This is the first teaser trailer for Season of the Witch, from Gone in 60 Seconds director Dominic Sena, starring Nic Cage and Ron Perlman — that is, a guy whose face looks like a mask and a guy who’s usually wearing one, ha ch-cha cha cha.

14th-century knights transport a suspected witch to a monastery, where monks deduce her powers could be the source of the Black Plague.

I have to say, this trailer is a complete failure.  It chooses to focus solely on the spooky-Halloween-movie angle while ignoring the one aspect, which, above all else, is really going to sell this flick:  Nic Cage on a horse, motherf-cker!  POW!

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_{Malkovich ruins the shitter again}

The Mutant Chronicles has a new trailer out and you can watch it after the jump.  It stars John Malkovich, Ron Perlman, and Thomas Jane.  Thomas Jane seems to have quite the fan club, though I’m not sure why.  Has he ever been in a good movie?  Anyway, this basically looks like Armageddon with mutants.  And mutants are basically like zombies but more athletic.  And Ron Perlman is basically John Malkovich crossed with a shar pei.
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^{Watch out, he steals chihuahuas!}

In Season of the Witch, Gone in 60 Seconds/Swordfish director Dominic Sena directs Nic Cage and Ron Perlman as “two 14th-century knights who transport a suspected witch to a monastery, where monks deduce her powers could be the source of the Black Plague.” Bottom line, this movie sounds f-cking awesome.

I assume they chose Nic Cage’s forehead and Ron Perlman’s face to transport the witch so she’d be left to assume her sorcery would have no effect on them.

I’m also attaching a picture of this guy, because I’m pretty sure he caused the plague.

[Picture Source]

Dominic Monaghan stars opposite Ron Perlman in I Sell the Dead, a rare film in which Perlman isn’t covered in makeup and prosthetics.

In 18th Century England, a young graverobber, played by Monaghan, finds himself condemned to death for his crimes, with only a priest (Perlman) for company for his last night before the gallows. A hilarious tale is told of a life spent digging up and selling supernatural corpses including vampires and zombies, and the many shenanigans involved!

Looks alright I guess.  The important thing is that they never bring back Monaghan’s character on Lost.  God I hated that whiny pussy.  I haven’t been so happy to see someone drown since I was a lifeguard.  Whackety schmackety dooo…

With Hancock, Hulk, The Dark Knight, Wall E, Wanted and everything else that’s out or opening in the next few weeks, it’s almost like Hellboy 2 has slipped through the cracks – like a fart, or queef.  To jog your memory, they’ve released the third official trailer (above), a featurette, an animated comic, and a clip introducing Johann Crause (all after the jump). 

With a signature blend of action, humor and character-based spectacle, the saga of the world’s toughest, kitten-loving hero from Hell continues to unfold in Hellboy II: The Golden Army.  Bigger muscle, badder weapons and more ungodly villains arrive in an epic vision of imagination from Oscar-nominated director Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy). After an ancient truce existing between humankind and the invisible realm of the fantastic is broken, hell on Earth is ready to erupt.  A ruthless leader who treads the world above and the one below defies his bloodline and awakens an unstoppable army of creatures.  Now, it’s up to the planet’s toughest, roughest superhero to battle the merciless dictator and his marauders. [Apple]

I watched all of these videos and didn’t see any kittens.  I call false advertising. 

Johann Kraus