Coming soon to DVD and Blu Ray is The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption, a film sure to delight even the most discerning of silly wig enthusiasts. It pits Billy Zane against Ron Perlman in an epic battle of scene-chewing wig wearing that could tear the world asunder, not to mention an elephant. It features cameos by the WWE’s Dave Bautista and an Asian chick who does Hadoukens. But let’s be honest, “starring Billy Zane and Kimbo Slice” is the only tagline a movie needs, the greatest tagline in the history of film — nay, the written word. God willing, someday that phrase will adorn the invitations to my wedding reception.

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Hey girl, hands at 10 and 2, and no text is worth your life.

We first heard about Ryan Gosling’s action star turn in Drive back in February when Vinnie told us about the casting news for the remake of Logan’s Run. Until now, all we really knew about Drive was that it was a favorite at Cannes (it won for Best Director) and it has our beloved cuddlebug Baby Goose playing a stunt man who moonlights as a getaway driver. Somewhere Jason Statham is angrily doing pull-ups.

Now we have a red band trailer for Drive, and I don’t know if it’s because it’s Friday and I don’t have any court-mandated community service to perform this weekend or what, but I am really digging me some trailers today. Obviously I have a soft spot for Gosling, even though he gets off on shutting down Twitter parody accounts but I’m clearly over that, so it should be expected that I would favor this movie.

But throw in Bryan Cranston, Ron Perlman, Albert Brooks and Christina Hendricks, and not to mention this new angry Goose is ruffling my feathers in all the right places… I mean, GRRRRRRRR LEARN HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OWN OIL YOU PRIUS-DRIVING CRANK SHAFT!

Trailer after the jump, but it requires that you enter a birth date. Normally Baby Goose would tell you to be honest, but Rated R Goose says, “To heck with it.”

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Like our boy C-Tates playing a Roman Centurion, some actors are just inherently hilarious in a period piece.  Such is the case with Nic Cage playing a good sir knight of the round forehead in this new Season of the Witch trailer (directed by Gone in 60 Seconds‘ Dominic Sena, co-starring Ron “Hellboy” Perlman). I defy you not to laugh at Nic Cage’s first line of dialog.  No one else could turn “…That fewer still would believe,” into such a riotous punch line. I also love that 98% of the trailer is pure exposition, and the actors all deliver it like they’re just killing time until the end of their shift in five minutes.

“You are the legendary knight sir Cage.”
“I might be.”
“Shall we sword fight now?”
“(*shrugs*) Whatever.”

I love it.  This could be the next Jonah Hex.  At the very least, it should be a great opportunity to see Nic Cage looking confused in different silly outfits, which is really all I want out of it.

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Oh man.  I feel like I’ve died and gone to AWESOME RADICAL DOG MOVIE HEAVEN!  (*air guitar*) That’s because Yahoo just released a full trailer for Marmaduke, starring that guy from The Fall, Owen Wilson as Marmaduke, George Lopez as Carlos the Cat, Fergie as some bitch, and playing himself, Academy Award nominee William H. Macy (*cocks dog head to the side quizzically*) .  Talking animals?  Check.  Popular songs?  You know it.  Elaborate animal dance numbers in CGI?  Duh. A great Dane surfing??  CHECK AND MATE, MOTHERF*CKER!

WHY IS THIS NOT IN 3D?  I DEMAND TO HAVE MY OPTICAL NERVE F*CKED DOGGYSTYLE BY SURFING DOGS IN SUNGLASSES!   Sorry.  Sorry.  I’ll calm down.  Dog movies just get me really fired up is all.  When I die, I want “Ron Perlman as Chupadogra” on my tombstone.

Five years from now, William H. Macy is going to be really tired of answering, “I’ve always wanted to know… did you do your own stunts in Marmaduke?”

In just one of his sorcery-related projects this year, Nic Cage reteams with Gone in 60 Seconds director Dominic Sena, fresh off the critically-acclaimed thriller Whiteout (6% on RottenTomatoes, one of the few positive reviews called it “A tolerably entertaining film starring the weather”), in Season of the Witch. I’d love to tell you the plot, but unfortunately none of the shots in the trailer last more than half a second. I think it’s about a Marilyn Manson song or something.

Nicolas Cage stars as a 14th century Crusader who returns with his comrade (Ron Perlman) to a homeland devastated by the Black Plague. A beleaguered church, deeming sorcery the culprit of the plague, commands the two knights to transport an accused witch (Claire Foy) to a remote abbey, where monks will perform a ritual in hopes of ending the pestilence. [Wiki]

And that ritual was called “basic sanitation.”  I see Cage and Perlman will be employing the same accent Richard Gere used in First Knight.  “Hey, like, I’m Sir Nic of Santa Monica.  What’s up with your witches and stuff.”