to be moved.

My guess is that by “serious injury”, they mean she dislocated her shoulder, and Perez took the opportunity to write something breathy and shrill.  But what do I know, I’m just a man who hates women in danger.  Seriously, this is the picture Perez used as his banner image.  I heard he would’ve made her a “Get Well Soon” card out of construction paper, macaroni, and glue, but he ended up eating all the macaroni and glue.

*no homo… er, yes, homo. (*sigh*)  I don’t even know anymore.

UPDATE: My assumption was that something probably happened, and Perez’ account, based on a mainstream news report, was just highly exaggerated. Now Sony says the story is “not true at all.”  Meanwhile, I’ve upgraded my official account to (*dismissive wank*).